On my way home tonight, I came to the conclusion that my weekend pretty much sucked balls. I was way too busy mourning the loss of my beerbong to even attempt to have a good time and/or get drunk. I did, however, manage to have an interesting night last night filled with many interesting characters and occurrences. For your convenience, I have described some of these interesting events below.

Interesting Event #1: CHP Sobriety Checkpoint

I was out at a bar last night, and, around last call time, gossip about a CHP sobriety checkpoint down the street started spreading. I love seeing the CHP all up on the surface streets. It’s exactly what our taxes are supposed to do: put the California HIGHWAY Patrol on surface streets doing sobriety check points.

I’ve gotten two speeding tickets. Both were from California Highway Patrol officers. Both were on motherfucking SURFACE STREETS. Why is it that I always see CHP officers giving out bullshit tickets on surface streets? It seems like the highway is a much more dangerous place considering that it allows for much greater speeds. Perhaps a sobriety checkpoint on the highway would be a better allocation of California Highway Patrol manpower. Call me crazy.

So everyone is freaking out in the bar, and I’m not driving so I’m all good regardless, but I started thinking about the setup that the CHP had worked out for the checkpoint, and realized how easily avoidable it was. Granted, the checkpoint was going down on a major street, but in order to avoid it, all one had to do was take another major street directly parallel to it for a couple blocks. Of course, I don’t advocate drunk driving, but here’s how I would have avoided the checkpoint if I were a drunk driver:

See? No need to freak out! Problem solved.

Interesting Event #2: My Shirt

My plans were pretty last minute, and I was running low on clean clothes. Resultantly, I had to wear my last clean shirt. It was a cowboy shirt that makes me look pretty gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Once I arrived at the bar, my new best friend, Hollywood Park Mark, complimented the shirt. I thought he was going to segway into some homosexual banter, but I got the vibe like he was really serious about it… or at least he is a really good liar.

I was chatting with a fly honey at the bar, and she, also, complimented my shirt. I’ve always thought that the shirt I was wearing sucked (I would post a picture if I hadn’t spent an hour in Photoshop making that diagram above), and I was really unsure as to whether people were genuinely complimenting my shirt or if everyone was just being really sarcastic. I mean, I’ve worn much nicer shirts out before, but I’ve never received the same amount of compliments.

But it gets stranger. I went to a condo in Santa Monica after the bar for a little afterparty action (see below) and got yet another compliment from the super hot chick that lived there. I was really confused, though, because she was like ‘Nice shirt,’ but I couldn’t tell if that was supposed to mean ‘Nice shirt,’ or just ‘Nice shirt.’ See the difference?

All I know is that I am wearing that shirt again.

Interesting Event #3: The ‘Fake Jacuzzi’ Trick

As if the ambiguous shirt compliment from the hottie in the condo was not strange enough, after getting a brew at this afterparty and sitting down on the couch to listen to techno music, the residents of the condo emerged from the room and said they were going to go prepare the jacuzzi. We never saw them again.

I really have no clue what happened. All I know is that I was sitting in the living room with the rest of the crowd talking about all of the antics I was planning for the jacuzzi. We were even negotiating nudity offers. Then we realized that we had not heard a status update regarding the jacuzzi. Then we realized that we did not see a jacuzzi and could not figure out where a jacuzzi would fit.

Again, I have no clue what happened. Maybe the residents of the condo were upset that there were a bunch of people at their place drinking heavily. Maybe the residents of the condo decided that they wanted to have hot sex in one of the bedrooms. The bottom line is that they sounded pretty serious about the jacuzzi thing, so it became the focal point of the night, and then they disappeared. I hope nothing bad happened to them because they had a pretty sweet place and one chick was super hot. Also, she liked my shirt, and I am going to be wearing it next weekend so maybe we can fuck.

Interesting Event #4: Homeless Guy In A Puma Sweatsuit

All I’m going to say is don’t ask me for spare change if you are looking really comfortable in a brand new velour Puma sweatsuit. I never even have any spare change on me, but if you ask me for spare change while wearing a full velour sweatsuit, I will pretend that I have pockets full of change and am simply unwilling to give it to you.

I attempted to make up for the shitty weekend by rolling out to a really sweet pool party this afternoon, but it did not take away the pain of losing my beerbong. There were, however, plenty of hot bitches, so thank you to a special someone for the hookup on that savage recurring bash that will be happening throughout the Hollywood Hills over summer.

The Fourth of July is here, which means that I can fix all of my problems with yet another round of heavy alcochol consumption and drug use which I am quite excited about. Hopefully I will have a sweet story for you.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 3rd, 2006 at 12:45 am and is filed under Crazy Party Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.