What’s the deal with this guy? I’ve touched on my feelings about bathroom attendants before, but a few recent experiences have me itching to elaborate on exactly how uncomfortable bathroom attendants make me feel. I challenge you to find me another occupation that relies more on the pity/race card in receiving tips than that of the bathroom attendant. I can soap up, wash, and dry my own hands. I’ve been doing it for years. Regardless of this fact, the bathroom attendant routinely forces his services on me and then makes me feel bad about his socioeconomic position in order to receive my porn money tips.

Each time I encounter one of these fuckers, my drug-riddled brain is becomes plagued by questions I wish I were comfortable enough to ask. Is there a competition for bathroom attendants? Is there a series of physical challenges that take place when a bar opens to determine which homeless-looking guy gets to control the bathroom sink? How often do these physical challenges take place? Is the bathroom attendant sanctioned by any members of management? Does the bathroom attendant have to pay a cover to get into hot Hollywood clubs, or is he always on the guestlist? Or does the doorman just waive him in and tell security ‘He’s cool?’ Are all bathroom attendants actually homeless or do they dress down to look the part? What gives the bathroom attendant the authority to shine his flashlight under the handicap stall when my crew is busy doing lines off the toilet seat cover dispenser?

I have no idea.

Is being a bathroom attendant even lucrative enough to justify hanging out with drunk people all night in a bathroom? Some of these fuckers don’t even earn their tips. I caught one guy having a conversation in Spanish via a Bluetooth headset a few weeks back. He didn’t even get the soap for me, then he handed me a pre-torn paper towel and looked at me with the notorious ‘Where’s my dollar’ expression that only a bathroom attendant can give. Really? A dollar for handing me a paper towel while you spit game at your chica during your free nights and weekends minutes? I think not, papi. I think not.

The bathroom attendant has the ability to test even the cleanest man’s higyene. Every man, after he is done using the facilities, asks himself whether he should wash his hands and risk losing a buck, depending on how good the bathroom attendant is at making him feel bad, or just say fuck it and dry the urine off of his hands with the outfit of whatever slut he is trying to do. I’ve seen guys puke, then take a dump on their hands, then get a terrible bloody nose, yet still decide to avoid the sink to save a dollar. This makes me wonder: should the department of public health be concerned about the bathroom attendant?

I’m big on the ‘Ah, sorry, I don’t have any cash’ excuse. Awkward? Yes. Untrue? Most of the time. But I try to treat all homeless people the same, and that is the response that I gave to cardboard box dreadlock guy on the way into the club. If the bathroom attendant is dressing like a homeless guy, as far as I’m concerned he is homeless. Just like how when women dress like sluts, they are asking to be raped. Same thing.

Granted, when I’m drunk, I tend to empathize with the plight of the bathroom attendant more, which translates into tipping, but the only way to guarantee a tip from me is actually taking my penis out, holding it while I pee, shaking it off, washing my hands (just in case), then ordering me a drink. Basically, I want to be able to act like that dead dude from Weekend At Bernie’s while in the bathroom, and any attendant who allows me to do so is in for a little something special. In the form of a dollar.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 3rd, 2007 at 4:23 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.