A while ago, I went to a strip club for a meeting. I didn’t pay anything to get in, but drinks were really expensive and I think my group spent somewhere in the neighborhood of six hundred dollars on lap dances throughout the course of the evening. I left, slightly buzzed, with a boner and a much lighter wallet.

On my way home, I was thinking about how much of a rip-off my strip club trip was in light of the fact that I could have watched a bunch of teen hotties getting fucked on my favorite website for hardcore teen porn, Young Models, for only one dollar. Yup, a membership to a teen porn website for only one buck. Plus, I could have masturbated to these hot teens getting fucked which would have eliminated the problem of my boner that I experienced at the strip club. Doh!

A while ago, I went to an erotic movie theater. I paid eight bucks to get in, the floor was sticky, there were like fifteen creepy guys wearing sweats, and I couldn’t masturbate to the porn I was watching because I didn’t want to pull a Pee Wee. Talk about a waste of money.

Anyway, back in the day, I told you about an interracial porn site where you can join for only one dollar, and now one of my favorite websites, Young Models, is having a special promotion where you can get a trial membership for only one dollar. What does the trial membership get you? Full access to the website, silly! You can check out all of the super high-quality videos and pictures for only one dollar. That is insanely fucking cheap.

I hear rumors about sex shows going on in East LA every once in a while, but I doubt that you can get into any of them for a buck. I knew a guy who paid his friend a grand to watch him fuck his wife. That’s just sad. How about you check out Young Models right now so you can watch super hot models fucking for only a dollar?

How hot are these chicks and what kind of action do they get down with? I’m so happy you asked! Here are some free samples straight from Young Models. If you aren’t ready to drop a hard-earned dollar to see them fucking in high-quality videos, check your pulse.

Sammy
Watch the Videos -or- View the Pictures
Sammy is the type of cutie that will force you to double check her ID before you bone her after picking her up. She is one of my favorites on Young Models, and she fucks like a champ. The videos that I am linking to above are super hot, but the clips in the members are are even hotter. What a cutie!

Ginger
Watch the Videos -or- View the Pictures
From certain angles, Ginger would appear to be a ‘butterface,’ but I don’t give a fuck. I would bang the bejesus out of this hottie, and you know that you would, too. She has a super sexy body and, like Sammy, she fucks like a champ. If you need any further proof of this, please see the above video of Ginger riding a dick like a cowgirl.

Jayna
Watch the Videos -or- View the Pictures
If you name your daughter ‘Jayna,’ she is about as likely to get a boob job and become a pornstar as I am to masturbate to her fucking some douchebag on a website. That being said, Jayna bears a close resemblance to Hulk Hogan’s doughter, but she has huge titties and I would bang her in a second.

Madison
Watch the Videos -or- View the Pictures
In a nutshell, Madison is a sweetie with a dirty side. Don’t let the super-innocent pic of Madison to the left fool you into thinking that she isn’t constantly horny. She is. Actually, she looks really good with a dick in her mouth, and once her clothes come off, this skinny teen babe will do just about anything. Don’t believe me? Check the vids.

Baylee
Watch the Videos -or- View the Pictures
I’m typically against chicks who spell their names in really weird ways, but since Baylee is Asian, I’m going to go ahead and give her parents props for trying to hook her up with a legit American name. They also may have fronted the cash for Baylee’s boob job, in which case I would also throw some props their way.

My favorite part about Young Models is that they bring in a bunch of douchebag guys to fuck these hot teen chicks, so the action is quite realistic. You remember back in high school when you weren’t getting laid but the douchebag with the mohawk that sat next to you in chemistry was? Welp, that douchebag is probably in a video on Young Models fucking a super hot barely-legal chick. I like that.

Did I mention that the videos on Young Models are crystal-clear? It’s like a live sex show everytime you log-in! Except unlike a regular sex show, you can masturbate in private AND you don’t have other dirty dudes next to you.

Bums make more than a dollar each day, so I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you can spare a dollar to check out some super hot chicks getting fucked in high-quality videos. Quit relying on free porn filled with pop-ups, blind links and other bullshit, and start enjoying a high quality paysite. It’s only a buck. What do you have to lose?

Take the tour and join Young Models now!

I’m writing this entry while sobering up from a three-day drinking binge that involved several cities, large bar tabs, many run-ins with bouncers, excessive amounts of Mexican food, and three filet-o-fish sandwiches from McDonalds. Yes, filet-o-fish sandwiches from McDonalds.

My latest round of heavy drinking began on Thursday night. Notable events from that evening’s festivities included an extensive conversation about the porn industry with a hardcore Christian chick, me performing a dance number for three Asian hotties, and me throwing an entire Mexican food meal at a neighboring apartment. Obviously, the usual drunken antics that you can expect from your boy Fat Dick, but everyone knows that Thursday is always the calm before the storm.

Friday’s round of heavy drinking began at two-for-one happy hour, which always proves to be a death sentence for me and whomever is with me. Why? When you combine two-for-one drink specials with an insatiable appetite for alcohol, bad things are sure to happen. Problem is, happy hour ends at 8pm, which means that by 8:30pm, I am completely out of my mind wasted. On Friday I started in with some shots at around 10pm at another bar and ended up puking in the bathroom and passing out at a table, after which, I got kicked out by a bouncer whom I got into a minor altercation with. Naturally, after getting kicked out I attempted to scour the greater Los Angeles area for blow, which I finally landed about an hour later. I woke up from being passed out at another bar to go outside to grab it, and then proceeded to re-enter the bar, pass out again, and wake up in my bed with my clothes and shoes on.

What woke me up in the morning? It was a call from my friend, and incidently my companion from the night before. She is a lot smarter than I am, so she bowed out soon after happy hour in order to save herself the embarrassment that I experienced. Anyway, we quickly came up with the idea to head to Pacific Beach for the night, and we left within about an hour. We had no clear plans, no concrete ideas for a place to stay, and neither of us had been to Pacific Beach before. We did, however know that it was somewhere south of Los Angeles, and I was still drunk from the night before, so I was ready to handle just anything Pacific Beach could throw at me, as long as there was a way for me to score some more alcohol after I started sobering up.

What ensued was an amazingly fun adventure. I only had two goals:

1. Get kicked out of another bar in order to be able to post a blog entry about getting kicked out of two different bars in two different cities on two consecutive nights.
2. Say ‘We’re just visiting from LA’ to as many Pacific Beach locals as possible.

Since your boy Fat Dick is a goal-oriented individual, I, with the help of my compadre, accomplished both of these goals. Below, for your convenience, I’ve listed some important events and things that I learned from our trip.

Pacific Beach Has A Lot Of Liquor Stores
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count: 12

‘Socially-conscious’ rappers always complain about how there is a liquor store on every corner of every ghetto. After our trip, I am courious as to why emo singers don’t whine about how every block in Pacific Beach actually is just a really long collection of liquor stores. This place caters to the alcoholic, so obviously I was in paradise. After deciding which liquor store to patronize (it was tough), we copped a fifth of vodka (Grey Goose) and some Red Bull and set off to find a hotel.

The Stinger (Heavy Drinking Trick)
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count: 17

We have already determined that I am really, really good at drinking heavily. Fuck, saying I am really good is an understatement. Anyway, over the years, I have devised several diabolical tricks in order to drink heavily as efficiently as possible. One such technique is called ‘The Stinger.’ Medically speaking, after a night of heavy drinking, your body is in a state of shock; it doesn’t know what to expect. The Stinger capitalizes on this shock by delaying the onset of the effects of the alcohol consumed. To do The Stinger, just consume a lot of alcohol within a short period of time after a night of heavy drinking, then go out, and about an hour later, you will find yourself completely shitfaced. This all happens out of nowhere! My compadre and I started the night off by consuming the better portion of the vodka we bought, and got stung much later in the night.

Independently Wealthy Vs. Unemployed
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count: 31

At the first bar we went to, we met a guy who originally claimed that he was ‘independently wealthy’ when we asked what he did. Later in the conversation, I inquired as to exactly what ‘independently wealthy’ meant. He then informed me that he collects unemployment. Quite a curious situation, but I want to give him a big shoutout because he said that he would check out my blog. Keep doing your thing, playboy.

The Breakdance Battle
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count: 53

After leaving the first bar, I found myself on the dancefloor at a neighboring bar getting ready for a pretty intense breakdance battle with some fool who had no skills. Actually, I have to back up. First, I had a couple drinks and tried to step onto the dancefloor with a drink in my hand when I was immediately, and I mean immediately, stopped by a bouncer who informed me that drinks were not allowed on the dancefloor. I chugged it and busted out some power moves, but the guy was like all serious about breakdancing and he was getting really upset so I bounced.

This is about the time when I was ’stung’ by The Stinger. We staggered to the next bar, which would be our last for the night, and some bizarre shit went down.

The Bathroom Incident
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count: 79

So I’m sipping a Red Bull / vodka (I think number 14 for the night) with my travel companion at the next bar when she informs me that she has to pee. This worked out really well because I had to pee too so we made our way to the bathrooms. Unfortunately, the line for the ladies room was really long, so I suggested that she just use the men’s room. We walked past a bouncer on our way in. I’ll repeat: we walked past a bouncer on the way in. Immediately, upon making it past the doorway, my friend was grabbed by the exact same bouncer who just watched her walk past him and informed her that she had to leave. Quite interesting. Since when do you get kicked out of a bar for that, and why didn’t the bouncer just stop her on the way in?

The Corona Debacle
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count: 88

After getting kicked out of that bar, we hit up a liquor store (it was next door) for a Corona six pack. Problem is, we ended up at the hotel in the morning with only two of the six bottles and could not locate the other four bottles anywhere in our hotel room or outside. Did we drink in public? I don’t know, but I was wasted.

The Filet-O-Fish Decision
‘We’re just visiting from LA’ count (final): 126

Somehow I thought it would be a good idea to order not one, not two, but three filet-o-fish sandwiches from McDonalds after getting the Corona. The McDonalds was sandwiched between two liquor stores. I have no clue why I thought that this would be a good idea, but those sandwiches were delicious. Problem is, I still have the ‘filet-o-fish’ taste in my mouth, even after brushing my teeth roughly twenty times since the incident.

We took a cab back to the hotel and I woke up the next morning in my clothes once again. I was disappointed when I saw the filet-o-fish boxes on the floor of the hotel room, but not as disappointed as I was when I realized that the hotel did not have a continental breakfast, but instead simply had a stray juice machine in its lobby. Excuse me? How the fuck do you buy a juice machine when you don’t have a continental breakfast? I was expecting some cantelope or at least a fucking bagel or some toast or something.

Anyway, I had a blast this weeken. Sometimes the best vacations are the ones that are not planned, involve heavy drinking, and come to fruition within ten minutes on a Saturday morning.

Oh yeah, AND when I got home, the first thing I did was check my Google stats (obviously), and I noticed that one of my sites had finally completely climbed its way out of supplemental result hell and into the first page of many popular searches. Who says that nothing productive can happen while you’re drunk?

As I’m sure everyone remembers from an earlier post, someone tried to kill me at a bar a couple months ago by strangling me.  Last night I encountered this fucker again, and he was anything but apologetic.

I had a meeting yesterday afternoon, which went really well, so I spent the evening doing a victory lap around several bars in the greater Los Angeles area followed by a pretty lengthy blow session at my friend’s place in Beverly Hills.  I eventually found myself back in my neighborhood around two in the morning, where I continued drinking heavily at my friend’s apartment.  I was drinking at one end of the dining room table when I asked to be introduced to the dude at the other end.  After giving me his name, this fucker was like ‘Hey, didn’t I strangle you a while ago?’

I replied with ‘Oh, that was you,’ but I wasn’t really sure still because I was drunk as fuck throughout the entire strangling incident.  I was expecting some type of apology, but all I got was a detailed recap of the event and some bullshit justification about how I was saying everything twice and making fun of the fact that this guy was hanging out at a college bar when he was clearly past college-age.

Truth be told, this fucker is way past college-age, yet he is completely comfortable kicking it at college bars and indefinitely continuing his college education.  Perhaps he should have used my verbal assault as motivation to enter the ‘real world’ rather than looking like a dickfor.

Oh hey, a quick thought for this guy because I know he reads my blog: How about not doing blow off of the back of a magazine with a bunch of college students in an apartment at three in the morning on a motherfucking Tuesday?  Maybe you should be focusing on your Summer classes or building your resume.  Act your age.  Granted, your boy Fat Dick is allowed to be wasted seven nights each week because he is at a young age when that type of activity is accepted, but after a few years of college antics, you should be over it.  Straight up.

So anyway, I received no apology.  Actually, I may have received an apology, but I was really distracted by the fact that this guy was much smaller than me.  I could tear this guy up with, or without, my strap.  Don’t get me wrong.  I fully expect death threats and near-throwdowns everytime I get wasted at a bar.  I usually make up detailed stories about escapades with fellow drinkers’ mothers, sisters, or girlfriends.  Threatening me with a broken beer bottle or other gnarly weapon is completely accepted.  Fuck, that kind of stuff is actually applauded; I need something to blog about.  But if you threaten my life, then encounter me at a later date and realize that you just looked like a douchebag by doing so, at least have the decency to apologize (even if you are high as hell with several other people whose combined age is less than half of yours).

Another thing.  In his detailed account of the night’s events in order to justify the strangling incident, this dude mentioned that he hung out with a fat chick immediately after the strangling went down.  Um, how about not mentioning electing to hang out with fat chicks if you don’t want to get verbally assaulted by the Fat Dick?

One more thing.  As a rule of thumb, don’t expect that I am going to let things slide when I am clearly in the middle of a long night of drinking and drug use.  Let me explain.  This dude (I’m going to call him ‘the strangler’ for the remainer of the article) was giving me a look like I should be cool with him because I was wasted.  The flaw in the strangler’s reasoning was that my body has adapted to my partying habits to the point where I am actually more alert and coherent when I am wasted than I am when I am sober.  I perform most work wasted, interact with family and friends wasted, and if you encounter me at any point during a weekend, odds are that I am somewhere in the middle of a seventy-two hour drinking binge.  Bottom line: I’m not over the attempted murder incident.

I’m sure I will encounter this fuckface again, and if I don’t get an apology, some bad things are going to happen.  I haven’t really had any specific ideas as to what these bad things will consist of, and I am having problems because I am a lover and not a fighter, but there is a good possibility I will beat this guy with unconventional things that are not meant to beat people with.  Like lawn furniture.  Actually, I’ll probably just pay someone else to do that so I can watch.  When you’re a big deal you can do things like that.

All I know is that the strangler is not a nice person.

I wish I could talk more about the recent events in the industry and the effect that they have on my plans for future projects, but I am a firm believer in not rocking the boat, so I am not going to say much. I will, however, say that I am considering moving into the world of text-based thumbnail gallery posts, depending on the results of my latest experiment, XXX Launchpad. The move is not at all because I think what I am doing now with blogs and image thumbnail gallery posts is wrong, but because I would prefer to avoid the increasing headache that results from these two formats of porn sites. If you think I am being vague, you are right!

Anyway, your boy Fat Dick just launched a brand new site no more than fifteen minutes ago. This new one is the epitome of low budget. It lacks any type of functional administration area, and only contains one image. That’s right, a free porn site with one image. This format is going to be increasingly popular among adult webmasters in the coming months for reasons that should be obvious if you are keeping up with the most recent developments. I built the site in about three hours. These three hours were completely spent finding halfway decent free porn galleries and crafting my amazing descriptions. If you think the website looks like complete shit, you’re right. That’s the look I was going for.

I am pretty nevous about the outcome of this experiment. I have a traffic order in for this new site, and I am going to try to build it up to 100k per day within two weeks. I have never been very good at growing a text tgp, though, so this is where the nervousness comes from. Back when Hot Gallery Post was all text, I worked my ass off to get it up to 12k. Everyone always talks about how text TGPs do much better than image TGPs, but I never experienced amazing conversions on Hot Gallery Post until I moved it to a blog format. It looks like only time will tell whether or not XXX Launchpad can bring home the bacon like the rest of my websites.

If things go well with this one, I think I may build it out to actually have some content on it. I had other plans for this domain initially, but I decided to do this text TGP experiment with it rather than spend time developing a nice site on it.

Be sure to give XXX Launchpad some time in your masturbatory rotation, and let me know what you think!