I went on yet another expedition in chemically engineering the perfect Saturday night last night, and learned a lot the hard way. This voyage into the unknown was spawned by my curiousity for my new best friend and an amazing alcohol-infused energy drink, Sparks, when I rolled through a liquor store to cop some 40s.

I always see douchebags at parties downing these Sparks drinks so I jumped to the conclusion that Sparks sucks balls, but I found out that I was way off! Sparks is probably the best way to legally get fucked up. Running low on crack? Cop yourself a few Sparks drinks from your corner store and you’re good to go. Also, Sparks just came out with a new 7.0% alcohol variation of their beverage called Sparks Plus. I cannot stress how amazing this substance is. The combination of alcohol (downer) with a caffeine, ginseng and taurine (uppers) will make your heart about as confused as you were when you woke up next to that fat chick last weekend. And it doesn’t taste like shit, also.

So I copped a couple cans of sparks and a couple 40s (Mickey’s) for the night. I began drinking heavily around 10pm, and, for your convenience, a timeline of the events that followed is below.

10:00PM - First Can Of Sparks Consumed

Did I mention that Sparks is amazing? When I was done with my first can of this liquid goodness I was like ‘Hey I don’t remember doing crack but I think I’m high.’

10:22PM - Watch Mean Girls

I would probably have sex with about 85-90% of the people in this movie, and I would have beat off while watching this if no one else had been in the room.

10:23PM - Begin Mickey’s 40 #1

I had a feeling I was about to get fucked up, but the only thing that goes well with Mean Girls that is not masturbating is a 40 of Mickey’s. Believe that.

11:10PM - Walk One Door Down To A Party

It was a birthday party. Kind of quiet but there was plenty of booze and some hot chicks. I got down on the dancefloor and the bitches were loving it. A couple dudes I didn’t know rolled up to me and asked about the blog and/or my porn sites, which further documents the fact that I am a really big deal. I was getting freaknasty with some hot bitches.

11:22PM - Second Can Of Sparks Consumed

At this point of the night I was starting to get drunk and I was starting to feel high even though I had not done any drugs. That, my friend, is why Sparks is fucking amazing.

11:31PM - Receive a Phone Call

I dropped my phone upon trying to answer it, but I noticed that it was a potential hook up for later in the night so you better believe that I called the number back. This lucky lady said she wanted to come by so I let her know my location. All of the pieces were coming together.

11:43PM - Crack Open Mickey’s 40 #2

Alternating Sparks/Mickey’s was a really fucking good idea; in fact, it might have been the best idea I have ever had besides starting this blog. I was about to get really fucked up.

11:45PM - Female Arrives At Party

The chick who called arrived at this point. She proposed returning to my place to hit the rails, and I figured I had already mixed uppers and downers so why not add another substance to the mix.

11:52PM - Return to My Place

We walked back to my place and started hitting the rails then had one of those really sweet drug-induced make-out sessions. My head was all over the place at this point of the night and I think I developed a heart murmur.

12:33PM - Decide to Go Back Out to Another Party

If deciding to mix Mickey’s and Sparks was the best idea I have ever had, deciding to go out at this time was definitely my worst. This decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was in the zone and ready to go at my place, but, as you are about to read, things took a turn for the worse upon leaving.

12:45PM - Realize I Should Have Stayed At My Place

Surprise Surprise the other party I decided to roll to sucked balls. I realized that I made a huge mistake, but I did not yet realize the extent to which this mistake would come back to bite me in the ass.

01:22AM - Hit the Rails Again

Once I was completely over the other party I once again rolled back to my place to hit some more rails and try to regroup with the lucky lady mentioned above. At this point of the night I was like ‘Hey, Fat Dick. It’s all good. We can still salvage this one.’ Things actually weren’t looking that bad.

01:48AM - Roll to the Lucky Lady’s Place

On my way to her place, I was feeling pretty good about what lay ahead. It seemed like we were all systems go for a night of passion.

02:27AM - Penis Begins Being Difficult

At this time, I received the first hint of my penis’ confusion. I am no doctor, but I am guessing that the problem was mainly due to my heart, which, after some beer, two Sparks alcoholic energy drinks, two Mickey’s 40oz malt liquor drinks, some blow, and various other substances I will not elaborate on, was pretty fucking confused. I think I was pretty close to having a heart attack, but I was more concerned about the fact that I was about to get down with a lucky lady yet my penis was completely limp.

02:39AM - It Becomes Clear That My Penis Thinks It Is Too Cool For Sex

I was concentrating really hard but my penis decided that it was way too cool to receive any type of satisfaction. What a fuckface. I couldn’t have been more upset. Not only was my penis limp, but it was probably as limp as it has ever been. I think that my penis decided to retreat to partially inside of my body out of spite.

02:42AM - I Realize That My Penis Officially Sucks

At this time I realized that my penis was not going to get hard anytime soon. Also, I got the comment ‘Hey Fat Dick Simon, you aren’t really living up to your name tonight.’ Thanks.

09:14AM - Go to Sleep

The only thing worse than not being able to make your penis hard is not being able to make your penis hard followed by laying in bed naked with someone for several hours because you are too high to go to sleep. The best part is that you get to think about exactly what you would be doing had you been able to make your penis hard. It is great.

So the moral of the story here is that it’s all fun and games until you experience performance issues with your penis. Also mixing uppers and downers, while fun, should not be done when you are trying to get play.

Perhaps I will follow up with a report on the second attempt to close the deal, if there is one.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 30th, 2006 at 12:43 pm and is filed under Crazy Party Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.