I’m not a violent person. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll be quick to tell you that Fat Dick is a lover and not a fighter. That being said, someone stole my beerbong on Friday night, and if I ever find out who it was, I will literally beat him to death.

I’ve always heard stories about people who, after losing an arm or leg, claim that they feel as though the limb is still intact. I thought that these stories were complete bullshit and just another way for amputees to make me feel sorry for them by providing yet another excuse to bring up their missing limbs. ‘Oh, hey Fat Dick. I went to move my arm, but then I realized that it wasn’t there! Silly me!’

However, after losing my beerbong, I know exactly what these fuckers are talking about. For the last twenty four hours, I have been staggering around my apartment with a beer in one hand prepared to pour it down the funnel of my beerbong in order to consume it in record time. Sometimes I am upstairs in my room and I think something along the lines of ‘Hey, a beerbong would really wet my whistle now! Let me go fetch my trusty beerbong!’ Then I head downstairs fully prepared to pick my beerbong up from where I left it. Unfortunately for me, some fucker decided to steal my beerbong on Friday night.

Although my beerbong was only given to me as a present a couple months ago, I had some really good times with it. It easily held two beers, and feeling the cool liquid rush down my throat from the beerbong’s beautiful tube was better than sex. I always thought that my beerbong would be there for me because sipping on a brew really isn’t where it’s at. With my beerbong, I could easily go through a twelve pack in a matter of minutes.

I don’t know if the feeling that I do, in fact, still have a beerbong will ever go away. On the one hand, I want to remember the beerbong for the many good times we had together. On the other, I want to move on with my life and continue my alcoholism. Only one thing is for sure in this situation: if you stole my beerbong, prepare for a long and painful death.

I want to beat the person who stole my beerbong with an object that doesn’t lend itself to beating someone with. I feel like the death would be much more painful that way. Perhaps, if the beerbong is still in good condition when I recover it, I will beat the thief with it. If not, I will most likely use a garden hose, a large piece of wood, and/or a matress. In the case of the matress, I would simply repeatedly throw the matress at the thief while he is tied to something. I would need help throwing the matress, so let me know if you are interested.

The theft of my beerbong continues the recent trend of my most prized possessions being either stolen or destroyed. Previously, it was an object in my room that fell victim to a gay wrestling match. Now it is a beerbong that was given to me as a present to commemorate an event. My beerbong was hands down the best gift I have ever received, which definitely means something coming from someone who returns 80-90% of the gifts that he receives.

This situation is quite curious because it was not the result of a burglary at my estate or a gigantic party with random people. Fuck, I wasn’t even drunk on Friday night, so I have no clue how my beerbong slipped through the cracks. I saw a fat chick holding it early in the night, so I am somewhat curious as to whether she ate it later in the night. We had a small get together at our place and a friend of a friend of a friend must have stolen it if that is not the case.

I’m pretty upset about this whole situation. Not only is it cutting into my beer consumption, but it’s like losing a child. Everyone who sees me knows that something’s wrong.

So I am pledging right now to track down the thief, murder him, and then take back my beerbong. And then drink heavily. I will use all evidence available at my place, make phone calls, and talk to the authorities if necessary. My only concern with getting the authorities involved by filing a police report is that this situation is ultimately going to end with me murdering someone, so I feel like it might not be a good idea to have them involved with the matter.

If you have any information about my beerbong, please let me know. I am prepared to give a reward for any tips leading to the recovery of my beerbong.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 2nd, 2006 at 10:32 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.