I have an AOL account that I never use. I completely forgot to cancel it three years ago when I realized that AOL sucks, and I get billed like thirty bucks each month because I am too lazy to call AOL and sit through a half hour phone call while the customer service representative tries to get me to rethink my decision to cancel.

Seriously, though. I tried one time thinking that it was going to be a quick ‘I want to cancel’ ‘OK sir, sorry you weren’t happy with us’ kind of thing. Boy, was I wrong. It wasn’t until I researched a little that I realized cancelling an AOL account is notoriously difficult.

AOL customer service is fucking awesome because they don’t view customers who want to cancel as customers who are soon to leave their service. No, my friend. AOL customer service views customers who want to cancel as new customers because they can turn them on to new features of AOL and regain their trust. I’m pretty sure that someone needs to look into starting this type of attitude in adult.

Anyway, the bottom line here is that I still have an AOL account. I don’t have a copy of AOL on my computer because I consider it a waste of disk space, so in order to access my AOL email (where I get SPAM sent), I need to hit up AOL’s webmail suite. I can’t get AOL mail in my email client because for some reason AOL has a problem with IMAP and using an outgoing SMTP server that is not theirs. This means nothing to 80% of my readers, but I felt like using a lot of acronyms.

One more acronym for you: AJAX. I hate it, and it’s all over AOL’s webmail suite. When my browser isn’t crashing as a result of this AJAX overload, it tends to eat up about 80-90% of my system resources.

Enough tech talk, though. Bottom line here is that AOL sucks, and so does AOL’s webmail suite. Or at least that’s what I thought until I encountered this gem while trying to send an attachment:

That’s right.  I was trying to send some pics to someone, mentioned that I attached them, but I forgot to do so.  How many times has this happened to you?  I know it has happened to me tons of times, and I always look pretty dumb when someone emails me back with ‘dude I didn’t get the attachment.’  Then I have to resend, and the whole process can delay the attachment several hours.

I’m going to go head and mark this as the biggest innovation in email in the last ten years.  This is a problem many people have regularly, AOL noticed it, solved it, and accordingly save their users time as a result.  That’s what business is supposed to be about.

By the way, I want whatever underpaid staffer at AOL came up with this gem for team FatDickSimon.  I’ll pay whatever it takes.  This guy is fucking smart.

I’d also like to request this functionality in Thunderbird because I never use AOL mail, and I just forgot to attach an attachment yesterday while using Thunderbird.

Way to go AOL.  I think you suck a little less because of this, and I am going to go ahead and continue getting billed for a service that I never use just to help you crank out innovation like this.

Seriously, though.  I really like that feature.

I finally decided on a schedule for my trip to Las Vegas next week for Internext, and I did a search on Google to find the Bellagio website. I was pretty sure that it was bellagio.com, but I searched just to be sure. Here is a screenshot of my results:

What’s wrong with this picture?

Well, the marketing team over at Bellagio is paying for Adwords clicks on this search when the same site they are buying clicks to is actually ranking #1 for the search. What does this mean? Essentially, they are wasting money.

Why pay for a sponsored link when you are number one for a search? I tend to buy adwords clicks only on search terms that I have a shitty ranking for.

How much money is Bellagio wasting? I used the Adwords keyword tool to come up with the following estimate:

Even though the estimated average costs are hardly ever correct, the results prove that this ineffective Adwords buy could be quite costly over time. I don’t expect the people over at Bellagio to go broke over this considering that they have tons of money to burn, but why waste money when you don’t have to?

I did a little more detective work using the Overture keyword suggestion tool. For those of you who don’t know, this tool gives an estimate of the monthly search volume for a given term. I used values for the US. Here are my results:

You can see for yourself by performing all three of these searches, that the official Bellagio site appears as both the first organic (non-paid) result AND the first sponsored result.

Let’s Do Some Math

These three search terms yield a total of around 24986 searches each month. This number, in reality, is much more, but we’ll use it for fun.

Let’s say that Bellagio’s Adwords campaign for these three search terms has a click through rate of 7%. I think this is realistic considering that the Adwords domain is the official Bellagio site, which will cause users to see it as relevant. In addition, Bellagio is obviously bidding enough to be placed in sponsor position number one, which also accounts for the high click through ratio. Ad copy is mediocre, but does mention an ‘online special,’ which will raise CTR.

At a click through rate of 7%, of the 24986 searches performed each month, about 1749 will yield an sponsored link click to the Bellagio site.

Let’s say Bellagio pays $7.25 for each of these clicks. This could, or could, not be close to what they are paying. I do not have Adwords experience with anything hotel-related, but Bellagio is obviously the top bidder for all of these search terms. At $7.25 per click, Bellagio is spending $12680.39 each month on this ad campaign when they are ranking number one for the same search term. At $12680.39 each month, Bellagio spends $152164.74 each year on the campaign.

Again, this does not break Bellagio’s bank at all, but why spend it when you don’t have to?

Why Does Bellagio Do This?

The only reason that I could think of for what seems to be a waste of money on the part of Bellagio is that they do not want to have another site, such as Expedia or Orbitz, outbid them for this spot. I wonder if they have worked out the costs of being outbid on this campaign and found that it is more cost-effective for them to ensure that the majority of Adwords clicks go to them so they do not have to pay out commissions on hotel rooms bought through Adwords clicks.

With Adwords, it is easy to exclude search terms for which your campaign will not appear, so what I noticed caused me to think a lot about whether this result was a calculated effort on the part of Bellagio to make sure that users book rooms directly through them, or if this was simply overlooked by Bellagio marketing. Or if Bellagio doesn’t give a fuck about $152164.74 each year. The latter is very likely.

The results above are the same for nearly all Las Vegas hotels, with more popular hotels receiving even more searches, and thus causing Adwords spots to cost more.

Is there a method to this madness, or are the results due to simple oversight on the part of Bellagio? I’ll probably never know, but I enjoyed investigating this one. See you in Vegas.

All of the other trendy bloggers are linking to this story, so I figured I should as well. I’m a big time follower.

Mozilla just reported the 2005 earnings for its Firefox browser, and they aren’t too shabby, especially when you consider the source of these earnings. A $52.9 million year is pretty damn good for an open source software project.

Where does this $52.9 million paycheck come from? While Mozilla doesn’t disclose the exact breakdown of revenue sources, most of the revenue comes from the little Google searchbox in the top right of your Firefox window. That’s right, whenever you perform a search using that searchbox and click any of the sponsored Adsense links, Mozilla gets about 80% of the ad revenue that Google receives.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a bad thing at all. I’m all for the advancement of the Firefox browser and the continued success of the Adsense program. I think it is an ingenious source of revenue for a software project going up against the big boys. By simply providing a useful feature to its users, Mozilla gets to cash a big ass paycheck.
I need to start a browser.

Sidenote: about 25% of FatDickSimon readers use Firefox.

For the past several months, I’ve been pouring huge amounts of time and money into a top secret project I am sure will revolutionize the internet.  My crack team of developers and I have been putting in the time at just about every bar in the greater Los Angeles area for meetings/drinking challenges as well as late at night on ICQ for all-night programming sessions.

It looks like development will be complete in early 2007, so I’ve been scrambling around submitting business plans to venture capitalists and contacting marketing consultants to figure out exactly what a successful launch of this new application is going to cost.

The new application I am speaking of will ideally serve as a module to an existing social networking site, and will completely change the way social networking is done.  Naturally, I’ve been in contact with several large, established social networking sites pitching the idea and, ultimately, asking for a large amount of marketing capital.

I had my first conference call with a certain large social networking site today.  I would love to mention exactly what site this was, but unfortunately I am not able to until I figure out whether or not they have decided to allow me to offer my application on their platform.  I can, however, give you the story of an amazing standoff that I had on this conference call.

The call was scheduled for 2pm, at which time a business partner and I made our way to the conference room of a Santa Monica office with notes in hand.  I was packing notes containing exciting regression analysis figures and recent test reports which would combine with my excellent business plan to produce a partnership slam dunk.  Or so I thought.

I was a little nervous when the AT&T Business operator connected us with a room full of product development VPs from this social networking site, but I started in quickly with my pitch.

‘Yes, we have read the information that you have given us thus far, but today we are interested in learning the details of the extension you are proposing,’ a voice from the other end said.

‘The nature of this application is somewhat confidential.  Since development is not fully complete at this time, we have not yet filed the appropriate forms to request our US patent, so I have to request that all members of negotiations sign a non-disclosure agreement before I proceed with further details.  I can have this non-disclosure agreement faxed over to your office right now if you would like to take a five minute break,’ I replied.

‘I don’t know if we agree that a non-disclosure agreement is necessary at this point.  Could you please try to provide further details without being overly specific?’

‘I do not feel comfortable discussing anything beyond the fact that this application can serve as a module to an existing social networking community and the potential revenue streams associated with this application as I have projected.’

‘Well we really cannot proceed with discussions until we at least hear the nature of your idea.’

‘I understand that, but I am not comfortable describing the workings of my idea until I receive a signed non-disclosure agreement.’

‘We are not interested in signing a non-disclosure agreement until we believe that we can benefit from the integration of this application.’

‘Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to discuss any further details until I receive a signed non-disclosure agreement.’

The conversation went on like this for several more minutes while I got more and more annoyed.  The call finally ended when another conference call was scheduled for next week.  There was no commitment made to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

So basically, I wasted most of my day.

On Thursday night, I had a few drinks, almost got in a fight with a dude who was talking with a fake English accent, then I decided it would be a really good idea to get into one of my servers and start making some improvements I decided on earlier in the week. Bad idea. I ended up deleting my MySQL database server completely.

My next mistake was asking my admins to take care of the problem for me. Everyone knows that tech support is for pussies. Anyway, fast forward about thirty-two hours, and my database server is back up-and-running, with all data successfully restored. You can officially relax and masturbate to some free porn.

I’ve done a lot of stupid things as a result of drinking through the years. There was the time that I accidently urinated all over a cocktail waitress that I brought home, the time I decided it would be a good idea to call my dad and tell him that I am gay, the time I puked in someone’s sink, the whole domestic violence debacle back in ‘04 that I am not legally allowed to talk about, the time I managed to get someone to try to kill me within three minutes of meeting me, the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, and so many more. Deleting my database server is probably my most costly mistake, although my dad did disown me for like three weeks until the tape of me banging a hot college slut surfaced on the internet and an advertisement found its way into his email box.

I picked a bad time to delete the backbone of my projects. Why? This is a very exciting time. I have several projects I have been working on for quite some time that are ready to launch this week, and my current sites are kicking some serious ass.

Basically, people are talking. Around town, there is some buzz about what is going on with your boy Fat Dick. I haven’t blogged in a couple weeks, and people are starting to form their own conclusions. Some people are saying that I locked myself in a North Hollywood bathroom where I’ve been doing H-Bomb for the last week. Others are saying that I have finally moved to Europe as I’ve been threatening to do for quite some time, but that I am having difficulty with the different voltage bullshit they have going on over there.

Your boy Fat Dick is alive and well and working hard. I’ve been working 12-15 hour days with short breaks to drink heavily. I’m not going to give any major details about my upcoming projects, but I will say that your boy may be shifting his focus into more mainstream projects and looking at new ways to deliever the excellent product that I push.

In any event, sorry for being a drunk ass and deleting my database server. I know that everyone needs his daily dose of the Fat Dick.

Yesterday I woke up on the floor of my living room.  I realized that my head was in a pool of my own vomit.  After getting up, I also realized that I had wet myself.  I didn’t remember anything from the night before, but typically when I pass out on the floor, wet myself, or puke on myself, I have had a good night, so I was pretty confident that some cool stuff had happened.

Basically, the moral of the story is that I am really good at drinking heavily, and drinking heavily makes you really cool.  I’m always trying to give back to the community, so I decided help everyone by sharing some advice about drinking heavily with you.  You’re welcome.

Laying a Foundation

When a construction company starts building a skyscraper, do they just show up at the site and start building at ground level?  Of course not, silly!  Sometimes it’s years before they make it to ground level.  There is tons of work that has to be done below ground.  In the industry, it’s called laying a foundation.  Without a solid foundation, the building is going to suck, and someone’s getting sued.

Drinking heavily is exactly like building a skyscraper.  Actually, a lot of construction workers drink heavily before showing up to build a skyscraper.  When you know you are going to be drinking heavily, you need to do some planning.

First, you can’t eat dinner.  Why?  Well, if you have a big dinner, it’s going to take more alcohol to get drunk.  No one wants that.  You should always be trying to get drunk as soon as possible.  This is why we need to build a solid foundation in your stomach to support a night of heavy drinking.  I recommend having a light lunch late in the afternoon.  Preferably something you won’t mind puking up later (see below).  Meat… probably not a good idea.  Salad or pasta are great going in and coming out!

After your light lunch, you are ready to continue laying your foundation.  The foundation for getting really wasted is made out of several beers before you head out to your destination.  Here’s an example: last night I knew I would be heading out to a bar around 12am.  Thus, I had a light lunch around 2pm and started drinking beer at around 9pm.  I drank steadily until around 12am, and upon leaving my place I was about eight beers deep and starting to feel a little tipsy.  That’s exactly what you should be going for.  You want to drink steadily (no need to push yourself early in the night) for a couple hours and fill your system with alcohol so you can get completely hammered once you are at your destination.  If you are not relatively wasted when you head out you are way behind the game.

Karaoke

When some guys really want to get laid at a bar, they may resort to pick up lines or some bullshit about how they’re really rich.  This never works.  When I want to get laid, I do karaoke.  You need to pick an old school hit that the party people are going to like.  Some of my favorites include anything by the Cranberries or ‘Push It’ by Salt N’ Pepper.

I did karaoke a couple nights ago and I didn’t sing a single lyric from the song.  Instead, I just heckled the audience and did some sweet dance moves.  The crowd loved it and I had like fifteen fat bitches hitting on me as soon as I walked off the stage.

Fat Bitches

If you are into fat chicks and you live in LA, I recommend going to Zanzibar, where about 90% of the chicks are over two hundred pounds.  If you aren’t into fat chicks, you need to learn how to use fat chicks as stepping stones for getting with the hotties.

I don’t know why, but fat chicks love me.  I used to be all weirded out by this, but now I have realized that fat chicks always give really good dome and sometimes some really funny stuff, like not being able to fit through a hallway or a doorway or consuming really large amounts of food, happens when I am getting hit on by a fatty.  The trick is, you have to steadily work from the fat chicks to the hot chicks.  It it’s a fact that all fat chicks have at least one super hot friend.  You just need to put in some work at the bar talking to the fat chick until she introduces you to the hottie and you’re in.

Develop a Gauge

You need to be able to know how drunk you are at all times and compare it to how drunk you want to be.  You should be working towards being too drunk to know how drunk you are, though, so developing a guage for how drunk you are (especially late in the evening) is going to be a little tricky.

My gauge is whether or not I am drunk enough to tip the bathroom attendant.  Every night, I’ll roll in a bar, pee, and be pretty upset that the bathroom attendant is in the bathroom because it’s really awkward and I prefer getting my own soap and towels.  However, as the night progresses, I feel more and more sorry for the bathroom attendant (with the help of alcohol), and when I am really wasted I have even been known to throw him a dollar.  By ‘throw him a dollar,’ I do literally mean that I crumple it up and throw it in his face.

Your gauge can be something like whether or not a particular member of your group looks hot.  I used to use that a while back.  I would go out in a group containing a pretty nasty chick, and I knew that I was wasted when I started seriously considering boning her.

There Is Always Room For More

A few nights ago, I had about ten drinks at home, passed out, woke up, went out to a bar, had twelve drinks, puked, had two more drinks, went home with a hottie, passed out again, woke up, drank more, cut up some lines, drank more, had anal sex, drank more, and then rounded off the evening with an all-night blow binge.  I got home around 7am.

The moral of the story is that there is always room for more booze, sex, drugs, or all of the above.  Don’t feel bad about using the ‘puke and rally’ method, and don’t call it a night after passing out for a couple hours.  When you wake up after passing out, God is telling you that he wants you to drink more.  So do it!

Develop a Plan

You shouldn’t just be going into a bar and ordering some random hodgepodge of drinks.  Personally, I like to plan out my progression of drinks early in the night.  Usually it is best to start out with some Red Bull / Vodkas, get into some Tequila-containing drink, move onto mixed shots (ie Jager Bombs, lemon drops, redhead sluts, etc), and finally finish strong with shots of hard alcohol.  On some nights, I just say fuck the bullshit and pound between four and six Jager Bombs within ten minutes of arriving at the bar.  This will get you fucked up, but Jager Bombs are always really expensive and it’s kind of weird to drop like two hundred bucks on your tab immediately upon arriving at the bar.  I would still recommend it, though.

It’s Not Over Until It’s Over

On my 21st birthday, I had my last drink (Mickey’s) at 10am.  I routinely finish drinking around five or six.  Don’t let last call slow you down.  The recurring theme with all of these pieces of advice is that planning is key.  Plan ahead and buy enough booze to hold you and the hot bitch you brought home with you until at least noon the next day (longer if any stimulants are involved).

Some families like to stock up on bottled water in case there is an earthquake or some natural disaster.  I like to stock up on booze in case it’s after last call and I need to be drinking.  A round of heavy drinking can begin at any time, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Back in the day, after waking up from being passed out in a random location, I would be all weirded out about not knowing what happened the night before.  Now, I don’t really care, and I don’t get hung over.  The fact of the matter is that I actually feel best in the morning after a long night of heavy drinking.

During the week, I have a hard time waking up before noon when I don’t drink.  I stay up all night working and I kind of just want to sleep all day.  When I drink heavily I don’t sleep well, so I’m always up at like eight or earlier and I feel great!  Yes, sometimes I am covered in my own urine, but that is a small price to pay for feeling great.

The bottom line is that you can do anything that you set your mind to.  If you put in your time at local bars and drink as much as possible, you will be as good at drinking as me.  I’m really good, though, so it’s going to take a while.

Obviously, I got down with some crazy shit for the Fourth of July, but I’m sure that you’re wondering why you didn’t hear about it. The reason, my friend, is that I don’t remember most of what happened during my Fourth of July celebration. Actually, I remember everything that happened on the Fourth of July; I spent most of the day walking around with my mouth open while mumbling incoherent jibberish. I was so fucking worn out after my Third of July night that I couldn’t even bring myself to hit it hard again on the Fourth.

I started my Third of July at a bar for happy hour, where I downed between twenty and twenty-five drinks. I was completely blacked out, but still made it back to my place. I actually regained consciousness while I was cutting up lines on my desk with a friend, and I was pretty disoriented at first, but I quickly got my head back in the game and finished the night strong.

Like I said, I was completely blacked out, and before I ended up at my place, I was at my friend’s place, where I apparently passed out on the floor for several hours. Oh yeah, and I puked in my friend’s roommate’s sink.

Yes, I puked in a sink. This is never a good idea, especially when you don’t know the person whose sink you are puking in. It turns out that my puking episode caused some minor drain blockage, and a liquid drain cleaner product had to be purchased. I only had a Subway sandwich prior to my puking episode, but I guess they don’t make drains like they used to.

Anyway, this chick’s roommate was not so happy about my puking episode, and understandably so. I felt really bad about it, so I had to scramble to try to make things right because I will probably be back over at her apartment hooking up in the near future. What did I come up with? A homemade card that could melt anyone’s heart.

In case you drink as heavily as I do, and you find yourself puking in someone’s sink, here is how I made things right after my puking episode.

Step 1: A Bomb-Ass Excuse

Ok, so I didn’t come up with a bomb-ass excuse, but I should have. If I had come up with a bomb-ass excuse, the subsequent two steps would not have been necessary. After roughly twenty-five drinks, it’s hard to come up with a bomb-ass excuse.

Nonetheless, I came up with a pretty sweet excuse. While I was running around the bathroom trying to clean up (I was told that I was in the bathroom for roughly an hour), I was confronted about exactly what was going on. I yelled through the bathroom door that someone else had puked in the sink and I was just cleaning up. In a setting where a lot of drunk people are around, this excuse can be successful; however, there were only two other people in the apartment at the time — one was completely sober, and the other was asking me if I had puked in the sink. Thus, my excuse must have just sounded like drunk jibberish, and also must have served as further evidence that I had, in fact, puked in the sink.

Pick a better excuse than that. If you can’t, keep reading.

Step 2: Go To An Arts And Crafts Store

This is the fun part. It’s almost like you are getting rewarded for puking in someone else’s sink, but not really. You are going to have to get a lot of shit because you are going to be making a really sweet card (see below). I pretty much went crazy and bought about $50 worth of arts and crafts supplies because I got increasingly excited about doing an arts and crafts project as I was shopping. I hadn’t done an arts and crafts project since like second grade, so I figured that I would make up for lost time.

Here’s what I bought:

1. Construction Paper - Multicolored is best. I found a pretty sweet multicolored package of construction paper that contained pink, blue, yellow and green, so I was pretty much set on the paper front.
2. Novelty Scissors - You know, those scissors that cut in odd angles. It’s best to buy as many as possible. I opted for the 20 pack because I am a baller and, like I said, I was really excited about this project.
3. Crayons - I went for the 60 pack. Crayons are essential in any arts and crafts project.
4. Markers - I wanted to place more emphasis on crayon illustrations than marker illustrations, so I only went with a twelve pack of markers. Actually, I never used them, but I have a feeling they are going to come in handy one day after I puke in someone’s bathtub.
5. Glue Sticks - I bought like five glue sticks. Why? Well, aside from being one of the greatest inventions of our time, glue sticks are essential for this arts and crafts project.

Buy all of that shit, and prepare yourself to make a really sweet card that is your ticket out of the mess that you made in someone’s sink.

Step 3: Make a Sweet Card

For your convenience, here is a picture of the card that I made:

You’ll notice that I used the novelty scissors extensively in my design. I told you they were important. I also drew the cover using exclusively crayons. The cover illustration is complete with a picture of me puking into the sink. I did this to remind the recipient of the card of exactly what happened to her sink.

The most important part about your card is that it has to look like a 10 year old made it. Why? Because that’s the way arts and crafts projects are supposed to be.

I went pretty wild with my card. All in all, between drafts and the final product, I spent between eight and ten hours on it. I suggest you do the same. You should follow my outline, because my card was pretty much a big hit.

So what did I learn from this situation? Well, most importantly, I learned that arts and crafts projects are really fun. I also learned that a homemade card can get you out of just about any trouble you find yourself in. I probably should have also learned that I shouldn’t drink so much, but drinking is so fucking fun and cool stuff always happens when I drink, so I am going to continue drinking heavily. Fuck, I’m drunk right now.

So you’ve had a girlfriend for a while now and you want to do her up the butt? Sounds like a good idea to me. The only thing that can bring a loving couple closer than anal sex is a threeway involving a large black man. Problem is, most dudes are complete pussies when it comes to anal sex, and, while they constantly think about plowing their significant others in the poop shoot, they rarely ever act on these thoughts. When they do manage to act, they always act in the wrong way and usually end up settling for the pussy, which, while moist and warm, ain’t no asshole.

If you want to fuck your girlfriend in the ass but don’t know how, Fat Dick has your back with an elaborate tutorial on this exact subject. What if you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, fucking a random bitch up the ass is about as easy as finding a transsexual who will have sex with you on Santa Monica Blvd on the late night tip. I’m actually fucking some random bitch up the ass right now as I write this. I have my laptop posted up on her back and she can’t get enough. Fucking your girlfriend up the ass is a complete other ballgame. Mind you, this is the bitch that tries to get you to take her ‘out on the town’ every other night. This is the bitch who constantly hates on you for wearing your favorite Hawaiian shirt. She isn’t about to try to gain your approval by letting you fuck her up the ass.

Disclaimer: Fat Dick Simon does not endorse having a significant other now, or at any time during your life, but if you have one already and want to fuck her up the ass, this tutorial is for you.

Ok, so I took care of the introduction, I took care of the disclaimer, and now I am about to drop some heavy duty knowledge on you. I am about to hold your hand and lead you through, step by step, on how to fuck your girlfriend up the ass. You’re welcome.

Step One: Realize that all ladies secretly love anal sex

That’s right. I don’t care what anyone says. All ladies love anal. Whether or not you believe me, you are going to have to make yourself believe that your girlfriend wants anal sex whether or not she comes out and explicitly says it. The problem with bitches is that they never say what they are actually thinking. You need to convince yourself that your girlfriend is secretly craving anal sex more than you could ever imagine, and by giving her anal sex you are doing her the biggest favor ever.

This scenario is like those crazy Christian people who do everything they can to convert you. When you pass on the street you’re like ‘Back the fuck off I did like a hundred unholy things last night,’ but in their heads they think that you secretly want to be ’saved’ and they will do anything to save you. Well, your girlfriend is begging to be ’saved.’ What’s the only thing that can save her? Your penis in her ass.

This scenario is also similar to that famous question that hippies always ask: ‘How can other people love you when you don’t love yourself?’ Aside from being complete bull shit, this question is highly applicable to the situation at hand. Unless you truly believe that all ladies love anal sex, you will never be able to convince your girlfriend to do it.

Step Two: Diagnose the situation

I wasn’t fucking around with step one. You need to be serious about this, but once you have decided that you are going to stop being a pussy and do your girlfriend in the butt, you need to test the waters. You need throw out some comment about anal sex to see how she reacts. This step is best completed in private so you can avoid the confusion about whether or not her response was partially due to her nervousness about what her friends would think. Say something like ‘Hey, I heard [insert mutual friend’s name] had anal sex.’ If you go with this comment, it is best to use a friend that you know much better than your girlfriend. One of your better friends whom your girlfriend has only met once or twice is preferable. That way, there is little to no possibility that your girlfriend will ever approach this person about their anal sex session. Also, this doesn’t actually have to be true. Great anal sex has its foundation in many lies.

Typically, after throwing out a comment like the one above, you will get one of four responses:

Response 1: ‘Ew! Exit not entrance!’

This is the most annoying and cliche response. Ideally, you should dump your girlfriend on the spot based purely on the fact that she threw out this line, but if you work at it, you will eventually be able to do her up the butt. Her crass response is meant to intimidate you and discourage you from further attempts to do her up the butt. You know better, though. This slut wants it.

Response 2: ‘Oh. Have you ever thought about doing that?’

This response is a very good sign. It means your girlfriend has already considered the possibility of anal sex. Her question is cleverly formulated, and she wants to see your reaction. You should play it cool and say something like ‘Oh, I guess so. I mean, rappers always talk about it in their songs.’ If you say that, you are on the right track. Your response is funny, non-threatening, AND it leaves an element of mystique. She’ll be thinking ‘Wow, I wonder if he really has thought about it or if he is just joking,’ and her

Response 3: ‘Oh my God! I was with a guy a while ago who insisted on that and it hurt!’

This is by far the worst response you can get. Your girlfriend is going to be a tough nut to crack, but, yes, she does still want anal sex, and she is craving for a guy who can give it to her the right way. You, my friend, are that guy.

Response 4: ‘I love anal!’

If you need any coaching on how to handle this response, you are a fuckface and I hope we never meet in person.

If you did not receive response 4, you are going to need to follow the next steps:

Step Three: Bring it up again

You need to get your girlfriend kind of curious about anal sex. If you repeatedly bring it up with offhand remarks, you will start the wheels turning in her head. Every once in a while, just throw out some comment about anal. Eventually she will be bringing it up, too, and once she starts bringing it up, you are almost good to go.

Step Four: Bring it up seriously

I like to also call this step ‘really testing the waters.’ When you and your girlfriend are getting hot and heavy (probably after you ditch all of your homies to take her out to dinner, you big pussy), you say ‘Let’s do anal.’ This approach is best done when she is somewhat drunk. You’re either going to get the green light or a gigantic red light, but don’t worry, you can handle either one. If she gives you a look that says ‘Fuck no!’ just play it off like you were joking. Start chuckling and be like ‘Oh, you think I’m serious? Come on, let’s have some vaginal intercourse!’ But while you are fucking her in the vagina, you need to be planning your next move. What’s your next move? Keep reading, fuckface.

Step Five: Come up with a humorous wager involving anal sex

No joke, this is how I got my first taste of the butthole. By the time you are on step 5, you and your girlfriend will be regularly bringing up anal action. You fuckers will probably have some inside jokes going on that no one else laughs at. But the bottom line is, you two are comfortable about talking about anal pleasures and she is becoming curious as hell as to exactly what it would feel like to have her ass plowed. She wants it, but you knew that, right (see step 1 above)?

So get into some playful argument over something that you know you are right about. Then do the whole ‘I’ll bet you’ move, but this time, instead of wagering a back rub, tell your girlfriend to put her money where her mouth is by putting her asshole on the line. This serves as more playful ass banter, and you would be surprised at the response you get back from your scheme to win your girlfriend’s asshole. She’ll give you a look back like ‘Ohh after all of this talk about anal pleasures I wouldn’t mind losing this bet anyway.’ You are on the right track, brother.

Step Six: Win the bet, but stop short of the butt

This is where the plan takes some discipline, but you have to trust me on this one. After you win your bet, you have to make sure that her butt is ready to go (ie. she is bent over and ready to receive your penis). Then you have to start in like you are about to put it in, but then stop short to continue the escapade that you have been joking about anal sex all along. This choice move further increases her curiosity, and don’t worry, you are going to capitalize on that curiosity later! Plus, butt sex requires some preparation.

Step Seven: Try out drunken anal sex

You have gone through the necessary preparation work. Your girlfriend wants it in her ass more than ever, and you are going to give it to her… right after you get her drunk. Go out to a party or a bar with all of your friends who hate your girlfriend (they all do regardless of what they say), get her drunk as hell, take her back to your place and start in on some hot vaginal sex. Vaginal sex? Yes, get started in the vagina.

Check to make sure she is still very drunk while you are pounding her vagina. If she isn’t then you fucked up. Go get some shots of tequila and force them down her throat. If she is drunk then prepare yourself for some anal action. Bitches get horny as hell when they are drunk, and nothing satisfies a bitch’s horny cravings like a big dick in her ass. Mumble something incoherent about anal and then try to put it in. You’ll probably fuck up because anal sex requires a lot of effort (see below), but what you are going for is an introduction to your girlfriend’s asshole. Don’t worry, you aren’t supposed to have a full anal sex run, you are going to do that in due time. The fact that your girlfriend is drunk basically gives you a free pass to do anything you want to her asshole. She won’t remember in the morning, and, if she does, just say something like ‘Oh shit, really? I don’t even remember that!’

Step Eight: Trip to the sex store

I hope you have enjoyed your two brief tastes of anal action because you are about to have the whole butt, brother. First, you need to go to a sex store and pick up a buttplug and plenty of lube. Seriously, you cannot skip this step. Do it.

Step Nine: Preheat the oven

This step marks the beginning of an actual anal sex session, and should occur roughly a week after the ‘fake’ anal sex session that occurred while your girlfriend was drunk in order to allow her curiosity to mount even more.

During the day leading up to this event you should say something in order to hint that you want to try anal sex for real. If your girlfriend’s response has changed (for the better) since the first time you mentioned anal sex (step two, dickfor), then she is all systems go.

Take out the buttplug and lube it up. Chicks love buttplugs, and they serve as an excellent way to ‘preheat the oven.’ Yes, fuckface, you have to warm up her asshole before you put your dick in it. If she refuses the buttplug, don’t freak out. You are still good to go, you may just have to use some lubed fingers to preheat. Most importantly, the buttplug serves as a humorous and non-threatening transition into the world of anal sex.

Step Ten: Commit to your penis entering her ass

The hardest part of anal sex isn’t convincing the bitch to do it… it’s getting your penis in the bitch’s asshole. Have you ever looked at a chick’s asshole upclose? It’s really fucking small! Your penis is big. A logical thinker would conclude that it would be impossible to put a penis in an asshole. A logical thinker would be wrong.

If you need further proof of this point, just watch Lex Steele shove his twelve inch black penis in a small Asian chick’s asshole.  That shit fits, trust me.

Cover your penis with lube. This is very very important. Also, put plenty of lube on, and in, your girlfriend’s asshole. Then, tell your girlfriend to relax. Then tell her to relax again.

This is where many dudes puss out and come up short. You have to commit that your penis is going up your girlfriend’s butt before the night is done. You are going to press it against your girlfriend’s ass and it is going to seem like it is not going to fit. Wait, strike that, you are not going to be able to find your girlfriend’s asshole, then you are going to find it and it is going to seem like your penis is not going to fit. Trust me, it will.

So decide that your penis is going to go in, and then make it happen. Once the first inch or so makes it in, the rest will slide in easily. The trick is that you really have to shove that first inch in. If you are a pussy and you don’t force it in, your girlfriend will never forgive you, and you will never get to experience that sweet ass of hers.

Step Eleven: Enjoy It

Once you’re in, you’re in, and your penis isn’t coming out of your girlfriend’s butt until you jizz inside. You shouldn’t be wearing a condom, which makes finishing inside that much more exciting. If your penis comes out while you are going at it, don’t worry about it! Your girlfriend’s asshole will have gotten used to having your penis inside of it, and that shit will slide right back in.

Experiment with different positions! I am a big fan of face-to-face, but a lot of purists stick to doggystyle. For my money, there’s nothing better than hearing the moans of passion and watching the expression on some chick’s face as you violate her most personal of areas.

After you do your girlfriend up the butt once, you can pretty much do her up the butt whenever you want. If she ever refuses, remember that can always threaten to break up with her if she does not give up her asshole again.

What’s great about doing your girlfriend in the butt, aside from the amazing pleasures that you will both experience, is that, after you break up, when you see her in social situations, you can give her the look like ‘Yeah, that’s right, I fucked you in the ass and you can never take that away from me.’

So there it is. How to do your girlfriend in the butt in eleven steps. The most important part of this whole process is committing yourself to it. If you don’t whole-heartedly believe that you can do your girlfriend up the butt, then you won’t. It’s as simple as that.

Feel free to post any questions and/or concerns as comments if you run into problems while trying to do your girlfriend up the butt.

I am kind of getting sick of SEO fever among people who do not understand SEO. I find that people who truly understand SEO are not talking about it every day, and people who have no idea what effective SEO consists of are the ones bringing it up all the time.

Some facts about SEO (definitely only scratching the surface):

SEO is Fucking Expensive

Effective SEO, especially for adult sites, consists of building many sites across many different, unrelated IP addresses, and using complex linking methods to send spiders and robots through a preselected route encompassing all related sites. Typically, SEO specialty firms charge around three hundred dollars per hour for SEO consultation. If you are paying a lot less, then your SEO firm probably does not know what it is doing. Ideally, you can learn SEO yourself and pay nothing besides the maintenance costs of your network of sites, but even using this method, large amounts of time need to be devoted to tracking and developing effective keywords for your sites. How much is your time worth?

SEO is Based Around Creating Large Amounts of Unique Content

You are not going to be number one in the search engines if your site has no content. It is as simple as that. When developing a site you are going to SEO the hell out of, your first task should be creating a large amount of content based around your keywords. Without content, search engines will see right through your site. Having a large amount of images with keyword-heavy alt tags does not do shit when compared to having a several hundred word article about your keywords. When you have a content-heavy site about a specific subject, you are already lined up to do very well with search engines.

SEO is NOT Invisible Text and Simple, Keyword-Dense Paragraphs

Search engines see through both half-ass methods to optimize a website. I know it is an amazing feat, but some groundbreaking programmer has found out a way to compare your site’s background color to your site’s text color. Robots see right through that invisible text on your website and you are usually penalized for it. It never works to your advantage, so don’t even bother.

Search engines also see right through paragraphs containing a large percentage of your keywords. They view this as keyword spamming and will usually penalize you for it. Each search engine has a different ratio of keywords to content that it considers keyword spam, but be asssured that a paragraph containing 90% keywords in a random fashion will be ignored. Don’t waste your time. Make sure your content is useful and readable.

Firms That Do Not Know About SEO Should Not Offer It

I am tired of encountering design and development firms who think they are able to tack on SEO to their list of services after they buy a single SEO program and have not done their research. SEO is a fairly complex science, and simple things like using effective alt tags, writing content geared towards your keywords, and choosing the right keywords will bring up your site’s ranking, but to really experience a solid ranking increase, you need to talk to an SEO expert who knows what he is talking about.

Podcast fever? I’m over it. I’ve been over it since I found out what a podcast actually was. If you get excited when you hear the word ‘Podcast,’ remind me to not show the trick I do with my penis where I swing it from side to side to make a slapping sound against my legs. You would explode with excitement if you saw that. Trust me.

I got a call the other day at about 7am from a client. This happens every once in a while and always pisses me off. At first I think ‘Wow, shit! Thank you [client] for waking me up so I can enjoy the expensive drugs and booze I consumed last night for another minute and a half!’ But then the hot ass bitch sleeping next to me gets mad and my happiness turns to anger and my anger turns into sleepiness.

I rejected the call and hit my voicemail when I woke up around 4pm. It was a non-porn client which made me extra excited about listening to the message. ‘Hey, Simon! I was thinking earlier and I want to do Podcasts on our site!’ Wow! You are a fucking genius. You have really been keeping up with the latest technology trends and you about to profit from all of that work! That’s what I was thinking, but then I remembered that podcasts suck and that God does not like Podcasters. I know it may not be fair, but that’s just what God told me when I talked to him last night.

So I called the client back and explained to him why Podcasts are not cool.

A Podcast is just an RSS (Really Simple Syndication) file with a link to a media file (usually .mp3). It is NOT streaming media despite popular belief, and it is NOT anything amazing. RSS 0.90 has been around since 1999. The technique of linking to media files through RSS feeds, called enclosure syndication, has been being used widely since 2001.

RSS is an XML format used for syndicating websites and web content. XML has been around for a really fucking long time. Don’t even get me started about why AJAX isn’t cool.

Ok, so we have established that a Podcast is nothing new. You have to encode your media as an mp3, and the mp3 format has been around for a long time. Then you have to link to your mp3 using an RSS feed, and the RSS format has been around for a long time as well. So there must be something else that makes Podcasts cool, right?

Wrong. Like I said, Podcasts are not streaming, so the end user must download the entire file in order to listen to it. That’s not really that cool. If you have an mp3 and you have a place to post the mp3, why not just link directly to the mp3 so the user doesn’t have to fuck with opening with the RSS feed and saving the link?

Podcasts can be useful for a series of media files that are regularly posted because once a user saves the link to the RSS feed in iTunes, he doesn’t have to fuck with visiting the website to see if a new file was posted. But is that really all that cool? Not really. Plus, about 99% of Podcasts are incorrectly used.

Most Podcasts simply include links to one file that will not be updated thus making them completely useless. This happens because a lot of web authors want to be trendy so badily that they will use any new technology even if its use in context is completely unnecessary. Don’t believe me? Look at how a majority of developers use AJAX.

So we have established that Podcasts aren’t cool. Thus, no need to get excited when you hear about them. But you can check out that penis trick i mentioned earlier if you are interested.