My Memorial Day was completely out of control. I woke up around 3pm and had a huge fucking headache from doing Edward 40 Hands the night before. I took six aspirin tablets, masturbated in the shower, and then worked on my websites for a little while. I had been planning on getting stoned and listening to reggae all day, but I smoked weed for the first time in probably six months on Saturday night, which reminded me of why I don’t smoke weed. Thus, I was kind of over the whole get stoned and listen to reggae gameplan and was content with having a productive day.

To my surprise, my phone rang with a call from a good friend. She was going to happy hour and was looking for Fat Dick to roll with her. Of course I threw on a shirt and ran out the door. I actually literally did run out of the door. Happy hour was two for one drink specials and your boy was planning on getting wasted.

When a guy named Messy Marv is driving and you are meeting a guy named Diamond Dave at the bar, you know some crazy shit is about to go down. I was about six Sol’s deep on an empty stomach by 6pm and already starting to feel a buzz. Why? Most people would probably say the empty stomach contributed to the buzz. I would disagree and say that Los Angeles’ dumbest bartender serving me had something to do with it. Seriously, I literally had Los Angeles’ dumbest bartender serving me. I would order a beer, actually two beers because they were two for one, and he would give me a really blank look.

Some pretty strange shit went down at the bar. First, we rolled to the jukebox with like three dollars and were somehow credited with like seventy plays. We were really overwhelmed by the task of choosing seventy songs, but we did our best. I don’t think that any of our songs played except for ‘Footloose’ by Kenny Loggins. My pick.

I overheard some dude talking about how he fucked a fat chick, so obviously I started heckling him pretty heavily. We somehow determined that this bitch was like a deuce and a half, but the guy was quick to assure me that ’she was a nice girl.’ Whatever, big guy. I started yelling about how the guy fucked a fatty, but I realized that the guy was getting pretty fucking upset. I thought he was going to throw a barstool at me or something and I started getting a little nervous, but the next thing I knew this guy was buying me shots. This fucker literally bought me like three shots. I was really confused.

Other activities at the bar included hitting on old chicks, hollering at some sorority bitches wearing cowboy hats (that style isn’t played out), having Messy Marv pull up my blog on his Blackberry, and doing some sweet dance moves that everyone was loving. Good times. Happy hour was over at 8pm, and you better believe we were out.

The next thing I knew, it was like 9pm and I was at someone’s apartment in Beverly Hills. I was pretty disoriented and still really drunk. I was about fifteen drinks deep at this point thanks to the shots of Patron I pounded before leaving the bar. I left the apartment and had no idea where the fuck I was, but I was really hungry. Staggering around on the streets of Beverly Hills, I finally reached a Whole Foods. I copped about $30 worth of random food products. How random are we talking? I bought six deviled eggs. Fucking deviled eggs. Who the fuck eats deviled eggs?

I wonder what I looked like being drunk as hell staggering down Fairfax Ave popping deviled eggs in my mouth with one hand while holding my Kettle Chips in my other hand. I probably looked pretty sexy. All I know is I ate a shitload of food but still had room in my stomach for booze, so I negotiated my way back to my place but copped a twelve pack of Red Stripe on the way.

I met back up with the friend I originally rolled out with and we cracked open the Red Stripes. They went down pretty easily, but I think I passed out a couple times while drinking my third one.

I got my second wind when I looked at the clock and realized that it was only 11pm, and we rolled out to a couple bars to pound some more beers. All I could think about was how completely wasted I was. It was only 11pm, but I was definitely at least eighteen beers deep.

Finally, I got back to my place and had a bunch of drunken Instant Messenger conversations. I checked out my conversation logs this afternoon for shits and giggles, and it was bad news last night.

So how did my Memorial Day Weekend end up? Well, between bar tabs, cab rides, forties, drugs, and meals, the weekend set me back about a grand. Was it worth it? Of course, silly! Any weekend beginning with someone trying to kill you and ending with a drunk shuffle around the streets of Beverly Hills is pretty fucking successful in my book.

First of all, for those of you who are not familiar with a favorite college activity called ‘Edward 40 Hands,’ let me break it down for you. Edward 40 Hands involves duct taping a forty of malt liquor (preferably Mickey’s or Old English) to each hand in order to experience the pain that Edward Scissorhands had to endure throughout his troubled life. We have all seen Edward Scissorhands, and we have all felt sorry for the guy who had difficulty doing just about anything because his hands were actually scissors. But have any of us actually walked a mile in his shoes? The beauty of Edward 40 Hands lies in the fact that a person with a forty duct taped to both of his hands really can’t do anything until he finishes both forties. Thus, Edward 40 Hands always leads to drunken activities and/or some chick pulling down your pants so you can pee.

In my experiences with Edward 40 Hands, I have never seen a round of Edward 40 Hands end with anything good. The first time I did Edward 40 hands with some friends, some chick puked all over me. It was really nasty chunky puke, too. Another time that I did Edward 40 Hands, someone got knocked out when he had a forty of Colt 45 thrown at his head. That’s dangerous stuff.

Even with a feeling that the night was going to end in disaster, I was pretty excited about doing Edward 40 Hands with the homies last night. Fuck, I could hardly contain myself while walking out of the liquor store with twelve forties.

Everyone in the posse got taped up and the drinking began. Obviously I was doing some sweet dance moves while downing my malt liquor. I am not going to name names, but a certain Asian guy was the first to finish; however, I don’t actually give him credit for finishing because he spilled like half of his second forty on the floor and made no attempt to lick it up. It’s really fucking easy to finish two forties when you spill the better portion of the second one on the floor like a little bitch.

After I finished, I urinated for approximately seven minutes and then helped my roommate pee after I gave him a blowjob. Just kidding! He didn’t have to pee.

We decided to go out to a bar, and that is when things took a nose dive. After about three steps inside the bar, I was approached by a large black bouncer who told me that my friend had to leave because she was extremely drunk. I hadn’t noticed until then, but she was all over the place. She was officially having problems standing up. I left her for a second to go mack on some hot ass chick, but when I returned, my friend was puking all over the floor of the bar. While watching her, I knew that the rest of the night (ie trying to get her drunk ass back to her place) was going to be quite fun. I took her to the bathroom, where I think she passed out for a while, and luckily ran into another chick who was a champ and went into the bathroom to do God’s work.

Finally, I got my friend out of the bar and called a cab. When the cab arrived, some fucker was quick to get in. I flipped him off and yelled something about killing him. I was serious. If I ever see that douchebag again, I will slit his throat. While watching my cab drive away, I noticed that my friend had gotten up and was running down the street at full speed. She took a few pretty nasty spills. Oh yeah, before she got up, she puked all over the street.

We eventually got another cab and got this chick back to her place where she proceeded to puke even more. I am no doctor, but I am having a hard time understanding how she was puking so much after only consuming eighty ounces of malt liquor. I definitely saw her puke at least one hundred twenty ounces of liquid.

When I finally returned to my place, I cracked open a bottle of Zima, my new beverage of choice, and was quick to learn that while my experience at the bar was a mess, what happened while I was gone was about as bad.

Most of the Edward 40 Hands group decided not to go to the bar with us, and you better believe some strange shit went down while I was gone. First, one of my roommates threw a forty in the air and was lucky enough to have it land directly in the back windshield of a car. Then, the dude who spilled most of his 40 earlier in the night decided it would be cool to have some kind of naked gay wrestling match on my bed with one of his friends who has a habit of saying he is going to have a party and then not actually having one. During this wrestling match, one of my belongings that actually has personal value was destroyed. Hey, cool guy.
After finishing my Zima, I cracked open a couple Coronas and proceeded to pass out. I think I may have wet the bed because I woke up soaked in some type of liquid. I gave this liquid the smell test but was unable to determine its origin. Perhaps it was jizz from the naked gay wrestling that took place on my bed.

You can pencil me in for another round of Edward 40 Hands, but you better believe I am not going to be expecting anything good to happen.

I don’t know about you, but I have the fever. What fever? Memorial Day Weekend fever. I am feeling quite festive after a little bump in the road on Friday night, and my Memorial Day Weekend is shaping up nicely. I’m all about themed blog postings, so I thought that I would shine a little light on a Memorial Day Weekend Staple: the trip to Las Vegas.

You know what I’m talking about. You and your buddies are bored a couple weeks before Memorial Day Weekend, and you decide that it would be a sweet idea to plan a savage trip to Las Vegas where you fuck multiple strippers and/or hookers, lose a lot of money on the blackjack tables, get drunk at a club you shouldn’t be allowed into, and hit on plenty of cocktail waitresses. We’ve all attempted this type of Las Vegas run. Perhaps you and your crew have up’ed the ante with several different types of drugs, bets on who can fuck the most chicks, or public urination dares.

The best part of the Las Vegas Memorial Day Weekend trip is when you return to your office on Monday and exaggerate all of your stories in order to make it seem as though you actually had a really sweet trip. For example, instead of ‘My buddy and I went to a club but we couldn’t get in so we got drunk at a dive bar and tried to fuck two chicks but they went to the bathroom and never came back,’ you may say something like ‘My buddy and I got bottle service at this club and had these really hot hookers all over us because we were spending a shitload of money and then we fucked like three of them in the ass but when it came time to pay they said we were free because our cocks are so big.’

Basically, we can all see through your lame exaggerations, and we all know that your Vegas trip sucked. Of course, Fat Dick has your back with a website that is seriously going to help you with damage control for your shitty Vegas trip.

The website I am referring to is called Whore Wagon, and its premise should be self-explanatory. All of the content on Whore Wagon is completely original and exclusive, and it is all shot by a dude who has a passion for fucking hot chicks in the back of limos in Vegas. Seriously, all this guy does is roll around in a limo, pick up chicks, fuck them, then drop them off. Of course the camera is rolling from pick up to drop off.

How does this website help with your shitty Vegas trip? Well, you can do one of two things with the content on Whore Wagon (besides beating off to it). First, you can use it to evaluate exactly how shitty your Vegas trip was. To do this, you can check out all of the high quality pics and videos on Whore Wagon and see if you did any of the hardcore sex activities in them. For example, if you went to Vegas, fucked one hooker in the pussy and then jizzed in the condom you were wearing, you could conclude that your trip to Vegas sucked a lot after you notice that a lot of the content on Whore Wagon involves a guy fucking a one chick in the ass while another chick licks his balls. Of course, there are always massive cumshots on Whore Wagon after the sex.

The other way to use Whore Wagon is as a valuable resource for planning your next trip to Vegas. If, after your lame Vegas trip, you decide that you want to stop being a huge pussy and actually want to plan a savage trip to Vegas, you can use Whore Wagon as a guide for your next attempt. There are plenty of travel agents out there, but I’m going to go ahead and bet that if you use them to book your next Vegas trip, the trip is going to suck and you are going to pay a lot of money. For the price of a membership to Whore Wagon (much less than a travel agent), you can live the dream and actually have a savage Vegas trip.

If you don’t know where to start in planning a savage trip to Vegas, of course I am going to help you out. For your convenience, I have noted several activites that are necessary for a savage Vegas trip and listed them below. You’re welcome.

Hang Out With Naked Hot Chicks On Expensive Cars

I don’t know who you think you are, but if you are not hanging out with hot chicks who are naked on expensive cars in Vegas you are a fucking loser. Not only are both hot naked chicks and expensive cars abundant in Vegas, but they also gravitate towards eachother. You can check out this gallery from Whore Wagon to see why hot chicks and expensive cars go well together.

Fucking Chicks With Really Bad Boobjobs

If you have gone to Vegas without fucking a chick who has massive scarring from a shitty boobjob, you have not gone to Vegas. If you have a successful trip to Vegas, it should be very difficult to leave without fucking at least one chick who has had a bad boobjob. What does a chick with a bad boobjob look like? Check this free gallery.

Watching Two Chicks You Just Fucked Fight Over Your Cum

This gallery proves that Vegas whores love cum. Sometimes a Vegas whore will be so thirsty for cum that she will get visibly upset when she spits your cum into another chick’s mouth and the other chick swallows instead of spitting it back. There is an unwritten code of conduct among Vegas whores that says the one to first receive the load of cum keeps it, regardless of how much cum-swapping went on.

Fucking A Whore With A Shitty Tattoo

Whores with shitty tattoos are abundant in Vegas. Problem is, they always charge way more money than they are worth. Imagine this… you go to buy a car, and the one that you want has been tagged by some neighborhood hooligans, but the dealer attempts to charge you full price AND a bag of coke for it. It’s the same thing with tattooed hookers: they always want full price and a bag of coke, but their tattoos always suck and decrease their value.

Cumming On A Whore’s Tits After You Fuck Her In The Ass

Vegas whores aren’t quick to let you do them in the ass, so the best way to accomplish this is to catch them by surprise. What I like to do is start out doing a whore doggystyle, and then just take my dick out and shove it in her ass when she is cumming. She will be distracted when she starts to cum and you can easily capitalize on that distraction to get yourself some anal action. Obviously you should cum on her tits afterwards. This gallery shows you this move in full.

Get An STD

The resolution on the pictures is huge. So huge, that I actually think I found a chick with genital warts in this gallery. Check out this picture. If you look closely, you will see some bumps that I believe to be genital warts. Slightly questionable, but if you return from Vegas without at least one STD, you are a huge pussy.

Obviously, I am only scratching the surface of activities that will make your trip to Vegas cool. You may want to look into other activities such as midget sex, contests to see who in your group can do the most drugs without dying, or public sex.

In any event, Whore Wagon has tons of content coming at you straight from Vegas. Cop yourself a membership and you will get tons of ideas for shit to do during your next weekend Vegas getaway.

So it’s about 10am, I just got back to my place from an insane night that I don’t completely remember, but I’m pretty sure that someone tried to kill me at a bar. I am relatively certain that this episode serves as warning that my Memorial Day weekend is not going to be pretty.

It all began around 10pm, when I started the night off with two 16oz cans of Sparks Plus alcoholic energy drink. Hardcore drug users always talk about chasing the high that they got the first time, and such is the case with my relationship with Sparks Plus. The only difference is that I still feel like I am on crack each and everytime I down a can of Sparks Plus. Fuck, actually every can of Sparks Plus that I drink makes me feel better than the last.

Following my second can of Sparks Plus, I rolled out to a party with the crew and cracked open a 40oz of Mickey’s. Such is my style at any given party because dudes always say things like ‘Yo, dude! I fucking love Mickey’s!’ It never gets old. I met some pretty cool lesbians, whom I gave my blog address to and had an extended conversation about the porn industry with, and then I proceeded to urinate in the sink. I guess you could say that things were going pretty well.

About three quarters of the way through my forty, things took an unexpected turn for the worse. I had been heckling a guy all night who was making out with some chick in the middle of the party, and his friend decided that it was necessary to tell me to shut the fuck up. Rather than cutting to the chase he gave me the ‘Hey, it’s cool that you’re here, but you need to just stop talking’ speech. I was like ‘Um, did I even say anything to you?’ Obviously, I had my strap, as well as a crew to back me up, so this fool had absoutely no idea what he was getting into. Fat Dick is a lover not a fighter, though, so I was just like ‘Yeah, whatever’ and he went elsewhere. Wait, actually, correction. I had to say ‘Yeah, whatever’ like four times and after saying ‘Yeah, whatever’ the fourth time I also added that I had just said ‘Yeah, whatever’ three times before that ‘Yeah, whatever.’ Then he was like ‘I know you just said yeah, whatever three times.’ So I was like ‘Cool, so why are you still here?’ What a guy.

After that douchebag got out of my face I resumed heckling his friend and downing my forty. I guess you could say things were looking good. I was macking the honeys and sipping some quality malt liquor. Unfortunately, the cops showed up at this time. Why? Everyone knows that telling Fat Dick to stop heckling people at a party will eventually lead to police intervention. It’s as simple as that.

So the cops come through and I down the rest of my forty so I can bounce. Actually I downed all of my forty minus a sip that I was planning on saving for my homies until my Asian roommate was like ‘You didn’t finish all of your forty.’ I proceeded to leave the party, but I noticed a text from a chick telling me to come out to a bar. I then split up with the homies and head down to the bar, but I was having volume issues with my stomach at this point of the night after the forty and two Sparks Plus sixteen ouncers, so I kept dry-heaving while walking to the bar. I think everyone who passed me was a little freaked out.

Once at the bar I immediately hit up a Red Bull and vodka because I needed a little pick me up from the malt liquor I had just consumed. I met up with the chick who had texted me and her friends and everything was looking good. Oh yeah, when I arrived at the bar, ‘Juicy’ by The Notorious B.I.G. was playing. Not only is that song about me, but it is also probably my favorite song ever. I took it as a sign that good things were about to happen.

The next thing I knew, I was on my back. Not on the floor of the bar because that would have been nasty, but I was on my back on a barstool and some fucker was strangling me. At first I thought it was some kind of a joke done by some dude who had not seen me in a while, but this fuckface actually had beef with Fat Dick. So I’m on my back and this guy is strangling me and all he keeps saying is ‘Yeah, just keep talking’ but I keep trying to say ‘What the fuck are you talking about,’ which is kind of difficult considering I am being strangled. Then he switches to repeating ‘Just keep being sarcastic. See what happens.’ I tried to point out the fact that I was a really big deal, but I could not get out a whole sentence because I was being strangled, so I think I just said ‘Big deal!’ I don’t think he liked this, so he started saying ‘It’s real fucking easy. See, it’s real fucking easy.’ I think he was talking about how it was really easy for him to come out of nowhere and strangle me, which isn’t that amazing, but then he like wanted me to promise to stop talking or some shit like that. I actually have no idea what he wanted me to acknowledge, but he kept soliciting some type of response from me. The flaw in his plan was that he was strangling me, so I couldn’t really be like ‘Sorry for talking, sir.’ Eventually, this fucker pulled me back up and ran away like a pussy. I was completely confused as to what had just happened.

Actually, I am still pretty confused. Granted, the booze I consumed after that altercation helped a little with my confusion, but what the fuck? I don’t think that I had said anything to that guy. I saw him run back to his friends and even they were like ‘Um what the fuck did you just do?’ Very, very questionable.

I snagged a few more drinks at the bar and was out. I was walking back up to my place with the chick who had texted me and it was about 2:30am, so obviously nothing was open to quench my thirst for further activity. Nothing was open… except for hookah bars!

Somehow I got the idea to roll through a hookah bar. This idea never results in anything good. Not only did I go to a hookah bar, I went to the VIP room of a hookah bar. Why? Fat Dick is a big fucking deal. He doesn’t have time to fuck with peasants.

So we roll up in the hookah bar, experience really shitty service, and dance our asses off with like fifty new Persian friends. I was getting pretty freaknasty, and this creepy Persian dude in the corner kept pointing at me and saying ‘That guy!’ That was pretty sweet. There were some Persian hotties up in that piece. Basically, the hookah bar was going off and your boy Fat Dick was tearing it up on the dancefloor.

Once we were over it, I went to get the bill, which was like fifty-five bucks. That was quite surprising considering that we only ordered a hookah and two waters. Actually, we didn’t order the water, but this hookah bar does this thing where they just bring you water and then charge you like five bucks for it after you drink it. I was a little curious about the fifty-five dollar tab, but I was really wasted, and I genuinely enjoyed the dancefloor, so I didn’t ask any questions. Instead, I kept pointing at my credit card and saying ‘Run that shit, big guy!’ to the waiter. He really liked me.

This hookah bar escipade took us to about 3:30am. We got back to my place at about 4. I was still pretty wasted and ready to get the party started, but I was significantly disappointed when I noticed that all of my roommates were asleep when I returned to the crib. Come on, now.

I don’t know if it was this sense of disappointment or the heavy drinking I had done earlier in the night, but something prompted me to begin a blow session at that time, which was a blatant violation the rule that I had recently made for myself called ‘No blow after 4am.’ I thought I was really smart in making this rule because I was sure that it would eliminate the all-night binges and embarrassing afterhours activities that had been plaguing my life, but I failed to take into account the fact that blow always sounds like a really good idea when I am with a chick and I am significantly wasted and it is very late at night and/or early in the morning.

After we were done, I walked back to this chick’s place with her, and I am pretty unclear about what happened after that. I think one of us ended up passing out mid-session and then I woke up about an hour ago.

It is pretty clear that this three day weekend is going to be filled with a lot of drunken activities and me further embarrassing my family. Probably at least one other douchebag will try to kill me, also. Next time, I am pulling out my strap for sure.

Since I am becoming a pretty big deal in the porn game, I get hated on a lot by women’s rights advocates and dudes who claim that they don’t enjoy watching an 18 year-old white chick get plowed by a twelve inch black cock. Just to spite these haters, I routinely seek out porn that pushes the envelope into a little place I like to call ‘Degrading Land.’ Degrading Land is basically the place I hope I am going when I die.

So what do I do when I find some sweet porn I know many people will describe as degrading? I do what any other rational human being would do: I beat off to it and then see if I feel bad after I am done. Actually, I see if I feel bad when I wake up from the obligatory nap that I take when I am done. Oh yeah, and then I usually leave it on my computer screen when I leave my place for the day.

I ran across some pretty sweet stuff the other day, and I was genuinely nervous about feeling bad after I was done beating off to it. Fortunately for me, the only outcome of that masturbatory experience was a new regular in my repertoire of favorite porn sites. Allow me to introduce you to this new regular. Her name is Look At Me Bitch. Yeah, that’s right. With a name like that, can you really go wrong? Of course not!

Aside from being what I said to your mom last night while she was giving me some bomb ass skull, Look At Me Bitch is a website that features some sweet facial cumshots, super hot blowjobs, and something else that sets it apart from other facial sites: all of the chicks on this site sport the words ‘Look At Me Bitch’ written in permanent marker on their foreheads while they get jizzed on.

I don’t really know what the reasoning is for writing ‘Look At Me Bitch’ in permanent marker on the foreheads of these sluts, but I like it. Maybe the dude who gets sucked off on this site likes to be looked at while getting a blowjob so he wanted to remind the chicks to make sure to look at him. If this was the case, I am having difficulties understanding how having anything written on one’s forehead would serve as an adequate reminder unless one was constantly looking in a mirror. Perhaps the guy getting domed up realized this but then realized that he liked getting domed up by chicks with shit written on their foreheads even more than he liked having chicks look him in the eyes while giving him head. In any event, the bottom line here is that I am definitely writing ‘Fat Dick Simon’ on the forehead of the next bitch who goes down on me. Possibly I will write it in bubble letters with multiple colors.

But I digress. I’m sure that you are pretty curious about my new favorite site and what it can offer you. Of course I have your back with some free porn straight from the source. If you are into facial cumshots and excellent blowjobs, then this site is for you. I’m going to hit you with some sweet pictures, but make sure to check out the site for their videos. Seeing a chick get jizzed on in a picture is one thing, but watching the cum hit her face in a video is a complete different ballgame. Also, all of their videos are high in quality so you don’t have to worry about shitty lighting and grainy footage.

So here’s some free porn from Look At Me Bitch. You can give it the ‘do I feel bad after masturbating to it’ test as I did. Leave me a comment as to the outcum. Oh my God, using ‘outcum’ instead of ‘outcome’ in that context was extremely funny.

You will want to check out Haley. She is pretty hot, and has a really innocent look that is a perfect contrast to the huge cumload that gets blasted on her face and the permanent marker on her forehead in this gallery. By the looks of this free porn gallery, she gives really good blowjobs, though. Maybe she is one of those ‘on the down low’ sluts.

Jackie is another one of my favorite chicks on Look At Me Bitch. I used to know a slut named Jackie back in the day who gave some bomb ass dome. This gallery serves as further evidence to support my theory that all chicks named Jackie love giving head and also like taking huge facial cum loads. You’ll love Jackie’s facial cumshot.

Speaking of names of chicks who give good head, you will definitely want to check out Raven’s free porn gallery. This chick is also another cutie like most of the chicks on Look At Me Bitch. I don’t know how they do it, but the dudes who run this site somehow find really cute chicks who are willing to get written on and jizzed on. Raven definitely gives excellent blowjobs.

I may not have pictures of her with writing on her face, but I do have videos of the hot blonde Tanya sucking a guy off to completion for you. I figured that would be alright. Tanya is pretty fucking hot, and by the look of these videos, she loves sucking cock. You can tell by the huge smile on her face while she receives warm blasts of cum out of this guy’s cock.

Want more videos? Don’t worry. This chick is listed on Look At Me Bitch as Smokey but there is no way that is her actual name. At least I am hoping she is not named Smokey. If she is, I hope her parents see this footage and realize what they did to her. She gives an excellent blowjob, though. Watch the videos and you will agree.

I could probably watch Yssel suck cock and get jizzed on all day. Actually, who the fuck am I fooling. I did that yesterday. Yes, that’s right. I just kept rewinding these videos of her giving an amazing blowjob and taking a huge cumshot in her face. These free porn videos are pretty sweet, but there is a lot more great footage of Yssel in the members area of Look At Me Bitch.

If you’re like me, and you were able to beat off to this free porn material without feeling bad at all, I would invite you to seriously consider a membership to Look At Me Bitch. Updated regularly, this site has all of the cute chicks you crave doing hardcore oral sex acts you never even knew were possible. Check it out now.

So the comments I have to moderate now are slowly shifting from incoherent SPAM to people yelling at me regarding not posting enough porn. I am sorry my carefully crafted party stories are not entertaining enough for you. To express my deepest apologies, allow me to point you in the direction of two brand new incredibly hot free porn galleries.Have I mentioned that I am an ass man? I think I did in a previous post where I also mentioned that Bubble Butt Bonanza is the best place to go to get your fix of ass man porn. Why? No fat chicks. A lot of other sites that claim to be repping the ass man are actually repping the man who likes fat chicks. Obviously if some bitch is like a deuce and a half, she is going to have a huge ass. It’s simple science.

It is pretty difficult to find hot, slender chicks with really nice bubble butts. It is even harder to find hot, slender chicks with nice bubble butts who love anal sex. Somehow, my boys over at Bubble Butt Bonanza manage to find all of the above weekly so they can update the site with brand new, fresh, exclusive content every week. And by content, of course I mean huge, high-resolution pictures and long, crystal-clear videos. You know Fat Dick hates masturbating to grainy porn.

If you caught my previous post where I held your hand through doing your girlfriend up the butt, then you have probably had anal recently unless you fucked something up. If you followed through, then you know how amazing anal is and you will no doubt be turned on by these galleries from Bubble Butt Bonanza. If you got off track, use these galleries as inspiration of exactly what you are missing out on.

I think I officially have a crush on Tiffany from Bubble Butt Bonanza. After you beat off to these hot free porn galleries, you will know why. She is my kind of woman. She’s hot, she has a nice ass, and she fucks like a champ. Oh yeah, and she loves anal sex.

Gallery 1: Tiffany Shows Off
In this gallery, Tiffany warms up for a round of anal. She was so horny before the porn shoot started that she had to get naked and show off her nice bubble butt for the camera. Looks pretty good to me, Tiffany. I am a big time sucker for bubble butts in hot pants. Bring that shit over here.

Gallery 2: Tiffany Gets Fucked Up the Ass
Wow, check this one out. Tiffany starts by shoving a few fingers in her ass and pussy at the same time to warm up both of the holes. Then she grabs this guy’s cock and hops on it. Watching her shaved pussy while she strokes it with a dick in her ass is pretty fucking hot.

If these galleries aren’t enough for you, check out Bubble Butt Bonanza for the videos from this shoot. Trust me, they are fucking amazing. You’ll love watching Tiffany take a juicy cumshot after this anal fuckfest. What an ass, and what an anal sex session.

Bubble Butt Bonanza never disappoints. Trust me on that.

I don’t know the exact demographics of Fat Dick Simon fans, but I’m willing to bet that most are creepy old dudes who come here for the free porn and stay for my detailed accounts of sexual experiences. If you are creepy and old, you are going to love this story because it is a detailed look into what happens at a sorority formal a.k.a. drunken madness that requires formal attire. I’ve heard about the mayhem that ensues at a sorority formal, but had never experienced it first hand until last night.

I should note (for the readers who do not personally know me) that I am not a creepy old dude who somehow landed an invite to a sorority formal. No, the age difference between my date and I was only one year AND she was over 18, so back the fuck off.

The night began at approximately 6:30PM, when I downed a bottle of champagne and mentally prepared for the night’s festivities. Obviously, the goal of everyone involved in a sorority formal is to get completely shitfaced before even arriving at the event. By the way, no one knows where the formal is going to be held. The deal is that you stagger onto buses and find out the location upon arrival.

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that Fat Dick is no racist. I have the worst case of jungle fever known to man. However, before boarding the buses to the formal, I was pretty sure that we were all about to be abducted, raped, and then killed by all of the large black men working security and driving the buses. They really could have done all of the above if they wanted to. Luckily, they just robbed all of us and raped like two of the hottest sorority girls. Just kidding! They were cool.

Even though everyone is clearly completely wasted before boarding the buses, no alcohol is allowed on the buses. Why? I have no fucking clue, but I really enjoyed getting frisked by the large black men working security several times in a row. I also enjoyed chugging two Stellas in the middle of a Chevron station to avoid having to throw away full bottles of beer. Fat Dick don’t play that game.

Obviously, my date packed two flasks for the road. What a champ.

After a half hour bus ride, we found ourselves way deep in the San Fernando Valley. How deep? Too deep for comfort. I urinated in the sink of the bathroom because the line was too long for the toilets, ordered some drinks, passed on most of dinner in order to stay drunk, and then danced for a few hours. As expected, everyone was completely wasted and it was quite an enjoyable night. Enjoyable AND thought-provoking as I reached many conclusions about life, in general, which, for your convenience, I have listed below.

The Valley is Fucking Scary

This formal took place in the valley, and I was pretty uncomfortable for the whole night. Why? The valley is no Los Angeles, and consists mainly of shady businesses, halfway houses, and rapists. Don’t believe me? I wouldn’t suggest taking a trip up there to see for yourself.

Good Thing About The Valley: Cheap Drinks

I only paid six bucks for a mixed drink. In Hollywood, I probably would have paid around fifteen. Imported beer was five. I recall paying twelve bucks for a Corona one time in Beverly Hills.

Bad Thing About The Valley: Inexperienced, Ugly Bartenders

I guess you get what you pay for. At least when I paid twelve bucks for that Corona I got to watch some hot bitch uncap it. And when I paid fifteen bucks for that sex on the beach (not for me) I got to watch another hot slut mix it up. In the valley, you have to watch some ugly fat dude measure out shots for your vodka tonic.

I Know Every Word to Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’

This was perhaps the most surprising realization of the night. I found myself on the dancefloor doing some sweet dance moves and yelling all of the words to this song. I was found out, straight up. It was cool, though. Everyone was so drunk they didn’t realize that I am actually extremely homosexual.

Sorority Chicks Become Remarkably Cool After Drinking Heavily

I’m not sure if this is because I become easily entertained after a few beers or if it is because sorority chicks do cooler stuff when they are drunk. Trying to figure this out led me to one of those ‘what came first the chicken or the egg’ conundrums. The bottom line is that I usually can’t stand being around most sorority chicks but I was actually enjoying my interactions with the sorority ladies I encountered throughout the night.

Roommates Are the Unsung Heroes of College Hook-Ups

Can we give cool roommates a fucking award or something? When most people think of college hook-ups they think of drunken frat parties and hot young bitches getting torn up by douchebag guys. When I think of college hook-ups I think of the major roadblock standing in the way of any successful college hook-up: the roommate. Upon arriving back at my place after the formal, I realized that my room was occupied, so I hit up my date’s place, but her room was also occupied. Then, out of nowhere, without being asked, my date’s beautiful, selfless, amazing roommate offered to vacate. What a team player.

Don’t get me wrong. Mother Teresa did a lot of cool shit. She helped out the poor and stuff, but did she ever offer up her room so a young couple could get down? I didn’t think so. Cool roommates are truly doing God’s work.

My Blog is a Really Fucking Big Deal

Starting this blog was probably my best idea ever. I am even more of a big deal now than I was before I started it. Gone are the days of repeating stories. Now all I do is post a story on my blog and tell people to read it. Usually I don’t even have to tell people to read it. A lot of people I don’t even really know make references to my blog postings. That is pretty sweet. Some people say I am funny. I don’t know if they are just trying to be nice, but I don’t really care. The blog kicks some serious ass.

So that is the rundown on my first ever sorority formal. I had a good time, and I wouldn’t be opposed to going to another one sometime soon, as long as it isn’t with the Jewish sorority. Not that I am an anti-Semite or anything, but I had an experience with one of their date parties earlier in the year that was about as fun as listening to the Matisyahu album all the way through.

I got drunk last night and decided what the fuck, I should make another site. I am pretty proud of this one because I did the complete site in under three hours while naked in my bed. No joke. Also, I was having internet problems, so I completed the entire site while on one of my neighbors’ unsecured wireless connections. I don’t know whose connection I was using, but if you live near me and have a unsecured wireless network called ‘linksys’ I owe you big time. This site is going to be a gold mine.

I was checking my stats last night for one of my sponsors, My Daughter’s Fucking a Black Dude, which happens to be one of my favorite sites as you should know from a previous post, and I noticed that this site has been converting like crazy from my blog traffic and my traffic from Interracial Cum Whores. It is great content, so obviously people are loving it. Accordingly, I am trying to push as much My Daughter’s Fucking a Black Dude content as I can.

So, after some brainstorming and a few more beers, my newest creation, Interracial Jump-Off, was created. Bookmark that shit. It is another hybrid blog/free site like Hot Gallery Post, but it is going to be very targeted toward the interracial niche so it should do a little better in terms of conversions. I am going to pump it full of My Daughter’s Fucking a Black Dude content over the next couple weeks, and then try to figure out what to do with all of my money.

So, basically the bottom line is that if you are into interracial action, your boy Fat Dick now has your back with two, yes two, sites that you can beat off to. If you are a TGP guy you can hit up Interracial Cum Whores, but if you like reading about exactly how hot I think every interracial sex session is, you can hit up Interracial Jump-Off for my color commentary along with the galleries. It’s up to you.

Watch out, though. When I threw the first gallery for Interracial Jump-Off on the internet, I had to take a quick beat-off break because it was so fucking hot. I don’t usually do that.

In case you were wondering, yes, the fact that I now have two interracial sites serves as further proof that I am a really big deal.

Maybe it is because of my homosexual tendencies.  Maybe it is because of E-40’s new album.  I don’t know what it is, but something has caused me to do a lot of business in San Francisco, or, as I like to call it, San FranDISCO, lately.  A couple weeks ago, I realized that I was doing business with a lot of people who I had not ever met, and I also realized that I had a lot of upcoming projects in need of financing, so I flew up to San Francisco last night for some meetings.  Want to know the details of the trip?  Don’t worry, I’ll describe what I remember in detail.

I began drinking at 12:30pm sharp.  I continued drinking heavily upon my arrival at LAX in order to prepare for the hour long flight to the city by the bay.  Actually, I was headed to Oakland because Southwest doesn’t fly into San Francisco Airport.  I violated my usual rule of arriving to LAX no more than fifteen minutes before my flight in order to do about two hours of drinking and nacho-eating at the bar.  The tab was about $120 because I think, but I’m not sure, that I bought several drinks for some hot older chick who was sitting next to me.  I am sure that I told everyone at the bar about this blog, so big ups.

I invited my good friend and business partner, Allison, along for the trip because I decided that it would be a much safer trip for me if someone was watching out to make sure that I didn’t pass out on the streets of San Francisco.  As I expected, Allison only served to enhance the amount of partying done due to her massive network of San Francisco connections.  When she arrived at the bar about half an hour before the flight, Allison described my behavior as ‘belligerent,’ and she was ‘very nervous’ about my ability to even be given the opportunity to board the plane by Southwest personnel.

Not only did I make it on the plane, but I also proceeded to down two vodka tonics and a beer throughout the course of the flight.  Sidenote: where the fuck else can you get a stiff mixed drink for four bucks?  Southwest booze is fucking amazing.  Plus, you don’t have to tip.  I tried to tip, but the flight attendant was like ‘you gave me too much money, sir.’

We landed in Oakland at about seven o’clock.  There was a car waiting for us, which we sat in for about an hour and a half during the drive to our hotel.  San Francisco traffic fucking sucks.  We were checked at about a quarter to eight.  As soon as we arrived, Allison was on her cellphone getting together some party favors for the night, and I headed to the ATM to get eight hundred dollars.  What does eight hundred dollars cash buy you in San Francisco?  A really fucking good time.

We began hitting the minibar pretty heavily in the room while waiting for some dude to come by with more partying accessories.  After that transaction took place, it was off to a trendy San Francisco club/restauraunt where I had scheduled a dinner reception with several business partners and clients.  In booking this event, I was advised that restaurants with signs on busy streets in San Francisco are filled with tourists and children, restaurants without signs on busy streets in San Francisco will get you sick, and restaurants without signs in industrial areas are filled with scenesters and Eurotrash.  Obviously, I opted for a restauraunt without a sign in an industrial district.  That shit was popping off with tons of hot bitches.

By the time I arrived at this dinner, it was about ten o’clock, and I was really wasted.  I really had no clue what was going on, but everything was cool because everyone there was about as wasted as me.  I actually conducted a lot of business, talked over certain projects, and met some really cool people.  At about twelve o’clock, most of us decided to head out to a strip club, and that’s when the real party started.

I don’t think I am allowed to give out the name of the strip club we went to because some crazy shit went down with some of the dancers that I’m pretty sure is illegal (keep reading).  It was shady as hell, and my feet kept sticking to the ground on the hallway on my way in.  I used some of that cash from the ATM and put it together with some money from the rest of the crew, and we bought our way into the backroom of the club.  It had some cheesy name like ‘The Champagne Room’ or some shit like that but I was really wasted and don’t remember.  Apparently once you get into that room and pay a couple strippers to come with you, you can do whatever you want.  I saw one stripper shooting up in her toe, and we played a game with another called ‘The Cocaine Bikini.’  As I’m sure you can imagine, this game involves covering the strippers most intimate of areas with cocaine, but the fun is removing the bikini.  Everyone wins.  Once the double ended dildo came out, I was a little weirded out with flashbacks from Requeim For a Dream, but I continued drinking heavily, which helped ease my tension.

Once the strip club started getting boring, we decided to head to a club to do some dancing.  Allison had some spot lined up, and I was pretty excited to see that it didn’t have a sign and was in an industrial area.  We bought a VIP balcony in the club which, by LA standards, was pretty fucking cheap considering the many benefits it offered us.   I think I started sobering up a little bit in the cab on the way to the club, so obviously I started working to continue the buzz once I entered the club.  Music was good, and there were tons of hot bitches with only a few creepy dudes.

We left the club at about six o’clock, but I was still ready to roll, so I hit up two of my homies who happen to be big time San Francisco DJs to see if anything else was still going off.  They were playing an afterhours party in the Bay View district, so naturally we jumped in a cab and headed straight over there.  To my surprise, there were about two hundred people in a loft, many of which were very hot bitches, and this place was going off.  I danced my ass off, got even more wasted than I was earlier in the night, and had an amazing time.  San Francisco fucking goes off.

We hung around that place until about 10am, and made it back to our hotel around 10:45am.  Checkout was at twelve, and I was worn the fuck out.  I took a half an hour nap, but had to head out to a meeting at a datacenter which I have been working with a lot lately to discuss partnering on some hosting and streaming services.  Lucky for me, many of the people at this meeting were out with me the night before, so they felt my pain.

Allison had to head back to Los Angeles for a party tonight, and I had to head to my next destination, so we went our separate ways this afternoon.  Now I am left with a huge fucking headache, and I think there is a good possibility I am going to die.  What a fucking night last night.

So you’ve had a girlfriend for a while now and you want to do her up the butt? Sounds like a good idea to me. The only thing that can bring a loving couple closer than anal sex is a threeway involving a large black man. Problem is, most dudes are complete pussies when it comes to anal sex, and, while they constantly think about plowing their significant others in the poop shoot, they rarely ever act on these thoughts. When they do manage to act, they always act in the wrong way and usually end up settling for the pussy, which, while moist and warm, ain’t no asshole.

If you want to fuck your girlfriend in the ass but don’t know how, Fat Dick has your back with an elaborate tutorial on this exact subject. What if you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, fucking a random bitch up the ass is about as easy as finding a transsexual who will have sex with you on Santa Monica Blvd on the late night tip. I’m actually fucking some random bitch up the ass right now as I write this. I have my laptop posted up on her back and she can’t get enough. Fucking your girlfriend up the ass is a complete other ballgame. Mind you, this is the bitch that tries to get you to take her ‘out on the town’ every other night. This is the bitch who constantly hates on you for wearing your favorite Hawaiian shirt. She isn’t about to try to gain your approval by letting you fuck her up the ass.

Disclaimer: Fat Dick Simon does not endorse having a significant other now, or at any time during your life, but if you have one already and want to fuck her up the ass, this tutorial is for you.

Ok, so I took care of the introduction, I took care of the disclaimer, and now I am about to drop some heavy duty knowledge on you. I am about to hold your hand and lead you through, step by step, on how to fuck your girlfriend up the ass. You’re welcome.

Step One: Realize that all ladies secretly love anal sex

That’s right. I don’t care what anyone says. All ladies love anal. Whether or not you believe me, you are going to have to make yourself believe that your girlfriend wants anal sex whether or not she comes out and explicitly says it. The problem with bitches is that they never say what they are actually thinking. You need to convince yourself that your girlfriend is secretly craving anal sex more than you could ever imagine, and by giving her anal sex you are doing her the biggest favor ever.

This scenario is like those crazy Christian people who do everything they can to convert you. When you pass on the street you’re like ‘Back the fuck off I did like a hundred unholy things last night,’ but in their heads they think that you secretly want to be ’saved’ and they will do anything to save you. Well, your girlfriend is begging to be ’saved.’ What’s the only thing that can save her? Your penis in her ass.

This scenario is also similar to that famous question that hippies always ask: ‘How can other people love you when you don’t love yourself?’ Aside from being complete bull shit, this question is highly applicable to the situation at hand. Unless you truly believe that all ladies love anal sex, you will never be able to convince your girlfriend to do it.

Step Two: Diagnose the situation

I wasn’t fucking around with step one. You need to be serious about this, but once you have decided that you are going to stop being a pussy and do your girlfriend in the butt, you need to test the waters. You need throw out some comment about anal sex to see how she reacts. This step is best completed in private so you can avoid the confusion about whether or not her response was partially due to her nervousness about what her friends would think. Say something like ‘Hey, I heard [insert mutual friend’s name] had anal sex.’ If you go with this comment, it is best to use a friend that you know much better than your girlfriend. One of your better friends whom your girlfriend has only met once or twice is preferable. That way, there is little to no possibility that your girlfriend will ever approach this person about their anal sex session. Also, this doesn’t actually have to be true. Great anal sex has its foundation in many lies.

Typically, after throwing out a comment like the one above, you will get one of four responses:

Response 1: ‘Ew! Exit not entrance!’

This is the most annoying and cliche response. Ideally, you should dump your girlfriend on the spot based purely on the fact that she threw out this line, but if you work at it, you will eventually be able to do her up the butt. Her crass response is meant to intimidate you and discourage you from further attempts to do her up the butt. You know better, though. This slut wants it.

Response 2: ‘Oh. Have you ever thought about doing that?’

This response is a very good sign. It means your girlfriend has already considered the possibility of anal sex. Her question is cleverly formulated, and she wants to see your reaction. You should play it cool and say something like ‘Oh, I guess so. I mean, rappers always talk about it in their songs.’ If you say that, you are on the right track. Your response is funny, non-threatening, AND it leaves an element of mystique. She’ll be thinking ‘Wow, I wonder if he really has thought about it or if he is just joking,’ and her

Response 3: ‘Oh my God! I was with a guy a while ago who insisted on that and it hurt!’

This is by far the worst response you can get. Your girlfriend is going to be a tough nut to crack, but, yes, she does still want anal sex, and she is craving for a guy who can give it to her the right way. You, my friend, are that guy.

Response 4: ‘I love anal!’

If you need any coaching on how to handle this response, you are a fuckface and I hope we never meet in person.

If you did not receive response 4, you are going to need to follow the next steps:

Step Three: Bring it up again

You need to get your girlfriend kind of curious about anal sex. If you repeatedly bring it up with offhand remarks, you will start the wheels turning in her head. Every once in a while, just throw out some comment about anal. Eventually she will be bringing it up, too, and once she starts bringing it up, you are almost good to go.

Step Four: Bring it up seriously

I like to also call this step ‘really testing the waters.’ When you and your girlfriend are getting hot and heavy (probably after you ditch all of your homies to take her out to dinner, you big pussy), you say ‘Let’s do anal.’ This approach is best done when she is somewhat drunk. You’re either going to get the green light or a gigantic red light, but don’t worry, you can handle either one. If she gives you a look that says ‘Fuck no!’ just play it off like you were joking. Start chuckling and be like ‘Oh, you think I’m serious? Come on, let’s have some vaginal intercourse!’ But while you are fucking her in the vagina, you need to be planning your next move. What’s your next move? Keep reading, fuckface.

Step Five: Come up with a humorous wager involving anal sex

No joke, this is how I got my first taste of the butthole. By the time you are on step 5, you and your girlfriend will be regularly bringing up anal action. You fuckers will probably have some inside jokes going on that no one else laughs at. But the bottom line is, you two are comfortable about talking about anal pleasures and she is becoming curious as hell as to exactly what it would feel like to have her ass plowed. She wants it, but you knew that, right (see step 1 above)?

So get into some playful argument over something that you know you are right about. Then do the whole ‘I’ll bet you’ move, but this time, instead of wagering a back rub, tell your girlfriend to put her money where her mouth is by putting her asshole on the line. This serves as more playful ass banter, and you would be surprised at the response you get back from your scheme to win your girlfriend’s asshole. She’ll give you a look back like ‘Ohh after all of this talk about anal pleasures I wouldn’t mind losing this bet anyway.’ You are on the right track, brother.

Step Six: Win the bet, but stop short of the butt

This is where the plan takes some discipline, but you have to trust me on this one. After you win your bet, you have to make sure that her butt is ready to go (ie. she is bent over and ready to receive your penis). Then you have to start in like you are about to put it in, but then stop short to continue the escapade that you have been joking about anal sex all along. This choice move further increases her curiosity, and don’t worry, you are going to capitalize on that curiosity later! Plus, butt sex requires some preparation.

Step Seven: Try out drunken anal sex

You have gone through the necessary preparation work. Your girlfriend wants it in her ass more than ever, and you are going to give it to her… right after you get her drunk. Go out to a party or a bar with all of your friends who hate your girlfriend (they all do regardless of what they say), get her drunk as hell, take her back to your place and start in on some hot vaginal sex. Vaginal sex? Yes, get started in the vagina.

Check to make sure she is still very drunk while you are pounding her vagina. If she isn’t then you fucked up. Go get some shots of tequila and force them down her throat. If she is drunk then prepare yourself for some anal action. Bitches get horny as hell when they are drunk, and nothing satisfies a bitch’s horny cravings like a big dick in her ass. Mumble something incoherent about anal and then try to put it in. You’ll probably fuck up because anal sex requires a lot of effort (see below), but what you are going for is an introduction to your girlfriend’s asshole. Don’t worry, you aren’t supposed to have a full anal sex run, you are going to do that in due time. The fact that your girlfriend is drunk basically gives you a free pass to do anything you want to her asshole. She won’t remember in the morning, and, if she does, just say something like ‘Oh shit, really? I don’t even remember that!’

Step Eight: Trip to the sex store

I hope you have enjoyed your two brief tastes of anal action because you are about to have the whole butt, brother. First, you need to go to a sex store and pick up a buttplug and plenty of lube. Seriously, you cannot skip this step. Do it.

Step Nine: Preheat the oven

This step marks the beginning of an actual anal sex session, and should occur roughly a week after the ‘fake’ anal sex session that occurred while your girlfriend was drunk in order to allow her curiosity to mount even more.

During the day leading up to this event you should say something in order to hint that you want to try anal sex for real. If your girlfriend’s response has changed (for the better) since the first time you mentioned anal sex (step two, dickfor), then she is all systems go.

Take out the buttplug and lube it up. Chicks love buttplugs, and they serve as an excellent way to ‘preheat the oven.’ Yes, fuckface, you have to warm up her asshole before you put your dick in it. If she refuses the buttplug, don’t freak out. You are still good to go, you may just have to use some lubed fingers to preheat. Most importantly, the buttplug serves as a humorous and non-threatening transition into the world of anal sex.

Step Ten: Commit to your penis entering her ass

The hardest part of anal sex isn’t convincing the bitch to do it… it’s getting your penis in the bitch’s asshole. Have you ever looked at a chick’s asshole upclose? It’s really fucking small! Your penis is big. A logical thinker would conclude that it would be impossible to put a penis in an asshole. A logical thinker would be wrong.

If you need further proof of this point, just watch Lex Steele shove his twelve inch black penis in a small Asian chick’s asshole.  That shit fits, trust me.

Cover your penis with lube. This is very very important. Also, put plenty of lube on, and in, your girlfriend’s asshole. Then, tell your girlfriend to relax. Then tell her to relax again.

This is where many dudes puss out and come up short. You have to commit that your penis is going up your girlfriend’s butt before the night is done. You are going to press it against your girlfriend’s ass and it is going to seem like it is not going to fit. Wait, strike that, you are not going to be able to find your girlfriend’s asshole, then you are going to find it and it is going to seem like your penis is not going to fit. Trust me, it will.

So decide that your penis is going to go in, and then make it happen. Once the first inch or so makes it in, the rest will slide in easily. The trick is that you really have to shove that first inch in. If you are a pussy and you don’t force it in, your girlfriend will never forgive you, and you will never get to experience that sweet ass of hers.

Step Eleven: Enjoy It

Once you’re in, you’re in, and your penis isn’t coming out of your girlfriend’s butt until you jizz inside. You shouldn’t be wearing a condom, which makes finishing inside that much more exciting. If your penis comes out while you are going at it, don’t worry about it! Your girlfriend’s asshole will have gotten used to having your penis inside of it, and that shit will slide right back in.

Experiment with different positions! I am a big fan of face-to-face, but a lot of purists stick to doggystyle. For my money, there’s nothing better than hearing the moans of passion and watching the expression on some chick’s face as you violate her most personal of areas.

After you do your girlfriend up the butt once, you can pretty much do her up the butt whenever you want. If she ever refuses, remember that can always threaten to break up with her if she does not give up her asshole again.

What’s great about doing your girlfriend in the butt, aside from the amazing pleasures that you will both experience, is that, after you break up, when you see her in social situations, you can give her the look like ‘Yeah, that’s right, I fucked you in the ass and you can never take that away from me.’

So there it is. How to do your girlfriend in the butt in eleven steps. The most important part of this whole process is committing yourself to it. If you don’t whole-heartedly believe that you can do your girlfriend up the butt, then you won’t. It’s as simple as that.

Feel free to post any questions and/or concerns as comments if you run into problems while trying to do your girlfriend up the butt.