How To Smooth Over A Puking Incident
July 10th, 2006Obviously, I got down with some crazy shit for the Fourth of July, but I’m sure that you’re wondering why you didn’t hear about it. The reason, my friend, is that I don’t remember most of what happened during my Fourth of July celebration. Actually, I remember everything that happened on the Fourth of July; I spent most of the day walking around with my mouth open while mumbling incoherent jibberish. I was so fucking worn out after my Third of July night that I couldn’t even bring myself to hit it hard again on the Fourth.
I started my Third of July at a bar for happy hour, where I downed between twenty and twenty-five drinks. I was completely blacked out, but still made it back to my place. I actually regained consciousness while I was cutting up lines on my desk with a friend, and I was pretty disoriented at first, but I quickly got my head back in the game and finished the night strong.
Like I said, I was completely blacked out, and before I ended up at my place, I was at my friend’s place, where I apparently passed out on the floor for several hours. Oh yeah, and I puked in my friend’s roommate’s sink.
Yes, I puked in a sink. This is never a good idea, especially when you don’t know the person whose sink you are puking in. It turns out that my puking episode caused some minor drain blockage, and a liquid drain cleaner product had to be purchased. I only had a Subway sandwich prior to my puking episode, but I guess they don’t make drains like they used to.
Anyway, this chick’s roommate was not so happy about my puking episode, and understandably so. I felt really bad about it, so I had to scramble to try to make things right because I will probably be back over at her apartment hooking up in the near future. What did I come up with? A homemade card that could melt anyone’s heart.
In case you drink as heavily as I do, and you find yourself puking in someone’s sink, here is how I made things right after my puking episode.
Step 1: A Bomb-Ass Excuse
Ok, so I didn’t come up with a bomb-ass excuse, but I should have. If I had come up with a bomb-ass excuse, the subsequent two steps would not have been necessary. After roughly twenty-five drinks, it’s hard to come up with a bomb-ass excuse.
Nonetheless, I came up with a pretty sweet excuse. While I was running around the bathroom trying to clean up (I was told that I was in the bathroom for roughly an hour), I was confronted about exactly what was going on. I yelled through the bathroom door that someone else had puked in the sink and I was just cleaning up. In a setting where a lot of drunk people are around, this excuse can be successful; however, there were only two other people in the apartment at the time — one was completely sober, and the other was asking me if I had puked in the sink. Thus, my excuse must have just sounded like drunk jibberish, and also must have served as further evidence that I had, in fact, puked in the sink.
Pick a better excuse than that. If you can’t, keep reading.
Step 2: Go To An Arts And Crafts Store
This is the fun part. It’s almost like you are getting rewarded for puking in someone else’s sink, but not really. You are going to have to get a lot of shit because you are going to be making a really sweet card (see below). I pretty much went crazy and bought about $50 worth of arts and crafts supplies because I got increasingly excited about doing an arts and crafts project as I was shopping. I hadn’t done an arts and crafts project since like second grade, so I figured that I would make up for lost time.
Here’s what I bought:
- Construction Paper - Multicolored is best. I found a pretty sweet multicolored package of construction paper that contained pink, blue, yellow and green, so I was pretty much set on the paper front.
- Novelty Scissors - You know, those scissors that cut in odd angles. It’s best to buy as many as possible. I opted for the 20 pack because I am a baller and, like I said, I was really excited about this project.
- Crayons - I went for the 60 pack. Crayons are essential in any arts and crafts project.
- Markers - I wanted to place more emphasis on crayon illustrations than marker illustrations, so I only went with a twelve pack of markers. Actually, I never used them, but I have a feeling they are going to come in handy one day after I puke in someone’s bathtub.
- Glue Sticks - I bought like five glue sticks. Why? Well, aside from being one of the greatest inventions of our time, glue sticks are essential for this arts and crafts project.
Buy all of that shit, and prepare yourself to make a really sweet card that is your ticket out of the mess that you made in someone’s sink.
Step 3: Make a Sweet Card
For your convenience, here is a picture of the card that I made:
You’ll notice that I used the novelty scissors extensively in my design. I told you they were important. I also drew the cover using exclusively crayons. The cover illustration is complete with a picture of me puking into the sink. I did this to remind the recipient of the card of exactly what happened to her sink.
The most important part about your card is that it has to look like a 10 year old made it. Why? Because that’s the way arts and crafts projects are supposed to be.
I went pretty wild with my card. All in all, between drafts and the final product, I spent between eight and ten hours on it. I suggest you do the same. You should follow my outline, because my card was pretty much a big hit.
So what did I learn from this situation? Well, most importantly, I learned that arts and crafts projects are really fun. I also learned that a homemade card can get you out of just about any trouble you find yourself in. I probably should have also learned that I shouldn’t drink so much, but drinking is so fucking fun and cool stuff always happens when I drink, so I am going to continue drinking heavily. Fuck, I’m drunk right now.