So you’ve had a girlfriend for a while now and you want to do her up the butt? Sounds like a good idea to me. The only thing that can bring a loving couple closer than anal sex is a threeway involving a large black man. Problem is, most dudes are complete pussies when it comes to anal sex, and, while they constantly think about plowing their significant others in the poop shoot, they rarely ever act on these thoughts. When they do manage to act, they always act in the wrong way and usually end up settling for the pussy, which, while moist and warm, ain’t no asshole.

If you want to fuck your girlfriend in the ass but don’t know how, Fat Dick has your back with an elaborate tutorial on this exact subject. What if you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, fucking a random bitch up the ass is about as easy as finding a transsexual who will have sex with you on Santa Monica Blvd on the late night tip. I’m actually fucking some random bitch up the ass right now as I write this. I have my laptop posted up on her back and she can’t get enough. Fucking your girlfriend up the ass is a complete other ballgame. Mind you, this is the bitch that tries to get you to take her ‘out on the town’ every other night. This is the bitch who constantly hates on you for wearing your favorite Hawaiian shirt. She isn’t about to try to gain your approval by letting you fuck her up the ass.

Disclaimer: Fat Dick Simon does not endorse having a significant other now, or at any time during your life, but if you have one already and want to fuck her up the ass, this tutorial is for you.

Ok, so I took care of the introduction, I took care of the disclaimer, and now I am about to drop some heavy duty knowledge on you. I am about to hold your hand and lead you through, step by step, on how to fuck your girlfriend up the ass. You’re welcome.

Step One: Realize that all ladies secretly love anal sex

That’s right. I don’t care what anyone says. All ladies love anal. Whether or not you believe me, you are going to have to make yourself believe that your girlfriend wants anal sex whether or not she comes out and explicitly says it. The problem with bitches is that they never say what they are actually thinking. You need to convince yourself that your girlfriend is secretly craving anal sex more than you could ever imagine, and by giving her anal sex you are doing her the biggest favor ever.

This scenario is like those crazy Christian people who do everything they can to convert you. When you pass on the street you’re like ‘Back the fuck off I did like a hundred unholy things last night,’ but in their heads they think that you secretly want to be ’saved’ and they will do anything to save you. Well, your girlfriend is begging to be ’saved.’ What’s the only thing that can save her? Your penis in her ass.

This scenario is also similar to that famous question that hippies always ask: ‘How can other people love you when you don’t love yourself?’ Aside from being complete bull shit, this question is highly applicable to the situation at hand. Unless you truly believe that all ladies love anal sex, you will never be able to convince your girlfriend to do it.

Step Two: Diagnose the situation

I wasn’t fucking around with step one. You need to be serious about this, but once you have decided that you are going to stop being a pussy and do your girlfriend in the butt, you need to test the waters. You need throw out some comment about anal sex to see how she reacts. This step is best completed in private so you can avoid the confusion about whether or not her response was partially due to her nervousness about what her friends would think. Say something like ‘Hey, I heard [insert mutual friend’s name] had anal sex.’ If you go with this comment, it is best to use a friend that you know much better than your girlfriend. One of your better friends whom your girlfriend has only met once or twice is preferable. That way, there is little to no possibility that your girlfriend will ever approach this person about their anal sex session. Also, this doesn’t actually have to be true. Great anal sex has its foundation in many lies.

Typically, after throwing out a comment like the one above, you will get one of four responses:

Response 1: ‘Ew! Exit not entrance!’

This is the most annoying and cliche response. Ideally, you should dump your girlfriend on the spot based purely on the fact that she threw out this line, but if you work at it, you will eventually be able to do her up the butt. Her crass response is meant to intimidate you and discourage you from further attempts to do her up the butt. You know better, though. This slut wants it.

Response 2: ‘Oh. Have you ever thought about doing that?’

This response is a very good sign. It means your girlfriend has already considered the possibility of anal sex. Her question is cleverly formulated, and she wants to see your reaction. You should play it cool and say something like ‘Oh, I guess so. I mean, rappers always talk about it in their songs.’ If you say that, you are on the right track. Your response is funny, non-threatening, AND it leaves an element of mystique. She’ll be thinking ‘Wow, I wonder if he really has thought about it or if he is just joking,’ and her

Response 3: ‘Oh my God! I was with a guy a while ago who insisted on that and it hurt!’

This is by far the worst response you can get. Your girlfriend is going to be a tough nut to crack, but, yes, she does still want anal sex, and she is craving for a guy who can give it to her the right way. You, my friend, are that guy.

Response 4: ‘I love anal!’

If you need any coaching on how to handle this response, you are a fuckface and I hope we never meet in person.

If you did not receive response 4, you are going to need to follow the next steps:

Step Three: Bring it up again

You need to get your girlfriend kind of curious about anal sex. If you repeatedly bring it up with offhand remarks, you will start the wheels turning in her head. Every once in a while, just throw out some comment about anal. Eventually she will be bringing it up, too, and once she starts bringing it up, you are almost good to go.

Step Four: Bring it up seriously

I like to also call this step ‘really testing the waters.’ When you and your girlfriend are getting hot and heavy (probably after you ditch all of your homies to take her out to dinner, you big pussy), you say ‘Let’s do anal.’ This approach is best done when she is somewhat drunk. You’re either going to get the green light or a gigantic red light, but don’t worry, you can handle either one. If she gives you a look that says ‘Fuck no!’ just play it off like you were joking. Start chuckling and be like ‘Oh, you think I’m serious? Come on, let’s have some vaginal intercourse!’ But while you are fucking her in the vagina, you need to be planning your next move. What’s your next move? Keep reading, fuckface.

Step Five: Come up with a humorous wager involving anal sex

No joke, this is how I got my first taste of the butthole. By the time you are on step 5, you and your girlfriend will be regularly bringing up anal action. You fuckers will probably have some inside jokes going on that no one else laughs at. But the bottom line is, you two are comfortable about talking about anal pleasures and she is becoming curious as hell as to exactly what it would feel like to have her ass plowed. She wants it, but you knew that, right (see step 1 above)?

So get into some playful argument over something that you know you are right about. Then do the whole ‘I’ll bet you’ move, but this time, instead of wagering a back rub, tell your girlfriend to put her money where her mouth is by putting her asshole on the line. This serves as more playful ass banter, and you would be surprised at the response you get back from your scheme to win your girlfriend’s asshole. She’ll give you a look back like ‘Ohh after all of this talk about anal pleasures I wouldn’t mind losing this bet anyway.’ You are on the right track, brother.

Step Six: Win the bet, but stop short of the butt

This is where the plan takes some discipline, but you have to trust me on this one. After you win your bet, you have to make sure that her butt is ready to go (ie. she is bent over and ready to receive your penis). Then you have to start in like you are about to put it in, but then stop short to continue the escapade that you have been joking about anal sex all along. This choice move further increases her curiosity, and don’t worry, you are going to capitalize on that curiosity later! Plus, butt sex requires some preparation.

Step Seven: Try out drunken anal sex

You have gone through the necessary preparation work. Your girlfriend wants it in her ass more than ever, and you are going to give it to her… right after you get her drunk. Go out to a party or a bar with all of your friends who hate your girlfriend (they all do regardless of what they say), get her drunk as hell, take her back to your place and start in on some hot vaginal sex. Vaginal sex? Yes, get started in the vagina.

Check to make sure she is still very drunk while you are pounding her vagina. If she isn’t then you fucked up. Go get some shots of tequila and force them down her throat. If she is drunk then prepare yourself for some anal action. Bitches get horny as hell when they are drunk, and nothing satisfies a bitch’s horny cravings like a big dick in her ass. Mumble something incoherent about anal and then try to put it in. You’ll probably fuck up because anal sex requires a lot of effort (see below), but what you are going for is an introduction to your girlfriend’s asshole. Don’t worry, you aren’t supposed to have a full anal sex run, you are going to do that in due time. The fact that your girlfriend is drunk basically gives you a free pass to do anything you want to her asshole. She won’t remember in the morning, and, if she does, just say something like ‘Oh shit, really? I don’t even remember that!’

Step Eight: Trip to the sex store

I hope you have enjoyed your two brief tastes of anal action because you are about to have the whole butt, brother. First, you need to go to a sex store and pick up a buttplug and plenty of lube. Seriously, you cannot skip this step. Do it.

Step Nine: Preheat the oven

This step marks the beginning of an actual anal sex session, and should occur roughly a week after the ‘fake’ anal sex session that occurred while your girlfriend was drunk in order to allow her curiosity to mount even more.

During the day leading up to this event you should say something in order to hint that you want to try anal sex for real. If your girlfriend’s response has changed (for the better) since the first time you mentioned anal sex (step two, dickfor), then she is all systems go.

Take out the buttplug and lube it up. Chicks love buttplugs, and they serve as an excellent way to ‘preheat the oven.’ Yes, fuckface, you have to warm up her asshole before you put your dick in it. If she refuses the buttplug, don’t freak out. You are still good to go, you may just have to use some lubed fingers to preheat. Most importantly, the buttplug serves as a humorous and non-threatening transition into the world of anal sex.

Step Ten: Commit to your penis entering her ass

The hardest part of anal sex isn’t convincing the bitch to do it… it’s getting your penis in the bitch’s asshole. Have you ever looked at a chick’s asshole upclose? It’s really fucking small! Your penis is big. A logical thinker would conclude that it would be impossible to put a penis in an asshole. A logical thinker would be wrong.

If you need further proof of this point, just watch Lex Steele shove his twelve inch black penis in a small Asian chick’s asshole.  That shit fits, trust me.

Cover your penis with lube. This is very very important. Also, put plenty of lube on, and in, your girlfriend’s asshole. Then, tell your girlfriend to relax. Then tell her to relax again.

This is where many dudes puss out and come up short. You have to commit that your penis is going up your girlfriend’s butt before the night is done. You are going to press it against your girlfriend’s ass and it is going to seem like it is not going to fit. Wait, strike that, you are not going to be able to find your girlfriend’s asshole, then you are going to find it and it is going to seem like your penis is not going to fit. Trust me, it will.

So decide that your penis is going to go in, and then make it happen. Once the first inch or so makes it in, the rest will slide in easily. The trick is that you really have to shove that first inch in. If you are a pussy and you don’t force it in, your girlfriend will never forgive you, and you will never get to experience that sweet ass of hers.

Step Eleven: Enjoy It

Once you’re in, you’re in, and your penis isn’t coming out of your girlfriend’s butt until you jizz inside. You shouldn’t be wearing a condom, which makes finishing inside that much more exciting. If your penis comes out while you are going at it, don’t worry about it! Your girlfriend’s asshole will have gotten used to having your penis inside of it, and that shit will slide right back in.

Experiment with different positions! I am a big fan of face-to-face, but a lot of purists stick to doggystyle. For my money, there’s nothing better than hearing the moans of passion and watching the expression on some chick’s face as you violate her most personal of areas.

After you do your girlfriend up the butt once, you can pretty much do her up the butt whenever you want. If she ever refuses, remember that can always threaten to break up with her if she does not give up her asshole again.

What’s great about doing your girlfriend in the butt, aside from the amazing pleasures that you will both experience, is that, after you break up, when you see her in social situations, you can give her the look like ‘Yeah, that’s right, I fucked you in the ass and you can never take that away from me.’

So there it is. How to do your girlfriend in the butt in eleven steps. The most important part of this whole process is committing yourself to it. If you don’t whole-heartedly believe that you can do your girlfriend up the butt, then you won’t. It’s as simple as that.

Feel free to post any questions and/or concerns as comments if you run into problems while trying to do your girlfriend up the butt.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 12th, 2006 at 10:46 am and is filed under Technical Writings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.