How To Cover Up A Bed Wetting Incident
June 18th, 2006
I need to stop drinking. I think that is what the moral of my latest drunken mishap. I don’t know if you were paying attention, but the last couple weeks have been pretty busy for me. Tons of new clients, new sites in development, and a shitload of ideas for new projects, along with the end of my school year had my days pretty full. Thus, once I finished up with school, I did a little drinking to celebrate. Of course, by a little drinking I mean heavy drinking and drug use.
I went into my office after I was officially done with finals, and I was thinking something like ‘Fuck it, I haven’t had anything to drink in like six days and I am so productive. Tonight I am not going to drink and work on projects instead.’ I was two beers deep within five minutes of entering my house.
After downing four more beers, I staggered over to a little barbeque to keep the buzz going. I forgot to mention that I had not had anything to eat thus far. At the barbeque, I had roughly six to nine Mojitos, my latest drink of choice, along with two or three more Coronas. I also think that I consumed roughly twelve to fifteen whole mint leaves because the chick who was making the Mojitos was mashing up the mint leaves to a pulp. I was at the barbeque for approximately two hours.
About an hour into the barbeque, things started getting a little blurry. I think I got into a few drunken arguments with other people, and I recall doing some math to determine whether paying for bottle service at a bar was worth it. I still claim that bottle service is always the economical choice for a large group.
But I digress. At about eight o’clock, I staggered back to my place and proceeded to pass out. My roommate claims that he was punching and slapping me in an attempt to wake me up so we could go out again but I was completely unresponsive. A lesser man would have called it a night at that point, but of course I grabbed myself two Coronas and staggered out the door after I regained consciousness.
The next stop was another friend’s place for some more beer. She was having a small get together, but all I remember about it was the presence of a fat chick with ‘I give blowjobs for coke’ written across her chest with lipstick. True story. I approached this chick to ask her if what she had written on her chest was true because I happened to have a large amount of blow on me. We went into some negotiations regarding exactly how much blow was necessary in order to receive a blowjob, but when she gave me a quote, I realized that I could easily get a blowjob from a skinny prostitute for far less than the street value of the amount of coke required to get a blowjob from the fat chick, so I decided it was probably not a good idea. I also got in a big fight with her about the quality of coke that she gets in Texas (where she was from) and the quality of coke that I get in Los Angeles. She was pretty dumb.
After roughly three Bud Lights at that location, I hobbled to a bar, where I consumed twelve shots with a friend in less than forty-five minutes. The last two shots were Patron, and everyone knows that Patron is my weak spot, so I was feeling just about done after shot number twelve. However, I was somehow able to rally once again and head out to yet another location.
I somehow found myself at a dive bar in Santa Monica when I woke up. It appeared as though I had passed out at our table. Apparently I had ordered a vodka tonic because there was one on the table in front of me. I asked one of my friends for a quick recap and ordered a round as soon as I spotted out waitress.
I kept making eye contact with another super hot waitress, and after a few more drinks, I made my way to the dancefloor where she approached me. I started spitting some game and she was very receptive, but hitting on cocktail waitresses is pretty difficult. Why? Cocktail waitresses will flirt with you a little bit so they can get an extra tip, but they don’t like having their time wasted. If you waste their time, they are losing money. If you mess with their money, their boyfriend is probably going to kick your ass. It was clear that she was not waiting for me to order, though, and after I mentioned my involvement in the porn industry, I was pretty sure that I was going to get laid.
We ended up leaving the bar together. She invited me out to a party somewhere in Santa Monica. Upon entry, we immediately started hitting the rails on the coffee table, once again violating my no blow after four in the morning rule that I have pretty much given up on. I also downed two bottles of champagne, and proceeded to go shot for shot of Patron with this chick. She was a champ, and we eventually called a truce after about eight shots.
I was extremely wasted by the time we left the party. I was roughly thirty drinks deep, which combined with the massive amount of blow we did to cause me to be out of my mind high and drunk. We came back to my place, and ended up passing out.
I awoke around nine in the morning soaked. I was completely clueless as to what I had done the night before or what liquid I was covered with. I quickly surveyed the area and noticed that the stain was pretty massive. It definitely wasn’t sweat. A taste test and smell test confirmed that the stain was, in fact, urine. I had wet the bed.
As I was evaluating the extent of the stain, I realized that there was someone sleeping next to me. Shit! I noticed that the stain ran down from my side of the bed and hit her. She was still fast asleep. I also noticed that the stain was highly visible on my white sheets, but not so visible on my dark comforter. I also noticed that there was a stray empty Corona bottle next to the bed.
Take notes of what I did in case this situation ever happens to you. First, I grabbed my whole comforter. It was hot in my room and this bitch did not need it. I then bunched the comforter up (it was still soaked in urine) and threw it on top of my sheets, where the stain was visible thus concealing most of the visible urine on my side of the bed. Next, I jumped on top of the comforter in order to ensure that it would not be moved to reveal the urine on my sheets. Finally, I grabbed the corona bottle and set it on the bed in between us.
The cocktail waitress from the night before woke up around 4pm. I found it extremely difficult to sleep on top of a comforter soaked in urine, but I had to stay in the bed in order to conceal the urine stain. She quickly said ‘Ew I’m soaked!’ I was quick to reply ‘Oh yeah, you were way drunk and you spilled a Corona all over the bed,’ while holding the empty Corona bottle. Evidence. She started apologizing rapidly, and I let her know it was no big deal. Problem was, I couldn’t move to walk her out because I had to continue concealing the urine stain so I pretended to fall back asleep mid-sentence.
That was a close one.
No joke, I actually used to be kind of turned on by the whole ‘watersports’ thing. Call me a freak. I have kind of moved on since those days, but every once in a while I throw my masturbatory lineup a curveball by adding some watersports porn. I figured that, because this story essentially involved me urinating on some lucky young lady, I would offer you some sweet, or should I say sour, watersports porn. At the very least it will help you visualize the situation in my bed after I urinated all over this poor chick.
There’s nothing quite like pissing all over the chick that just gave you a blowjob. In this gallery, the dude gets aroused by having a chick pee all over his hard dick, and then, after the chick blows him for a while, he pees all over her chest. Quite fascinating.
There’s also nothing quite like a novelty pissing gallery. In this gallery, you can check out a naked chick making some yellow snow. That has novelty written all over it. Scientifically, though, the cold weather causes your bladder to contract, which makes you feel like you have to pee, so I guess I don’t blame this chick for doing it in the open.
In this gallery, the dude gets right down to business. He doesn’t give a fuck. He’s just like ‘Lay back, bitch. I’m going to urinate on you.’ And that he does. I would say he is all about degrading ladies if he didn’t let his chick urinate all over his chest after he finished.
If you are looking for a gallery that depicts something more along the lines of what happened to me, you can check out this one. In this gallery, the chick gets covered with urine. Boobs, ass, chest. It’s all drenched by this guy. I kind of did that, only unknowingly.
Anytime you give two chicks who drank a lot of coffee in the morning a strap-on, some pretty crazy shit is about to go down. Take this gallery for example. Lesbian action, strap-on fucking, and plenty of urination. Good combination? Of course.
Seriously, though. If you’re all about watersports action, check out Salt Rain for a shitload of content. They literally have over seven thousand gigs of content in the members area. That is roughly a billion times more urine than I let loose on my bed.
I really need to stop drinking, though.