Above: strap-on wrestling match from Ultimate Surrender. Filmed in San Francisco.

Sheesh, it’s been so long since I posted last. Lots of stuff going on, and I’ve been way too busy feverously masturbating to the boxes of porn that my boys over at Hush Money have been sending over to type out a post.

I’m up in San Frandisco this week for the Cybernet Expo. This show is quiet, but I needed an excuse to go on a three-day drinking binge during the week, so I hopped on the plane and bought a badge.

Lots of new developments since I posted last. I bought out two large affiliate programs, made a bunch of content deals, and had a threeway with a married couple last weekend. Your boy Fat Dick is taking his game to the next level this year.

I don’t have much to do during Cybernet, so if there is anyone in the San Francisco area who would like to meet up and talk business, please hit me up via AIM or e-mail. I’m on the Crackberry non-stop, and if I can’t schedule enough meetings then I’m just going to drink all day, and I really need to pace myself.

After I return home from SF, I’m going to lock myself in the office for the next three weeks to roll out about ten new groundbreaking sites before I head off to XBiz Vegas and then Internext in Florida. I couldn’t be more excited for the XBiz Forum this year as it was probably my favorite show last year.

I can’t wait to show everyone all the stuff I’ve been working on. Stay tuned and make sure to say what’s up in SF.

Above: Jana from ButtBunnies

So I’m back and completely (I think) recovered from the week of debauchery that was the Adult Entertainment Expo and Internext in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. I saw a lot of crazy shit, but truth be told, Internext was not the three-day substance fest that I expected it to be. I could have gone even harder, but for a few reasons, I had no desire to. Your boy Fat Dick dipped into his share of party favors, but also enjoyed doing a lot of business and even being somewhat coherent and put-together at times.

I had an incredible experience at Internext. AEE was relatively uneventful for me, but AVN really did an amazing job planning and executing Internext. I expected to have a great time, but what I experienced exceeded all of my expectations for the show. I found a great balance between the partying side of the show and the business side of the show, and ended up having a very productive visit to Vegas. Talk about a surprise.

In my opinion, having Internext at the Palms was a great idea. My favorite part about the show was the fantasy suite ‘block party’ that was going on in the evenings. All of the best fantasy suites were booked by companies who know what they’re doing when it comes to throwing a party, and being able to explore all of the suites that I will never book myself ($40,000 per night for Hef’s Sky Villa?) was a really fun experience. What made things even better was the vibe among other show-goers. Meeting and chatting with people was extremely easy in the very social atmosphere that was going on all over the hotel.

There were times when I did a little too much drinking for my own good. Namely, on Thursday night, I went out on the town with some friends. We had a delicious dinner and then rolled out to Tao and Jet. I was totally wrecked by 8am, and I ended up passing out in the bed of a friend. When I woke up in the morning, I noticed that I had wet the bed (once again). Unlike last time when I blamed the urine puddle on a mishap involving a Corona, this time, I simply claimed that the chick had wet the bed and that I was really grossed out. She bought it and apologized rapidly, but as I write this I am realizing that she will soon know the truth. Oh well.

I was pretty wasted on the plane (first class) from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, and I continued drinking heavily on my first night in Vegas. I ended up getting so wasted that I woke up at about 7am on the floor of the a hotel room bathroom. The shower was running, and there were four lines neatly placed in front of my head on the marble tile bathroom floor. I was so disoriented that I had to go downstairs to the casino in order to figure out what hotel I was in. I was not in my own hotel, but managed to navigate back to my own room by 9am.

Being in Vegas for a week really put a strain on my body. I was out until at least sunrise every night of the week, would take a nap, then wake up after a couple hours so I could begin drinking again. This schedule can be fun for a day or two, but after seven days, it starts to wear even the most seasoned partier out.

Anyway, I am very happy to be back in LA, and I am ready to get going on many of the projects that I was able to talk about in Vegas. The next big show is XBiz Hollywood in February, then I am off to Phoenix in March. Phoenix has become one of the premier shows each year, and I am very excited about attending for the first time this year.

Some people complain that no business gets done at shows anymore. I have never seen problems in this area, and I would imagine that the people who are complaining do not put much planning or preparation into the shows that they attend. In order to get any benefit from attending a show, it is a good idea to come up with a clear list of realistic goals. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish and how you plan on accomplishing it, introduce yourself to new people, and follow up on any contacts that you make during the show. It’s hard to make shows worthwhile when you hang out with the same group the entire time and make no attempt to meet new people.

That is all. See everyone in Hollywood for XBiz!

It’s January 5th, which means that I have finally recovered from my New Year’s Eve extravaganza.  Here is the blow by blow account (pun intended):

8PM: Dinner

I hadn’t done a nice dinner on New Year’s Eve before, and I guess it is the thing to do, so I met up with friends and business associates at a very classy upscale restaurant in Hollywood for an eight course dinner.  About ten minutes after being seated, the first of many group bathroom trips occurred, and when I got back, someone came up with the excellent idea to mix ecstasy into our drinks and the party began.  Tablets were distributed, and I crushed up two, which I stirred into my water.  After a few martinis, and more bathroom trips, I realized that I was getting pretty fucked up.  I mixed another tab into my water around course five.

11:15PM: Party Time

After dinner, I hopped into a limo with about half of the group and we made our way up into the Hollywood hills for a hot house party.  We showed up about half an hour before midnight, and the place was totally packed.  After a brief scuffle with security at the door, we were pulled in by the host, who looked really stressed.

The e was really starting to kick in at this point, and the DJ was playing my jams, so naturally I was breaking it down on the dancefloor.

I was doing shots off the ice luge like it was my job.  Bitches were loving it, but I had to take a quick detour to puke after a pretty nasty Patron shot.  I had a quick Trainspotting flashback after I puked when I realized that at least one ecstasy tab probably came up with my dinner.  I’m pretty sure that I located it in the toilet, and I was actually considering fishing it out, but then I realized that my friend had brought a ziplock storage bag filled with pills to the party.  I quickly located her, and we returned to the bathroom, where we crushed up a few more hits, mixed it with devil’s dandruff, and did some rockstar rails off the sink.

Leaving the bathroom, the vast array of substances I had consumed thusfar really started to hit me.  The countdown was starting in a few minutes, so I made my way back outside, where everyone was overlooking the Los Angeles lights and getting ready.  After the countdown, I sipped on some Cristal, hit a few bumps, and made my way back to the dancefloor.

2:20AM: Public Sex Begins

By 2AM, I had been going hard for about six hours, and there was no end in sight.  Some of the other partygoers did not have the same stamina.  Many had resorted to drunken makeouts in various areas of the house, and some had even resorted to sloppy, drunken sex.  Things were pretty hazy at this point, but I am pretty sure that I saw some douchebag guy giving his date oral favors in on a couch downstairs, and I am also pretty sure that I stumbled onto doggystyle sex in the master bedroom around 2:45AM.  I started thinking that it might be time to leave and hit the next party.

4:30AM: Next Location

After some more ice luge shots, we made our way to an afterparty going on a few miles away.  It was hosted by a porn producer, and the ratio was insane.  There were pornstars all over the place, and when I walked in at around 4:30AM, I noticed that no one else seemed to care that the sun was about to come up.  Everyone was doing lines off the kitchen island and pounding vodka like it was midnight.  Definitely an intense crowd.

One of the rooms at the house contained a stripper pole, and I saw more tits, ass, and lesbian action in that room than I saw all last week.  And I look at porn all day.  I was surrounded by a collection of the nastiest chicks in porn, and none of them seemed to mind getting naked as long as the blow kept getting poured out.

9:00AM: Maybe it is Time to Leave

After the sun came up, I started to feel a little worn out, and I was thinking about heading home.  Fortunately, I got some more e handed to me, which I knew would keep me going for a few more hours.  The party was still going strong, and it was one of the most bizarre situations I have ever found myself in.  Granted, I have been know to do all-nighters, but I always feel horrible once the sun shows up.  At this party, no one seemed to care at all, and the party was actually getting more packed as it got lighter.

11:00AM: Jacuzzi Action

The chicks at this party were totally fucked up, and I suddenly found myself in a jazuzzi with about fifteen other people.  Most were unclothed.  I was starting to get hungry and realized that it was almost lunch time.

1:30PM: New Year’s Day Brunch

How my body was able to continue after noon (marking more than sixteen hours of partying) is beyond me.  For some reason, everything seemed normal.  We decided to get brunch at a nice hotel in Hollywood.  Brunch was delicious, but I concentrated mostly on the mimosas.  One can never have too much champagne on New Year’s Eve.

3:45PM: Am I Really at a Bar

After brunch, someone came up with the bright idea to finish our supply of blow and then hit up a bar.  I puked after a shot, returned to our table, and finally hit a wall.  I was totally cracked out and about ready to go home.

5:15PM: Return Home

I’m sure that the cab driver knew what was up as he drove me home.  I was in a complete daze, cracked out, and barely able to communicate how to reach my house.  The cab ride seemed to take forever.  I tipped my Persian cab driver fatty and got inside, smoked a joint (to offset the stimulants), and passed out around 5:30PM.

What a night.  I haven’t gone that hard since the shows over the Summer, and I have the deadly AEE/Internext combination in Vegas coming up next week.  More on that in a bit.

Happy New Year!

Another year has flown by, so it is time to do some serious partying to ring in 2008. The party lineup in Los Angeles is huge for tonight, but your boy Fat Dick prefers smaller, more intimate New Year’s Eve gatherings. I’m not a big fan of the crowds and amateurs that overwhelm most venues on New Year’s Eve.

Tonight, I’ll be doing dinner then heading out to a house party in the Hollywood hills. I plan on going pretty hard tonight, and the celebration should end by noon tomorrow. There are many things to look forward to in 2008, one of which will be the recovery from the massive hangover I will be nursing for the rest of the week.

By the way, the hotties above are Dasani and Leola from LesbianTraining.com.  A great resolution for 2008 is to check out some more of their pics and then sign up for their website.

I’m a big fan of strippers.  Especially around the holidays.  Last Friday night, I was out with a couple homies and we noticed an advertising truck for a strip club a couple miles away.  Admission was supposed to be free after mentioning the ad, so naturally we smoked a blunt and made our way to the strip club after last call.

The doorman claimed that the truck did not apply to the location we were at, but we weren’t having his jibberish.  Your boy Fat Dick thinks false advertising is no joke, and I quickly pointed out the fact that the location we were at was clearly advertised on the truck, which, lucky for us, was parked directly outside of the club for easy reference.  After paying for two six dollar Cokes, we were in.

I don’t like lap dances.  Too much pressure.  I always feel goofy, and I don’t like getting stripper perfume on dry clean only shirts.  But that’s just me.

I like to camp out near the stage where I can see everything, but I like to sit far enough away so I am not obligated to tip.  But that’s just me.

I seem to come up with some pretty good ideas after smoking, and while watching a hot three girl act on stage, I came up with a gem that I think I will put into action soon.  Feel free to steal it if you want.  Here we go: If one were to replace all of the lighting fixtures in his house with strip club lighting, one could bring home broke ass honeys and never know the difference.  I think this is a pretty solid idea.  The fact of the matter is that nine out of ten strippers do not look good in a well-lit room.  They depend on strip club lighting to sell lap dances.  Why am I going out to bars and working hard trying to do eights and nines when I could be going out and hitting on fives and sixes that look like nines and tens under strip club lighting?

Sure, strip club lighting will make it infinitely harder for me to read, but I don’t own many books, so that shouldn’t be a huge deal.  I might head out to Home Depot to see if they carry strip club lighting fixtures.

Oh, the hottie above is Sandra from Interracial.com.  I’ve plugged Interracial.com in the past, and you may recall that you can purchase a trial membership for the site for only a buck.  I suggest that you head over and check her out if you are a fan of interracial porn.

It’s always funny to see who gets fired after a big porn show. One of the luxuries of not having a boss is that you can get as wasted as you want, make a fool of yourself, hit on people you shouldn’t be hitting on, talk shit on major adult industry players, and you can still be sure that you are not going to get a pink slip on Monday.

I love seeing who gets fired as a result of his party antics after every show, but truth be told, I prevented a a sales rep from a MAJOR adult industry company from getting the axe over something he did to me on Sunday night. I also have a humorously disturbing story to go along with this claim, but I’ll save it for my next post when I do my obligatory Internext wrap up.

I’ll leave you with an autoresponse that I just got while trying to send a certain affiliate manager an Internext follow up email. I met this guy for the first time on Thursday night, really hit it off with him, and saw him throughout the show. Too bad he is no longer with his company because I was really looking forward to doing some business with him. I must disclose that I am not completely sure he was fired, but it does look quite curious when someone is repping a company pretty hard at a show and then is mysteriously no longer part of the company once the show is over. Maybe too much partying? Here’s the email, edited for everyone’s privacy:

Dear affiliate,

This email is to inform you that ***** is sadly not working
with **************** anymore. This address will thus be
disbanded shortly. In the meanwhile, please forward your
request to ********. Your request will be dispatched either
to ******** or to ********, our new account managers.

So sad.

This scene happened about three chairs over from me, poolside, at Internext this afternoon.  The image itself isn’t all that shocking, but consider this: the sex act performed above was not filmed for distribution.  No, it was filmed for personal enjoyment, and the two people involved met approximately forty-five seconds before this picture was taken.  I heard their fucking intro.

Plus, the chick is a little fat and the dude has a handlebar mustache.

As an added FYI, I’m starting to be pretty drunk since I just finished another $200 pitcher of Mojitos (real price).  This concerns me because it is only about 3PM here in Florida.  I have a long evening ahead of me, so I should probably start in on the cocaine to compensate.

Oh, also there are about fifty strippers poolside right now, so I need to ditch this Wi-Fi connection in my cabana and start trying to get laid.

I’m on a private jet right now at LAX. Why? Because your boy Fat Dick doesn’t fly with the common folk. Also because your boy Fat Dick had a couple friends at a major porn company who owed him a favor. Suffice to say that we have packed a private jet with plenty of tequila and are bound for Ft. Lauderdale International Airport. Unfortunately one member in our crowd is still MIA, so we are playing a drinking game called ‘take a tequila shot for every fifteen minutes that go by.’ I’m probably going to puke in a few minutes.

Anyway, it is time once again for an awesome paid vacation business networking opportunity. Yes, my friend. I am talking about Internext. I have an itinerary for the show that is three pages long, and I also have an incredible appetite for alcohol and drugs. We’ll see how things turn out.

I will try to send at least one update, complete with pics, from Florida, but no guarantees. Operating my Blackberry once the madness begins will be quite a chore.

I don’t know if you noticed, but whenever I have a really savage weekend, you can expect a blog entry so late that it is almost irrelevant.  With that said, I would like to talk about what I did last weekend because I am officially recovered.  Oh, it’s Friday of the following week.

Last Friday night, I went pretty hard.  One of my biggest clients was in town for the night, so I had to entertain.  We hit Hyde for a bit, then went to a house party in the hills.  The thing I really like about Hyde is that the service is pretty fucking awesome.  The second the last drop of Grey Goose is poured, some hottie in a tight top is back at your table with another $500 bottle.  Put that on the company AmEx, bitch.

Even though I couldn’t really see straight when I arrived at the after party, the action didn’t really heat up until about 3am.  By that time, we were hitting the rails in a major way, and I had already dropped a couple tabs of e earlier in the night, so my head was spinning.  I recall some lesbian sex going on in the pool, but Friday was one of those nights where no one really wants to discuss what happened out of fear that something extremely embarrassing went down.  I’m alright with that.

I somehow passed out (shocker) and woke up at around 8am.  Surprisingly, I was on a bed in a room full of people, but no one seemed very concerned with the fact that some dude was passed out on the bed.  I checked in the mirror to confirm that there was not a penis drawn on my forehead, then proceeded to do some cocaine to wake up.  I was so out of it at this point that I honestly had absoutely no idea where I was.  The room was so unfamiliar, but I had to play it cool because people were talking to me and I couldn’t just straight up ask where I was.  I came up with the theory that I was in Florida (where I’ll be this week for Internext) in my hotel room.  I wondered how much of the show I had missed.

After I realized that I was just in Hollywood, I called a cab and passed out around 10am.  I woke up around 3pm feeling like shit.  I don’t usually get hung over at all, but even after a few tabs of vicodin, I still wanted to hang myself in the shower.  I ordered out some food, tried to regain my composure, masturbated in the shower, and did a little work.  Nothing seemed to help with this hangover from hell.  When all else fails, continue drinking.

I tried to rally the troops for happy hour and remembered that my friend/business partner Stephanie had arrived to LA earlier in the week from Paris.  We arrived at happy hour around 5:30pm and were drunk by 6pm.  Around that time, I got a call from a friend.  He had stumbled upon some acid and wanted to know if I wanted some.  He dropped off ten tabs at the bar.  Stephanie and I were going to have one hell of a night.

Before we took the acid, we had a pretty lengthy discussion of what we were going to do.  We decided we wanted to do something really cool instead of just hitting up bars or watching Pink Floyd’s The Wall.  Several possibilities were mentioned, and the stakes were continually risen until I came up with the idea to do a Las Vegas trip.  We had no time to pack or get a change of clothes.  Instead, we did two hits of acid each and told a cabbie we needed to get to the airport fast.  I booked us a flight on the way to the airport and started calling hotels.

Flights to Las Vegas from LAX go out about once an hour, and we happened to arrive to the airport about ten minutes before the next flight.  Perfect.  The acid started to hit me as I was going through security, and I had some significant problems removing my shoes.

We did another hit of acid on the plane, booked a suite at the Bellagio after we landed, and arrived at the hotel around 10:30pm.  Things were quite hazy by this time, though, so you might have to give or take a few hours on that estimate.  I took a quick shower, secured some cocaine from my favorite Las Vegas resident, and we hit the clubs.  First was Light.  I had never been to Light before, but we decided to check it out since we were staying at the Bellagio.  Even though I was insanely drunk and high, I was coherent enough to realize that the club sucked and I needed more acid.  We took hit number four, did some blow to compensate, then jumped in a cab bound for Jet at the Mirage.  We had to get bottle service because we were high as kites and couldn’t deal with lines.  I think that we actually split most of our bottle of Grey Goose, but some Persian bitches found their way over to our table and snagged some as well.

I was a dance machine at Jet.  The ladies were loving it.  The lights were pretty much blowing my acid-riddled mind, and I barely even knew what my name was.  Naturally, around 2am, we did our final hit of acid and made our way to Pure at Caesar’s Palace.  Pure is my favorite Las Vegas spot, but it was totally packed, so we had to get bottle service once again to get inside.  I don’t think I drank any of our Grey Goose at Pure because I was way too busy feeling the white curtains around the club.  They felt pretty amazing and the lighting was blowing my mind.  I busted out some really hot dance moves when the DJ played “Make it Rain,” and started in on finishing our blow supply to offset the psychedelics.

We ended up back at our room around 9am.  I thought I was starting to come down when I went to sleep, but when I woke up at 11:30am, I was still pretty high.  By the way, for some reason I thought it was a really good idea to book an extremely expensive suite, but we ended up spending a total of three hours in it.  We made our way to the airport, for our 1pm flight, and I was back at my place in LA by 3pm.  Oh, and I felt amazing.

The moral of this story is that the best way to cure a hangover is a Vegas trip.  My body hates Vegas so much, but my mind loves it.  I’m torn.

What am I doing this weekend?  Nothing exciting at all.  I am working hard on a prototype of a product I will be pitching at Internext next weekend.  Internext is going to be quite a bender for me, so I figured I should probably rest up anyway.

So I had an absoutely amazing time at the XBiz Summer Forum. I was actually planning on filling you in on my experiences as they happened, but I was pretty much wasted for three days straight and unable to produce any type of coherent written thought.

The action really started in the first class section of my flight to Las Vegas, when my savage crew of party animal travelling companions and I were able to literally drink all of the vodka on the plane. If you think I am fucking with coach on the forty-five minute flight to Vegas, you are wrong. In case you are keeping track of time, I arrived in Las Vegas, completely wasted, shortly after noon. Of course, the mandatory Jager shots were consumed in our stretch limo on the way to the Hard Rock Hotel, and once my room was ready (shortly after 2pm), I inaugurated the bathroom by puking for a solid twenty minutes, and then turning my sink into an alcoholic’s wet dream, as shown below:

OK, so the sink is stocked with ice and roughly eighteen Coronas. The hotel is slowly filling up with a who’s who of the adult industry. I’m loaded up with free porn and sponsor schwag that I received at the registration desk. I have a lengthy itinerary of seminars that I will definitely not attend and meetings I will be way too wasted to remember. What do I do next? Throw a beat to the free porn (of course), then iron some clothes and pass out for about half an hour while waiting for my Las Vegas drug dealer to come by with party favors to fuel the rest of my stay.

After getting loaded up with a few eight balls and fifteen hits of e, I went to a dinner at the Bellagio, where I got drunk on expensive wine and snacked on some delicious Ahi Tuna. Being a big deal is a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Tuesday night was relatively low-key. I ended up pretty wasted, but returned to my room around 6am, which is a pretty respectable hour for Las Vegas.

After waking up Wednesday around 11am, I grabbed a Corona and headed towards the cabanas to meet new friends, catch up with old ones, and get really drunk. I was drinking pretty heavily by noon, drunk by two, high by three, drunk again by five, passed out by six, drunk again by eight, high by nine, and then rolling on e by eleven. During this madness, I completely forgot to eat anything. Wednesday night, as you can probably guess, was pretty hazy for me. I was high as hell at a suite party, and then thought it would be a really good idea to smoke some hash in someone’s room. Unfortunately, this turned me into Rip Van Winkle, and I woke up hugging a bidet in the Hard Rock Hotel celebrity suite with a friend asking me if I was overdosing on heroin. Good times.

I was sure that I was getting my second wind around 7am, and tried to compensate for the heavy eyelids given to me by the hash by doing about half an eight ball of cocaine, but I had no luck. I ended up passing out repeatedly in between attempts to move back to my room. I think on Wednesday night, I successfully passed out in the celebrity suite bathroom, on the couch of the celebrity suite, in the hallway of the celebrity suite, on the bed of the celebrity suite, in the second bathroom of the celebrity suite, in the doorway of the celebrity suite, and just outside the door of the celebrity suite, before reaching my room to sleep at around noon. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much trouble moving.

I got a couple hours of shut eye on Thursday afternoon, but I had to rally and start drinking heavily because I had an underwear walkoff to win down by the pool. First place prize was $2,000, and I was completely sure that I would win until I realized that I was going up against a midget. As soon as I saw this fucker, I was just shooting for second place. Obviously, I beat all of the chicks and one $100 for second place.

Thursday night, I got really wasted and then went to a suite party, where I actually ended up doing a ton of business and meeting lots of great people. I thought I was going to end the night at a reasonable hour, but instead ended up heading out to my favorite Las Vegas spot, the Peppermill, around 6am with my friend, and finally passing out on my hotel room floor around 9am. I woke up at 11am feeling excellent.

My favorite part about Las Vegas is the difference between arriving and leaving the city. On Wednesday everyone was super psyched about being in Vegas. I even heard some highly tacky ‘Vegas Baby!’ yells. On Friday, everyone looked like shit, and all I heard were comments along the lines of ‘Fuck Vegas, I need to get out of this place’ and ‘Why would anyone ever come here voluntarily?’

Anyway, I had an awesome experience at XBiz. The show was organized very well, I did a ton of business, had a lot of fun (probably too much), and I was completely worn out on Friday. I am recovered now, and ready to start making some money with new friends and business partners.