Yesterday I woke up on the floor of my living room.  I realized that my head was in a pool of my own vomit.  After getting up, I also realized that I had wet myself.  I didn’t remember anything from the night before, but typically when I pass out on the floor, wet myself, or puke on myself, I have had a good night, so I was pretty confident that some cool stuff had happened.

Basically, the moral of the story is that I am really good at drinking heavily, and drinking heavily makes you really cool.  I’m always trying to give back to the community, so I decided help everyone by sharing some advice about drinking heavily with you.  You’re welcome.

Laying a Foundation

When a construction company starts building a skyscraper, do they just show up at the site and start building at ground level?  Of course not, silly!  Sometimes it’s years before they make it to ground level.  There is tons of work that has to be done below ground.  In the industry, it’s called laying a foundation.  Without a solid foundation, the building is going to suck, and someone’s getting sued.

Drinking heavily is exactly like building a skyscraper.  Actually, a lot of construction workers drink heavily before showing up to build a skyscraper.  When you know you are going to be drinking heavily, you need to do some planning.

First, you can’t eat dinner.  Why?  Well, if you have a big dinner, it’s going to take more alcohol to get drunk.  No one wants that.  You should always be trying to get drunk as soon as possible.  This is why we need to build a solid foundation in your stomach to support a night of heavy drinking.  I recommend having a light lunch late in the afternoon.  Preferably something you won’t mind puking up later (see below).  Meat… probably not a good idea.  Salad or pasta are great going in and coming out!

After your light lunch, you are ready to continue laying your foundation.  The foundation for getting really wasted is made out of several beers before you head out to your destination.  Here’s an example: last night I knew I would be heading out to a bar around 12am.  Thus, I had a light lunch around 2pm and started drinking beer at around 9pm.  I drank steadily until around 12am, and upon leaving my place I was about eight beers deep and starting to feel a little tipsy.  That’s exactly what you should be going for.  You want to drink steadily (no need to push yourself early in the night) for a couple hours and fill your system with alcohol so you can get completely hammered once you are at your destination.  If you are not relatively wasted when you head out you are way behind the game.

Karaoke

When some guys really want to get laid at a bar, they may resort to pick up lines or some bullshit about how they’re really rich.  This never works.  When I want to get laid, I do karaoke.  You need to pick an old school hit that the party people are going to like.  Some of my favorites include anything by the Cranberries or ‘Push It’ by Salt N’ Pepper.

I did karaoke a couple nights ago and I didn’t sing a single lyric from the song.  Instead, I just heckled the audience and did some sweet dance moves.  The crowd loved it and I had like fifteen fat bitches hitting on me as soon as I walked off the stage.

Fat Bitches

If you are into fat chicks and you live in LA, I recommend going to Zanzibar, where about 90% of the chicks are over two hundred pounds.  If you aren’t into fat chicks, you need to learn how to use fat chicks as stepping stones for getting with the hotties.

I don’t know why, but fat chicks love me.  I used to be all weirded out by this, but now I have realized that fat chicks always give really good dome and sometimes some really funny stuff, like not being able to fit through a hallway or a doorway or consuming really large amounts of food, happens when I am getting hit on by a fatty.  The trick is, you have to steadily work from the fat chicks to the hot chicks.  It it’s a fact that all fat chicks have at least one super hot friend.  You just need to put in some work at the bar talking to the fat chick until she introduces you to the hottie and you’re in.

Develop a Gauge

You need to be able to know how drunk you are at all times and compare it to how drunk you want to be.  You should be working towards being too drunk to know how drunk you are, though, so developing a guage for how drunk you are (especially late in the evening) is going to be a little tricky.

My gauge is whether or not I am drunk enough to tip the bathroom attendant.  Every night, I’ll roll in a bar, pee, and be pretty upset that the bathroom attendant is in the bathroom because it’s really awkward and I prefer getting my own soap and towels.  However, as the night progresses, I feel more and more sorry for the bathroom attendant (with the help of alcohol), and when I am really wasted I have even been known to throw him a dollar.  By ‘throw him a dollar,’ I do literally mean that I crumple it up and throw it in his face.

Your gauge can be something like whether or not a particular member of your group looks hot.  I used to use that a while back.  I would go out in a group containing a pretty nasty chick, and I knew that I was wasted when I started seriously considering boning her.

There Is Always Room For More

A few nights ago, I had about ten drinks at home, passed out, woke up, went out to a bar, had twelve drinks, puked, had two more drinks, went home with a hottie, passed out again, woke up, drank more, cut up some lines, drank more, had anal sex, drank more, and then rounded off the evening with an all-night blow binge.  I got home around 7am.

The moral of the story is that there is always room for more booze, sex, drugs, or all of the above.  Don’t feel bad about using the ‘puke and rally’ method, and don’t call it a night after passing out for a couple hours.  When you wake up after passing out, God is telling you that he wants you to drink more.  So do it!

Develop a Plan

You shouldn’t just be going into a bar and ordering some random hodgepodge of drinks.  Personally, I like to plan out my progression of drinks early in the night.  Usually it is best to start out with some Red Bull / Vodkas, get into some Tequila-containing drink, move onto mixed shots (ie Jager Bombs, lemon drops, redhead sluts, etc), and finally finish strong with shots of hard alcohol.  On some nights, I just say fuck the bullshit and pound between four and six Jager Bombs within ten minutes of arriving at the bar.  This will get you fucked up, but Jager Bombs are always really expensive and it’s kind of weird to drop like two hundred bucks on your tab immediately upon arriving at the bar.  I would still recommend it, though.

It’s Not Over Until It’s Over

On my 21st birthday, I had my last drink (Mickey’s) at 10am.  I routinely finish drinking around five or six.  Don’t let last call slow you down.  The recurring theme with all of these pieces of advice is that planning is key.  Plan ahead and buy enough booze to hold you and the hot bitch you brought home with you until at least noon the next day (longer if any stimulants are involved).

Some families like to stock up on bottled water in case there is an earthquake or some natural disaster.  I like to stock up on booze in case it’s after last call and I need to be drinking.  A round of heavy drinking can begin at any time, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Back in the day, after waking up from being passed out in a random location, I would be all weirded out about not knowing what happened the night before.  Now, I don’t really care, and I don’t get hung over.  The fact of the matter is that I actually feel best in the morning after a long night of heavy drinking.

During the week, I have a hard time waking up before noon when I don’t drink.  I stay up all night working and I kind of just want to sleep all day.  When I drink heavily I don’t sleep well, so I’m always up at like eight or earlier and I feel great!  Yes, sometimes I am covered in my own urine, but that is a small price to pay for feeling great.

The bottom line is that you can do anything that you set your mind to.  If you put in your time at local bars and drink as much as possible, you will be as good at drinking as me.  I’m really good, though, so it’s going to take a while.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 16th, 2006 at 4:57 pm and is filed under Technical Writings, Crazy Party Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.