Don’t even try sell me on some retarted logic involving how MTV should still be playing music videos. I don’t care what you say. MTV is back and better than ever with a new lineup of shows that are nothing short of genius. I’ll admit, I was losing faith in the media giant, but when they hit me with The Shop, I was like ‘Eh, well maybe they’re coming around.’ When they hit me with Yo Mamma I was like ‘Shit I know exactly exactly where I am going to be Monday through Friday at 6:00PM eastern standard time!’ But when the execs at MTV hit me with 8th and Ocean I was like ‘Fuck! Hold the phone! Fuck the job! I am going to get drunk and beat off to this shit every Tuesday at 10:30PM pacific standard time.’ I did just that.

Now that I hit up these MTV masterpieces regularly my life is roughly one hundred to one hundred fifty times better. Oh yeah, also just about everything in the MTV prime time lineup lends itself to masturbation. I can never decide if I like watching Matisyahu’s video in heavy rotation more or less than playing a game of ‘who would you rather fuck’ while watching 8th and Ocean. That’s a fucking tough decision.

In case you have been living under a rock lately, let me bring you up to speed as far as what’s crackalacking on MTV. Write this shit down. Strike that. Bookmark this permalink, fuckface, because you KNOW that you don’t want to miss future episodes of what I am about to describe.

The Shop

The Shop is built around what is probably the most revolutionary idea in modern television. ‘Hey, people talk about shit in barber shops. Let’s put a camera in one of those fuckers and count our money.’ The results are amazing. The crew on The Shop is so hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing when the subject of modelling came up so they decided to have a runway walk-off right there in the barber shop! That’s so funny! I couldn’t believe they would do something so crazy.

It’s so cool how big time hip-hop acts come through the shop also! Fabolous was up in that piece just a few weeks ago! It’s so cool hearing big time rappers talk about their projects while wearing bling and getting their fade did.

I’ll tell you though, I would never pay for the kind of bullshit haircut this barber shop gives out. I have never been able to notice the difference between the customers’ hair before and after the haircut. They always look exactly the same. I would probably avoid that by not going in to get my hair cut when I am clearly not in the need of a haircut, or pulling out my strap if a barber tried to give me a bullshit fake haircut. I’m talking to you, Pop, because, according to your cast member profile, you ‘keep it real.’

Yo Mamma

I don’t know what I have a harder time understanding: How the fuck Wilmer Valderrama fucked Lindsay Lohan when he talks like that dude that checked me out at AM/PM this afternoon, or how the fuck this show got on the air. I have never laughed at anything, besides Wilmer Valderrama’s accent, while watching this show; in fact, I am usually disgusted by the time this thirty minute piece of shit has its way with me. But I keep coming back, and that is what makes MTV amazing.

Any contestant on Yo Mamma could easily get an arsenal of jokes from any of the many yo mamma joke books available just about anywhere. I saw one this afternoon while Wilmer Valderrama’s dad was checking me out at AM/PM. I could study one of those books for like five minutes while doing lines with the production assistant in the green room before the taping and I would be able to kill once the battle started. I may even flip the script and just do thirty seconds of Wilmer Valderrama accent jokes. Fat Dick don’t give a fuck.

8th and Ocean

I used to beat off to Laguna Beach pretty regularly, but now it’s all about 8th and Ocean for me. I would probably sacrifice my first born son for a chance to fuck that Irene chick up the ass. She probably has one of the hottest faces I have ever seen. Some dumb chick was trying to tell me that Irene has had plastic surgery but she was obviously full of shit. Beauty like that only comes from God himself.

So pretty much everyone on 8th and Ocean is really hot, and I have personally had lengthy masturbatory sessions to each and every cast member.

I really hope that MTV comes out with new episodes of all of the shows I just mentioned. They are really cool.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 24th, 2006 at 10:03 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.