I have a really old uncle who always complains about how you can’t get anything decent for a buck anymore. Typically, at family gatherings and what not, dude gets completely hammered off of whiskey shots at the bar and then proceeds to sit me down and talk about how he used to fuck Thai hookers up the ass for seventy-five cents when he was in ‘the service.’ I believe him because sometimes he goes into detail about exactly what he used to do to the Thai hookers and there is no way that someone could just make up stories like that. I always feel really weird because I am kind of aroused by the stories he tells regarding Thai hookers, but at the same time I don’t really want to be because it’s my uncle and he’s really old and thinking about him plowing some foreign bitch is just really strange.

So dude’s point is always that the current state of affairs sucks because a buck doesn’t buy anything. Until a couple days ago, I never really had a good rebuttal for him. Not having a rebuttal was no good for me. But Fat Dick, what’s so bad about not being able to prove your old uncle wrong? Well, I’ll give you an example of why it sucked. I flew across the country for my cousin’s wedding a while ago planning on getting laid. I was hitting the open bar pretty heavily and I was sure that my fourth cousin (fair game) was eyeing me from across the reception hall, so naturally I was getting ready to go hit on her. Unfortunately for me, the uncle staggers over to my table and starts talking about how he double penetrated a Thai hooker with some dude who had no arms and legs. See what I’m talking about when I say he couldn’t just make up his stories? So I’m like ‘Hey, that’s all good, but I gotta go get my dick sucked.’ But then he started in on this long-winded rant about how a buck isn’t good for anything any more. I wanted to cut him off with some genius counterargument, but I could not think of one. Naturally the fourth cousin (fair game) ended up giving my second cousin (really gross) a blowjob in the bathroom and I ended up beating off to hotel porn that night.

But let’s face it. A buck doesn’t get much nowadays. This afternoon I bought a tasty soda for $1.35. Yesterday I got a handjob for $80. See where I’m going with this?

If you are a baller on a budget and/or hood-rich, you are going to have problems getting a membership to a porn site. So what are you left doing? Well, you get jerked around on the internet all day trying to find free porn, you eventually jizz, but there is a missing place in your heart where a massive store of hot interracial content should be. But who wants to throw down thirty bucks per month to beat off to a big black cock splitting a small white chick right down the middle? Well, I do, but I have a lot of money, so I am not really the target audience of this post.

A while ago, while doing the masturbatory circuit on the internet, I ran across an offer that will officially serve as my new counterarguement for my uncle’s rants, and will also help poor people gain access to members-only areas of pay porn sites. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. I found a sweet interracial porn site that will let you cop a membership for one dollar. That’s right: a porn membership for one dollar.

But what if you don’t have a dollar in your bank account? Shit, yo. You really must be a baller on a budget. Anyway, here are some creative ways to get a dollar so you can sign up for this sweet interracial porn website:

1. Look under your couch cushions.
2. Steal one from your roommate.
3. Ask your roommate to borrow one without the intention of paying him back.
4. Dress like a homeless person and ask people for spare change.
5. Dress like a homeless person and clearly disclose that you are in need of a buck so you can join an interracial porn site.
6. Rob a blind man and/or old woman.
7. Give a blowjob.

Anyone can do at least one of the above, so I’ll just assume that you have at least a dollar worth of disposable income (you are going to use it to join an interracial porn site). I know what you’re thinking now. You are probably wondering how shitty a porn site has to be to accept memberships for a buck. Well, dickfor, the interracial pornsite I found isn’t shitty at all and it has the domain name to prove it. Allow me to introduce you to Interracial.com.

Interracial.com has been a giant in the interracial porn world for quite some time now, and they are offering a special $1 trial membership for a limited time only. I feel like I really don’t have to plug this offer too much to make you interested, but I will say that I routinely masturbate to the videos on Interracial.com, and anyone who knows me knows that I am very fussy when it comes to my interracial porn. Need proof of how good the content is on Interracial.com? Here are some free galleries for you:

The only thing better than a Latina chick getting fucked by a huge black dude is a blindfolded Latina chick getting fucked by a huge black dude. That’s where Megan comes in. In this gallery, she wears a blindfold while getting boned. Oh yeah, and then the black dude jizzes all over the blindfold when he is done.

Call me crazy, but I like seeing black guys wearing grill pieces while fucking white chicks. That’s just something I like. If you like this too, you can check out plenty of big black guys with tattoos and grill pieces fucking small white chicks on Interracial.com. If you need a little taste, check out this gallery. Hot.

My favorite part of Interracial.com is that most of the chicks on it love anal. Talk about team players! These chicks take gigantic ten inch black dicks in their small assholes, but they somehow manage to enjoy it. Take Amber in this gallery for example. This white chick shoves a black guy’s dick in her ass and hops right on top. Amazing!

I’ll let Tiffany be the tie-breaker in your decision of whether to spend your whole dollar on a membership to Interracial.com. Check out this gallery. She is fucking hot, and she looks even hotter when she has a big black dick in her mouth. Interracial.com routinely pulls super hot bitches like Tiffany and impails them with big black dicks.

If you want more, take the tour at Interracial.com. Then sign up for a $1 membership. I know it’s going to be quite a monetary sacrifice for you, but I think with the proper budgetary adjustments you will still be able to eat dinner.

Basically, can you put a price on a good masturbatory session fueled by a solid interracial porn website? Well, I guess you can. It’s $1, and that’s pretty fucking cheap if you ask me. Check out Interracial.com right now.

So the next time I am trying to bone my fourth cousin (fair game) and my old uncle tries to cock block with his seventy-five cent Thai hooker stories, I am going to be quick to reply that he can beat off to a massive amount of interracial porn at Interracial.com for only a buck. That should shut his fat ass up.

(01:17:41) ****: have a nice weekend
(01:17:45) ****: be safe
(01:17:53) fat dick: what’s that supposed to mean?
(01:18:02) ****: im just saying have a safe weekend
(01:18:17) fat dick: your mom had a safe weekend

Above is an excerpt from a conversation that I had online with an old friend on Thursday night/Friday morning. Right now it’s about 7am on Sunday morning, and, thinking back on the last two days, I can’t seem to come up with any activities that I took part in which could be even remotely considered ’safe.’ Should I have taken her advice? Perhaps, but ’safe’ activities don’t generate blog posts.

Friday was kind of a bust. I went to Erotica LA for most of the day and looked at some naked chicks while trying to do business. I was wasted by about 4pm before I rolled into the convention, so interactions went pretty smoothly. My problem with Erotica LA is that it doesn’t quite know what it wants to be. Is it a convention for industry people who want to network and get ahead, or is it a convention for hornballs who want to pay thirty bucks to watch strippers compete and hopefully get in on an industry party afterwards. Your guess is as good as mine. I was trying to network and talk to a couple fairly large adult companies regarding upcoming projects, but our talks kept getting cut off by sleazy dudes wanting free porn DVDs.

I attempted to make up for my weaksauce afternoon by heading out to what was billed as an ‘industry party’ on Friday night. I am always a little hesitant about going to parties with pornstars connected to them in order to help promote, but I decided to head out to this party because I still had lingering business to do which had carried over from the convention and I really did not want to brave the convention floor on Saturday afternoon. I also wanted to go to an afterhours event at my friend’s house afterwards.

When I showed up, there were way too many dudes who were completely unconnected with the industry hanging outside of the tiny bar where this party was being held. It took me about half an hour to locate the VIP guestlist and then explain to the mildly retarted dude working it who I was and that I was, in fact, a big deal. Once inside, I had a few drinks, did some business, and was out. I was completely over the party because of all of the sleazy non-industry cheeseballs in shitty dress shirts trying to get laid by pornstars.

Naturally, I went back to my place and copped a twelve pack of Corona and some limes on the way. There was a small get together going on at my place and I decided to keep the buzz going by beginning yet another round of heavy drinking. Around three in the morning, I realized that I had killed the entire twelve pack, and decided to take a few beerbongs before having a lengthy argument with my roommate over the differences between an escort and a prostitute. I also got into a lengthy standoff with another roommate who challenged me to call in an escort to fuck in front of him. My condition was that he throw a hundred bucks into the mix. He did not, thus no escort. I passed out around five in the morning.

Saturday afternoon was about as exciting as seeing titties at Erotica LA. I had a lot of work to do for clients, and I also worked on a couple new sites I am about to unveil. I’ll put it this way: before the end of the summer, you are only going to be masturbating to Fat Dick internet real estate. There will be no need to go anywhere else.

After a long day of work, I went out to Zanzibar with friends. I have always heard that Zanzibar was a happening spot on Saturday nights, but the crowd would beg to differ. I have never encountered a higher concentration of fat chicks at any establishment in Los Angeles. You name you race: Black, Asian, Hispanic, White. There are fat chicks for you at Zanzibar. Tons of them. And you better believe they are drunk as hell looking for someone to fuck. Oh yeah, the service is quite slow at Zanzibar and they attempt to block off areas of the club for use as VIP areas but no one buys bottle service because they are too busy hitting on fat chicks.

I basically drank my crew under the table at Zanzibar starting with three rounds of Jager Bombs. An unnamed member of the group ended up puking outside and then several more times out the window of the cab on the way home after I closed my hefty Zanzibar tab. But the night wasn’t over for me.

Our group split because I wasn’t drunk enough, and another chick who was with us was singing the same song. We went to another bar where I proceeded to listen to really bad live hip hop while demonstrating how much more I could drink than my female companion. We hit Red Bull and Vodkas like it was our job, and she had difficulties walking out of the bar. My work was done.

The problems started once I finally got this chick back to her place. Immediately upon entering her apartment, she got sick and spent about forty-five minutes in her bathroom while I watched Animal Planet in the living room and played with her cat. Animal Planet had a pretty interesting show about Mountain Sheep on, so I didn’t mind.

After she emerged from the bathroom, I decided to be the good friend and supervise her slumber to make sure that she didn’t die. The last thing I need is another murder accusation at this point in my life.

I tried to pass out on her couch, but Mountain Sheep were running around in my head, and I was craving my own bed. Also, I realized that I was completely sober, and the eighteen pack of Heineken in my refrigerator was calling me, so I bounced out of the apartment and started the walk back to my place.

On the way, I saw a creepy dude drinking a Corona (without lime) and smoking a cigarette on the street. When I passed he was like ‘Hey what’s up,’ so I thought he wanted to get in my pants because I looked really hot. I was like ‘Not too much.’ Then he was like ‘Yeah, man. I’m coked out.’ Hearing this made me stop in my tracks. I looked at my cellphone which read 4:23am, but I decided that I was completely over my no blow after four o’clock rule. Naturally, I inquired as to exactly what he had going on at his place and if he cared to combine supplies to keep the party going. We worked the deal out pretty quickly, and, after he finished his cigarette, we took the elevator up to his place. I had no clue who this guy was, and he kept telling me there were ladies at his place, but I was pretty sure that he was just going to rape me by himself or murder me in the elevator.

Lucky for me, I wasn’t raped or murdered, but I encountered a room full of people who looked like they were about to die. Drugs were being used left and right, and when I say drugs, I mean all types of drugs. Some drugs were being used that I had never even seen being used before. There were a couple hotties in the place, but they were so trashed that I was actually worried about their health. This dude had a massive store of blow and it was clear that no one in the place was going to sleep before it was out.

I started hitting the rails really heavily with these strangers on the glass coffee table of an apartment I had never been to. People were pretty nice when I could understand what they were saying, but the atmosphere was getting more and more strange as I stayed, and when I saw the sun a little bit before six, I thanked everyone for their hospitality and bounced out. I think I told some pretty sweet stories while at that apartment, but I’m never really sure what comes out of my mouth when I hit the rails that heavily. Also, I think one chick was trying to have sex with me because she kept saying ‘Coke makes me so horny!’ and grabbing my leg, but she was so messed up that she couldn’t really move her whole body over to me to do anything about it.

I guess that brings us to right now. I am pretty sure that I once again came extremely close to death due to the heavy drinking and drug use that went on this weekend, but maybe I will take the old friend’s advice and have a safe weekend next weekend. Maybe the weekend after. Fuck it, I don’t think I am going to have a safe weekend anytime soon, so maybe I should just concentrate on having safe weekdays. After all, the weekend is really only about twenty-nine percent of the week, so it would be much more effective to concentrate on having a safe Monday through Friday. Statistically, I would be much more likely to stay alive that way.

I need to stop drinking. I think that is what the moral of my latest drunken mishap. I don’t know if you were paying attention, but the last couple weeks have been pretty busy for me. Tons of new clients, new sites in development, and a shitload of ideas for new projects, along with the end of my school year had my days pretty full. Thus, once I finished up with school, I did a little drinking to celebrate. Of course, by a little drinking I mean heavy drinking and drug use.

I went into my office after I was officially done with finals, and I was thinking something like ‘Fuck it, I haven’t had anything to drink in like six days and I am so productive. Tonight I am not going to drink and work on projects instead.’ I was two beers deep within five minutes of entering my house.

After downing four more beers, I staggered over to a little barbeque to keep the buzz going. I forgot to mention that I had not had anything to eat thus far. At the barbeque, I had roughly six to nine Mojitos, my latest drink of choice, along with two or three more Coronas. I also think that I consumed roughly twelve to fifteen whole mint leaves because the chick who was making the Mojitos was mashing up the mint leaves to a pulp. I was at the barbeque for approximately two hours.

About an hour into the barbeque, things started getting a little blurry. I think I got into a few drunken arguments with other people, and I recall doing some math to determine whether paying for bottle service at a bar was worth it. I still claim that bottle service is always the economical choice for a large group.

But I digress.  At about eight o’clock, I staggered back to my place and proceeded to pass out. My roommate claims that he was punching and slapping me in an attempt to wake me up so we could go out again but I was completely unresponsive. A lesser man would have called it a night at that point, but of course I grabbed myself two Coronas and staggered out the door after I regained consciousness.

The next stop was another friend’s place for some more beer. She was having a small get together, but all I remember about it was the presence of a fat chick with ‘I give blowjobs for coke’ written across her chest with lipstick. True story. I approached this chick to ask her if what she had written on her chest was true because I happened to have a large amount of blow on me. We went into some negotiations regarding exactly how much blow was necessary in order to receive a blowjob, but when she gave me a quote, I realized that I could easily get a blowjob from a skinny prostitute for far less than the street value of the amount of coke required to get a blowjob from the fat chick, so I decided it was probably not a good idea. I also got in a big fight with her about the quality of coke that she gets in Texas (where she was from) and the quality of coke that I get in Los Angeles. She was pretty dumb.

After roughly three Bud Lights at that location, I hobbled to a bar, where I consumed twelve shots with a friend in less than forty-five minutes. The last two shots were Patron, and everyone knows that Patron is my weak spot, so I was feeling just about done after shot number twelve. However, I was somehow able to rally once again and head out to yet another location.

I somehow found myself at a dive bar in Santa Monica when I woke up. It appeared as though I had passed out at our table. Apparently I had ordered a vodka tonic because there was one on the table in front of me. I asked one of my friends for a quick recap and ordered a round as soon as I spotted out waitress.

I kept making eye contact with another super hot waitress, and after a few more drinks, I made my way to the dancefloor where she approached me. I started spitting some game and she was very receptive, but hitting on cocktail waitresses is pretty difficult. Why? Cocktail waitresses will flirt with you a little bit so they can get an extra tip, but they don’t like having their time wasted. If you waste their time, they are losing money. If you mess with their money, their boyfriend is probably going to kick your ass. It was clear that she was not waiting for me to order, though, and after I mentioned my involvement in the porn industry, I was pretty sure that I was going to get laid.

We ended up leaving the bar together. She invited me out to a party somewhere in Santa Monica. Upon entry, we immediately started hitting the rails on the coffee table, once again violating my no blow after four in the morning rule that I have pretty much given up on. I also downed two bottles of champagne, and proceeded to go shot for shot of Patron with this chick. She was a champ, and we eventually called a truce after about eight shots.

I was extremely wasted by the time we left the party. I was roughly thirty drinks deep, which combined with the massive amount of blow we did to cause me to be out of my mind high and drunk. We came back to my place, and ended up passing out.

I awoke around nine in the morning soaked. I was completely clueless as to what I had done the night before or what liquid I was covered with. I quickly surveyed the area and noticed that the stain was pretty massive. It definitely wasn’t sweat. A taste test and smell test confirmed that the stain was, in fact, urine. I had wet the bed.

As I was evaluating the extent of the stain, I realized that there was someone sleeping next to me. Shit! I noticed that the stain ran down from my side of the bed and hit her. She was still fast asleep. I also noticed that the stain was highly visible on my white sheets, but not so visible on my dark comforter. I also noticed that there was a stray empty Corona bottle next to the bed.

Take notes of what I did in case this situation ever happens to you. First, I grabbed my whole comforter. It was hot in my room and this bitch did not need it. I then bunched the comforter up (it was still soaked in urine) and threw it on top of my sheets, where the stain was visible thus concealing most of the visible urine on my side of the bed. Next, I jumped on top of the comforter in order to ensure that it would not be moved to reveal the urine on my sheets. Finally, I grabbed the corona bottle and set it on the bed in between us.

The cocktail waitress from the night before woke up around 4pm. I found it extremely difficult to sleep on top of a comforter soaked in urine, but I had to stay in the bed in order to conceal the urine stain. She quickly said ‘Ew I’m soaked!’ I was quick to reply ‘Oh yeah, you were way drunk and you spilled a Corona all over the bed,’ while holding the empty Corona bottle. Evidence. She started apologizing rapidly, and I let her know it was no big deal. Problem was, I couldn’t move to walk her out because I had to continue concealing the urine stain so I pretended to fall back asleep mid-sentence.

That was a close one.

No joke, I actually used to be kind of turned on by the whole ‘watersports’ thing. Call me a freak. I have kind of moved on since those days, but every once in a while I throw my masturbatory lineup a curveball by adding some watersports porn. I figured that, because this story essentially involved me urinating on some lucky young lady, I would offer you some sweet, or should I say sour, watersports porn. At the very least it will help you visualize the situation in my bed after I urinated all over this poor chick.

There’s nothing quite like pissing all over the chick that just gave you a blowjob. In this gallery, the dude gets aroused by having a chick pee all over his hard dick, and then, after the chick blows him for a while, he pees all over her chest. Quite fascinating.

There’s also nothing quite like a novelty pissing gallery. In this gallery, you can check out a naked chick making some yellow snow. That has novelty written all over it. Scientifically, though, the cold weather causes your bladder to contract, which makes you feel like you have to pee, so I guess I don’t blame this chick for doing it in the open.

In this gallery, the dude gets right down to business. He doesn’t give a fuck. He’s just like ‘Lay back, bitch. I’m going to urinate on you.’ And that he does. I would say he is all about degrading ladies if he didn’t let his chick urinate all over his chest after he finished.

If you are looking for a gallery that depicts something more along the lines of what happened to me, you can check out this one. In this gallery, the chick gets covered with urine. Boobs, ass, chest. It’s all drenched by this guy. I kind of did that, only unknowingly.

Anytime you give two chicks who drank a lot of coffee in the morning a strap-on, some pretty crazy shit is about to go down. Take this gallery for example. Lesbian action, strap-on fucking, and plenty of urination. Good combination? Of course.

Seriously, though. If you’re all about watersports action, check out Salt Rain for a shitload of content. They literally have over seven thousand gigs of content in the members area. That is roughly a billion times more urine than I let loose on my bed.

I really need to stop drinking, though.

So it’s been way too long since my last blog post. Why? Well, aside from being consistently wasted for the last two weeks or so, my school year is coming to an end which means that I have to actually get down with school work, and resultingly, go to the library to study for finals. Since I rarely go to class, everytime I holler at the library for a cram session, I notice that I am in ‘oh fuck let’s try not to fail this final’ mode while all of the smart people around me who have been staying on top of their school work are just kicking back and leisurely studying. Oh yeah, and I always feel like I am in some Asian country whenever I enter the library.

Disclaimer: Your boy Fat Dick is about to make some sweeping generalizations about Asians.

Asians love studying. When I look up from my books at the library and stare at the Asian bitch across from me, I can tell she is absoutely loving her reading. They love anything involving numbers, memorization, or writing shit. Fuck, they love doing anything that they will eventually be graded on. Too bad grades are not issued for fucking.

The problem is, Asian bitches are not so good in the bedroom. I know a porn producer who found a really hot Asian bitch and was all excited about seeing her fuck until he realized that she was about as exciting as a brick while getting plowed.

So obviously, when I look around the library to check out the Asian bitches rather than actually studying, I wonder what it would be like to have sex with them. Probably pretty unexciting. That’s why I prefer getting my Asian fix through internet porn. That way, I can decompress after a long study session by throwing a beat to hot Asian action online rather than putting in the time to bone Asian bitches from the library.

Finding hot Asian porn is like finding a time at which there are more than five white dudes in the library… it’s very difficult. Lucky for you, I am pretty deep in the internet porn scene, and I have done all of the work for you. When it comes to hot Asian porn, I masturbate almost exclusively to a site called My Asian Massage. The site is pretty sweet, and it’s packed with a shitload of high-quality images and video clips. I just masturbated to it like ten minutes ago, and it was pretty sweet.

Oh yeah, and I hate Asian porn containing Asian dudes. Don’t get me wrong. Asian guys are pretty cool, but the bottom line is that they have really small penises, and, as a rule of thumb, I don’t really like masturbating to porn containing dudes with penises less than ten inches.

So if you are studying for finals and want to see what it would be like to fuck all of the Asian chicks around you currently doing much better in their classes than you, allow me to throw some free porn your way. You can even masturbate to this stuff if you are out of school and just enjoy seeing Asian chicks get pounded. In any event, make sure to check out My Asian Massage if you like these galleries.

I really like Cris Taliana, and this free gallery shows why. This Asian slut is more hungry for dick than she is for rice. You can see it in her eyes after she downs her Sake and starts sucking this dude off. There is something really hot about seeing an innocent Asian slut with pigtails ride a cock. Call me a perv.

Sapphire is pretty much the exact type of slut I would expect to hook up with if I ever take the sex tour of Thailand that I have been planning for years. She is a dirty Asian whore, but that is a beautiful thing. In this free gallery, she rides a cock like it’s her job (wait, it is), and then takes a massive cumload on her face. That move is benchmark Asian prostitute.

With a name like Sunshine, you would expect some earthy bitch with hippie parents, but Sunshine on My Asian Massage is an Asian whore who loves giving her clients a long sensual massage before she starts fucking. This gallery shows her in her natural habitat: getting fucked hard by some dude on a business trip staying in a cheap hotel. All I’m going to say is that this is the exact reason that everyone says to pull down the comforter before you sit on the bed.

I like Michelle’s style. Yes, she visits her client’s room to give him a massage, but once he rolls over, she realizes that she absoutely loves giving blowjobs, so she says ‘Fuck the massage’ and shoves the dude’s cock in her mouth. You can see this played out in this free gallery. She appears to be quite good at deepthroating, and this gallery has tons of close-up penetration shots of her petite Asian pussy getting pounded hard.

So back in the day, I really enjoyed giving a chick I was with facial cumshots. One day, I decided to take some pictures of her after I administered the facial. Upon reviewing the pictures, I was like ‘Fuck, why do I enjoy distributing this pain?’ She looked absoutely disgusted. The Asian slut Myra looks slightly more disgusted after she sucks a guy off in this free gallery.

The moral of the story is that Asian chicks aren’t very good at having sex, but sometimes they are fun to watch when you are in a festive mood. During finals time, I hit up My Asian Massage pretty heavily, and I suggest you do the same. Hopefully, these free galleries are enough to wet your appetite for seeing the Asian bitches sitting across from you get pounded, but if not, feel free to spit some game in the library. Asian bitches probably won’t respond, but if they do, don’t expect much if you ever get to fuck them.

This evening, I woke up in the passenger seat of a car going down Sunset Blvd. I had a huge drool spot on my right shoulder, and my girl Allison was driving. At first I thought I was drunk, but then I realized that I must have done some type of drug to be as incoherent as I was. I literally had no clue what had led up to being passed the fuck out in a car. Fuck, I had no clue what I had done for the past few days. The last memory that came to mind was my Memorial Day experience. Of course we hollered at Baja Fresh on the way back to my place, and by the time I was done not eating the nachos that I ordered, I had somehow reconstructed the last twenty-four hours (I concluded that the two days before that were boring). I will describe my thought process below, thus giving you the rundown of the madness that led up to regaining consciousness in the car.

First, I was not exaggerating when I said I had no clue what had happened. I literally didn’t know what day of the week it was, where I was, or what I had been doing all day. I consulted Allison for some answers, and I learned that I had been at an industry party in the afternoon.

That’s right, it was an industry party. A pre-party for a larger party at night that I obviously was not going to make it to. With this ammunition, I retraced my steps.

When did I leave? I was pretty unclear about that. The clock in the car said 7:15, so I must have left about half an hour before that, but how did I leave? My guess is staggering. How was I so fucked up? Oh yeah! The party was fucking awesome and they had a full bar. What was I drinking? Fuck! It was the Jager Bombs! Wait, no. Jager Bombs would not have made me pass out so early in the evening. Tequila? Perhaps. I remembered drinking something called an ‘Adios Motherfucker,’ which came recommended by the bartender. But it must have been something else. Was it the blow? I had most likely been doing some but I can usually hold my own. Ahh, then I remembered that it was the GHB-infused shots the bartenders were mixing up. Fuck, why did those seem like a good idea at the time, and why was everyone so excited about them?

Once I had the substance situation figured out (and the reason for being passed the fuck out and disoriented), it was only a matter of determining what the fuck had happened at the party. A lesser man would have just called someone or asked his coherent partner in crime, but I was in the mood to do things the hard way. I was trying to reconstruct the day’s events by retracing my steps.

I remembered that there was a pool and that the party was at a really huge house in the Hollywood Hills. I also remembered that the party contained all of the elements I consider necessary for a dope party: valet parking, full bar, catered food, pornstars, pornstars in the pool, and an ice luge. Was I swimming? I made the executive decision that I had not been swimming because I was not wet (other than the drool stain on my arm). Allison was quick to claim that I got a blowjob from a certain well-known pornstar in the pool but I have yet to confirm this story so I am going to go ahead and not brag about it quite yet. She also claimed that I made out with three older ladies and gave one oral favors in front of a crowd. I examined my pocket and noticed a bunch of business cards. Some were from females. Was Allison telling the truth, or was she lying like the time she said that she fucked Gary Coleman at an afterhours party?

One thing was for sure, the party was pretty fucking good, so I had probably had a pretty good time. I also probably did some business. With who? Probably the names on the business cards in my pocket. I will make some calls next week to put the pieces together. Some memories from the party came to mind. One was the food, which was really good. Another was going to the bathroom and feeling like I was going to puke, but then being really surprised when I did not. I also remembered being introduced to several people as ‘Fat Dick’ and having an extended conversation about real boobs vs. fake boobs with a friend who had just gotten her tits done.

But when did I arrive at the party? I did some quick calculations and determined that I had arrived between 1:30 and 2:00pm. Once I figured out when the madness at the party started, I was able to reconstruct the morning’s events. Wait, I woke up next to someone in the morning! Who was that and what had happened? I figured that all of this information had been clear to me when I actually woke up, but was somehow lost after the day’s events.

Ahh, and then I remembered who it was, what went on, and where it went on. But how did it start? I remembered returning to my place after last call and taking some beer bongs. Then I figured that I had probably done some drugs after that. What happened at the bar? Oh yeah, I started remembering something about heckling a really old guy, which was interesting because I thought he was going to kill me but I think he ended up wanting to have sex with me instead. I guess that is the effect that hot dance moves have on any situation.

I then tried to determine exactly how wasted I was upon leaving the bar. Jager Bombs at the bar came to mind. I recall buying several Jager Bombs, many of which were for people I did not know.

The pieces in the previous twenty-four hours were really coming together at this point. There was just one more thing to determine. How did the evening start? I recalled receiving the best gift ever (my new beer bong) from a friend and then breaking it in before heading out to the bars. I also recalled having a few Coronas and a couple Zimas before that. What a fucking night.

My head was pretty tired, but I had officially reconstructed the events that had occurred in a pretty crazy twenty-four hours. What a fucking afternoon, and what a fucking night before. That is true on so many levels.

So I am pretty worn out, and I truly wonder what this weekend holds for me.