I hate tequila, and before last night, I honestly think I have never ordered a tequila shot from a bar. Unfortunately, on a fairly regular basis, I find a tequila shot in front of me late at night, and I get pressured to take it. I’m a total sheep, so of course I down it and yell something like ‘Cuervo!’ or ‘Te-Kill Ya!’ but I know that as soon as I down the phantom tequila shot, the night is about to take a turn for the worse.

What do I mean by ‘turn for the worse?’ Included in the ‘turn for the worse’ category are such events as fucking fat chicks, passing out under a car, puking on myself, getting into a bar fight and wetting my bed.

Last night, I found myself at an authentic Irish pub in San Francisco with some friends discussing this very topic. Accordingly, we came up with a plan to take on the Tequila-Only Challenge. You can do it at home! Here are the rules we came up with:

1. You May Only Drink Tequila
   No mixed drinks (this includes margaritas), no water, no red bull, and no other liquids unless they are tequila. Tequila on the rocks is ok as long as you down it before the ice melts too much (thus becoming ultimately a mixed drink).
2. Lime Is The Only Acceptable Chaser/Additive
   My compadres called me pussy for coming up with this rule, but I can’t really deal with the taste of tequila and thought that it was a necessity.
3. Once You Drink Something Other Than Tequila, You’re Done
   That’s right. No ‘taking a break’ from the Tequila-Only Challenge. Once you stop drinking tequila shots, you are done drinking completely and you must return to your residence.
4. Only Pay With Cash
   This is not an official Tequila-Only Challenge rule, but I imposed this rule on myself because, on a night where I am only drinking tequila, there is no way that I am going to be sober enough to close a tab.

Let me reiterate that I absoutely hate tequila.

Like I said, we were in an Irish pub, so we figured that it was the perfect place to begin the Tequila-Only Challenge by taking some inaugural Tequila-Only Challenge tequila shots. After all, there is nothing more Irish than tequila. Shots one and two were not at all easy and I had difficulties keeping the tequila down even after sucking on about four lime slices.

After we embarked on the Tequila-Only Challenge, I knew that the night would be a complete mess. It was. Here is the timeline:

8:15PM Gather More Supplies

We left the Irish pub at this point to pick up some tequila from a nearby liquor store. I knew it would be a late night, and I did not want last call to get in the way of our fun. We purchased three (3) bottles of Patron, two (2) handles of Jose Cuervo (not my idea), and two (2) bottles of Tarantula (my favorite), along with fifteen (15) limes.

8:20PM Return To My Hotel

My room was fucking huge this weekend, so I figured it would be best to make use of the extra space by having some people over to drink tequila heavily.

8:35PM First Puking Incident

After tequila shot number five (Patron), I puked. Did I mention that I hate tequila?

8:55PM Second Puking Incident

After tequila shot number seven (Jose), I puked again. I was craving water at this point because the tequila tasted like homeless man asshole, but unfortunately water is prohibited by Tequila-Only Challenge rule #1.

9:15PM They Have Tequila At Sports Bars

We ordered a round of tequila at the sports bar downstairs at my hotel. Why not finish off the tequila in my room? We were trying to recruit more people for the Tequila-Only Challenge. We were unsuccessful, but we were six strong at this point, and we were about to meet up with a larger crew at a club.

10:05PM Tequila Bottle Service

We took a cab out to one of my favorite San Francisco nightspots, and got some bottle service. What did we order? Two bottles of Patron, silly! At this point, I would like to commend one member of our party. Unfortunately I am not able to mention her name on the blog, but her commitment to the Tequila-Only Challenge was amazing as she literally threw a bottle of chaser brought out by out waitress across the room. Amazing.

10:40PM Third Puking Incident

I was most likely around shot number twelve when I had to puke into a napkin at our table. I promptly walked to the middle of the dancefloor where I dropped the napkin. Hopefully someone stepped on it.

11:00PM Not Just Drunk, Tequila Drunk

You know how you get all weird and want to slap chicks while fucking them up the ass after you drink a few forties? There is no way you would be in that kind of mood after a couple vodka tonics. Malt liquor gives you a different kind of drunk feeling. What is a tequila drunk feeling like? Aside from wanting to pick up a Latina hooker on Craig’s List, I wanted to pass out pretty badily. I had difficulty with nearly all motor functions, and all I could think about was passing out while getting blown by a Craig’s List Latina hooker.

12:15PM Hit On A Bartender

By this point of the night, word had gotten out that the Tequila-Only Challenge was underway. I got a bartender to take two tequila shots with me after giving her a hefty tip. I’m pretty sure that I hit on her at this point, but I was talking jibberish game, which proved ineffective in landing pussy.

12:50AM Tequila Shower Wake-Up

I want to thank whoever woke me up at our table by pouring tequila all over my face. Aside from almost drowning, I almost puked (again) and my face smelled like shit. Thanks again.

1:20AM Back To The Hotel

A pretty large group came back to my room, where a fairly large tequila supply had our names on it.

1:45AM Fourth Puking Incident

Things were starting to get pretty bad. I was seeing double, and must have had at least twenty tequila shots at this point.

1:50AM Possible Remedy: Stimulants

Typically, when I dip into the devil’s dandruff, I am able to consume more alcohol and my drunkness is dampened. In order to attempt to get out of the tequila hell that my body was trapped in, I suggested taking it to the rails (allowed in the Tequila-Only Challenge). Everyone agreed that it was a very good idea, and I began chasing lines with tequila shots. Bad motherfucking news.

2:45AM Slightly Less Drunk

My suggestion proved to be successful, but I began getting nervous that an all-nighter was coming on. While the Tequila-Only Challenge was still in full effect, the crowd was substituting tequila shots for rails more and more as the night continued. I thought about this for a second and then realized that I was really wasted and I didn’t care.

3:00AM Second Wind

I got my second wind around three. I don’t know what brought it on, but I suddenly realized that tequila had stopped tasting like shit. I was so wasted that tequila became completely tasteless, which allowed me to drink more. Much more.

5:00AM Tap Out

After consuming copious amounts of tequila and blow without any water, I had to tap out at around five. The Tequila-Only Challenge was over. Other Tequila-Only Challengers finished shortly after.

When I woke up this afternoon, I had a horrible taste in my mouth which nearly made me puke, and I had the worst hangover I have ever had. This is exactly what I expected when I embarked on the Tequila-Only Challenge.

Feel free to post comments with your Tequila-Only Challenge experiences. I suggest you do this at home.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 7th, 2007 at 10:13 pm and is filed under Crazy Party Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.