First of all, for those of you who are not familiar with a favorite college activity called ‘Edward 40 Hands,’ let me break it down for you. Edward 40 Hands involves duct taping a forty of malt liquor (preferably Mickey’s or Old English) to each hand in order to experience the pain that Edward Scissorhands had to endure throughout his troubled life. We have all seen Edward Scissorhands, and we have all felt sorry for the guy who had difficulty doing just about anything because his hands were actually scissors. But have any of us actually walked a mile in his shoes? The beauty of Edward 40 Hands lies in the fact that a person with a forty duct taped to both of his hands really can’t do anything until he finishes both forties. Thus, Edward 40 Hands always leads to drunken activities and/or some chick pulling down your pants so you can pee.

In my experiences with Edward 40 Hands, I have never seen a round of Edward 40 Hands end with anything good. The first time I did Edward 40 hands with some friends, some chick puked all over me. It was really nasty chunky puke, too. Another time that I did Edward 40 Hands, someone got knocked out when he had a forty of Colt 45 thrown at his head. That’s dangerous stuff.

Even with a feeling that the night was going to end in disaster, I was pretty excited about doing Edward 40 Hands with the homies last night. Fuck, I could hardly contain myself while walking out of the liquor store with twelve forties.

Everyone in the posse got taped up and the drinking began. Obviously I was doing some sweet dance moves while downing my malt liquor. I am not going to name names, but a certain Asian guy was the first to finish; however, I don’t actually give him credit for finishing because he spilled like half of his second forty on the floor and made no attempt to lick it up. It’s really fucking easy to finish two forties when you spill the better portion of the second one on the floor like a little bitch.

After I finished, I urinated for approximately seven minutes and then helped my roommate pee after I gave him a blowjob. Just kidding! He didn’t have to pee.

We decided to go out to a bar, and that is when things took a nose dive. After about three steps inside the bar, I was approached by a large black bouncer who told me that my friend had to leave because she was extremely drunk. I hadn’t noticed until then, but she was all over the place. She was officially having problems standing up. I left her for a second to go mack on some hot ass chick, but when I returned, my friend was puking all over the floor of the bar. While watching her, I knew that the rest of the night (ie trying to get her drunk ass back to her place) was going to be quite fun. I took her to the bathroom, where I think she passed out for a while, and luckily ran into another chick who was a champ and went into the bathroom to do God’s work.

Finally, I got my friend out of the bar and called a cab. When the cab arrived, some fucker was quick to get in. I flipped him off and yelled something about killing him. I was serious. If I ever see that douchebag again, I will slit his throat. While watching my cab drive away, I noticed that my friend had gotten up and was running down the street at full speed. She took a few pretty nasty spills. Oh yeah, before she got up, she puked all over the street.

We eventually got another cab and got this chick back to her place where she proceeded to puke even more. I am no doctor, but I am having a hard time understanding how she was puking so much after only consuming eighty ounces of malt liquor. I definitely saw her puke at least one hundred twenty ounces of liquid.

When I finally returned to my place, I cracked open a bottle of Zima, my new beverage of choice, and was quick to learn that while my experience at the bar was a mess, what happened while I was gone was about as bad.

Most of the Edward 40 Hands group decided not to go to the bar with us, and you better believe some strange shit went down while I was gone. First, one of my roommates threw a forty in the air and was lucky enough to have it land directly in the back windshield of a car. Then, the dude who spilled most of his 40 earlier in the night decided it would be cool to have some kind of naked gay wrestling match on my bed with one of his friends who has a habit of saying he is going to have a party and then not actually having one. During this wrestling match, one of my belongings that actually has personal value was destroyed. Hey, cool guy.
After finishing my Zima, I cracked open a couple Coronas and proceeded to pass out. I think I may have wet the bed because I woke up soaked in some type of liquid. I gave this liquid the smell test but was unable to determine its origin. Perhaps it was jizz from the naked gay wrestling that took place on my bed.

You can pencil me in for another round of Edward 40 Hands, but you better believe I am not going to be expecting anything good to happen.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 29th, 2006 at 11:22 am and is filed under Crazy Party Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.