I think New Year’s Eve/Day might be my favorite holiday.  Why?  Well, it’s certainly not because I get to party with close friends.  I get to do that several days each week.  And it’s not because I get to start the new year with a clean slate because within fifteen minutes of midnight I have usually already stepped up my substance intake, pleasured myself, passed out, and done something to bring even more shame upon my family name.

The reason that I like the New Year holiday so much has nothing to do with the festivities that occur on New Year’s Eve.  No, my friend.  Instead, I love the New Year holiday because New Year’s Day is the one day each year that a substance abuser like myself can be completely comfortable, and talk openly about, having a hangover.

Every Thursday night, many people get a little too excited about the weekend and end up going out, getting wasted, and getting a huge hangover the next day.  Imagine calling into work and telling your boss that you don’t feel like coming in because you have a hangover.  While many alcoholics do this regularly, it is frowned upon in the business world.  On New Year’s Day, you don’t even have to call in.  The call has already been placed for you in the form of a national holiday which should have been named National Hangover Day.

Let’s think about the reason for setting up a national holiday on New Year’s Day.  What happens on this day?  It is not affiliated with any major religion.  It contains absoutely no parades, celebrations, formalities, or festivities.  Why, then, has New Year’s Day been declared a national holiday?

New Year’s Day has been declared a national holiday as reinforcement that it is completely cool to have a hangover from the previous night’s festivities.  Thus, I’m getting wasted.

Since New Year’s Day is a national holiday created to help Americans with their hangovers, it follows that the government promotes a wild night of drinking and drug use for New Year’s Eve.  Accordingly, as is my civic duty, I’m getting wasted tonight for New Year’s Eve.  Not just wasted.  Really wasted.  I typically get wasted on nights where I don’t have the help of a national holiday for my hangover recovery.  Instead, I have to Red Bull my way through the workday.

With the help of the New Year’s Day holiday, I can go big tonight and not worry about the consequences.  Fuck, I can go to sleep at noon tomorrow and wake up at 10pm.  I can get alcohol poisoning and be back from the hospital in time for an important conference call on Tuesday.  I can overdose and make it to a lunch meeting on Tuesday feeling great.  I can try drug and rape a hottie at a party tonight and be bailed out in time to launch a new site on Tuesday.  This is amazing.

Also, New Year’s Day serves as the only day during which it is cool to openly discuss how bad your hangover is with people you don’t know.  I can’t even count the amount of times that I have been in the line at the grocery store and said ‘Shit, I should have laid off the nosecandy last night.  I am hungover as fuck,’ as a way to start a conversation with the person in front of me.  It never works.  Instead of getting some much needed support, I get the evil eye.

On New Years Day, feel free to tell the person in front of you in line, the checker, the store manager, or the waiter that serves you wherever you go out to eat (because we know you’ll be too hungover to make anything for yourself).  Fuck, you can even call your parents and tell them about how bad your hangover is because they will probably have one too.

Instead of the evil eye, you’ll probably get a response similiar to ‘Shit, that sounds bad.  I woke up around four today and wanted to kill everything around me because my hangover was so bad,’ when you bring up the antics of the previous evening.

So go out, get wasted, and enjoy the hangover recovery day brought to you by our government.  Happy New Year!

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 31st, 2006 at 11:31 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.