I went on yet another expedition in chemically engineering the perfect Saturday night last night, and learned a lot the hard way. This voyage into the unknown was spawned by my curiousity for my new best friend and an amazing alcohol-infused energy drink, Sparks, when I rolled through a liquor store to cop some 40s.

I always see douchebags at parties downing these Sparks drinks so I jumped to the conclusion that Sparks sucks balls, but I found out that I was way off! Sparks is probably the best way to legally get fucked up. Running low on crack? Cop yourself a few Sparks drinks from your corner store and you’re good to go. Also, Sparks just came out with a new 7.0% alcohol variation of their beverage called Sparks Plus. I cannot stress how amazing this substance is. The combination of alcohol (downer) with a caffeine, ginseng and taurine (uppers) will make your heart about as confused as you were when you woke up next to that fat chick last weekend. And it doesn’t taste like shit, also.

So I copped a couple cans of sparks and a couple 40s (Mickey’s) for the night. I began drinking heavily around 10pm, and, for your convenience, a timeline of the events that followed is below.

10:00PM - First Can Of Sparks Consumed

Did I mention that Sparks is amazing? When I was done with my first can of this liquid goodness I was like ‘Hey I don’t remember doing crack but I think I’m high.’

10:22PM - Watch Mean Girls

I would probably have sex with about 85-90% of the people in this movie, and I would have beat off while watching this if no one else had been in the room.

10:23PM - Begin Mickey’s 40 #1

I had a feeling I was about to get fucked up, but the only thing that goes well with Mean Girls that is not masturbating is a 40 of Mickey’s. Believe that.

11:10PM - Walk One Door Down To A Party

It was a birthday party. Kind of quiet but there was plenty of booze and some hot chicks. I got down on the dancefloor and the bitches were loving it. A couple dudes I didn’t know rolled up to me and asked about the blog and/or my porn sites, which further documents the fact that I am a really big deal. I was getting freaknasty with some hot bitches.

11:22PM - Second Can Of Sparks Consumed

At this point of the night I was starting to get drunk and I was starting to feel high even though I had not done any drugs. That, my friend, is why Sparks is fucking amazing.

11:31PM - Receive a Phone Call

I dropped my phone upon trying to answer it, but I noticed that it was a potential hook up for later in the night so you better believe that I called the number back. This lucky lady said she wanted to come by so I let her know my location. All of the pieces were coming together.

11:43PM - Crack Open Mickey’s 40 #2

Alternating Sparks/Mickey’s was a really fucking good idea; in fact, it might have been the best idea I have ever had besides starting this blog. I was about to get really fucked up.

11:45PM - Female Arrives At Party

The chick who called arrived at this point. She proposed returning to my place to hit the rails, and I figured I had already mixed uppers and downers so why not add another substance to the mix.

11:52PM - Return to My Place

We walked back to my place and started hitting the rails then had one of those really sweet drug-induced make-out sessions. My head was all over the place at this point of the night and I think I developed a heart murmur.

12:33PM - Decide to Go Back Out to Another Party

If deciding to mix Mickey’s and Sparks was the best idea I have ever had, deciding to go out at this time was definitely my worst. This decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was in the zone and ready to go at my place, but, as you are about to read, things took a turn for the worse upon leaving.

12:45PM - Realize I Should Have Stayed At My Place

Surprise Surprise the other party I decided to roll to sucked balls. I realized that I made a huge mistake, but I did not yet realize the extent to which this mistake would come back to bite me in the ass.

01:22AM - Hit the Rails Again

Once I was completely over the other party I once again rolled back to my place to hit some more rails and try to regroup with the lucky lady mentioned above. At this point of the night I was like ‘Hey, Fat Dick. It’s all good. We can still salvage this one.’ Things actually weren’t looking that bad.

01:48AM - Roll to the Lucky Lady’s Place

On my way to her place, I was feeling pretty good about what lay ahead. It seemed like we were all systems go for a night of passion.

02:27AM - Penis Begins Being Difficult

At this time, I received the first hint of my penis’ confusion. I am no doctor, but I am guessing that the problem was mainly due to my heart, which, after some beer, two Sparks alcoholic energy drinks, two Mickey’s 40oz malt liquor drinks, some blow, and various other substances I will not elaborate on, was pretty fucking confused. I think I was pretty close to having a heart attack, but I was more concerned about the fact that I was about to get down with a lucky lady yet my penis was completely limp.

02:39AM - It Becomes Clear That My Penis Thinks It Is Too Cool For Sex

I was concentrating really hard but my penis decided that it was way too cool to receive any type of satisfaction. What a fuckface. I couldn’t have been more upset. Not only was my penis limp, but it was probably as limp as it has ever been. I think that my penis decided to retreat to partially inside of my body out of spite.

02:42AM - I Realize That My Penis Officially Sucks

At this time I realized that my penis was not going to get hard anytime soon. Also, I got the comment ‘Hey Fat Dick Simon, you aren’t really living up to your name tonight.’ Thanks.

09:14AM - Go to Sleep

The only thing worse than not being able to make your penis hard is not being able to make your penis hard followed by laying in bed naked with someone for several hours because you are too high to go to sleep. The best part is that you get to think about exactly what you would be doing had you been able to make your penis hard. It is great.

So the moral of the story here is that it’s all fun and games until you experience performance issues with your penis. Also mixing uppers and downers, while fun, should not be done when you are trying to get play.

Perhaps I will follow up with a report on the second attempt to close the deal, if there is one.

Don’t even try sell me on some retarted logic involving how MTV should still be playing music videos. I don’t care what you say. MTV is back and better than ever with a new lineup of shows that are nothing short of genius. I’ll admit, I was losing faith in the media giant, but when they hit me with The Shop, I was like ‘Eh, well maybe they’re coming around.’ When they hit me with Yo Mamma I was like ‘Shit I know exactly exactly where I am going to be Monday through Friday at 6:00PM eastern standard time!’ But when the execs at MTV hit me with 8th and Ocean I was like ‘Fuck! Hold the phone! Fuck the job! I am going to get drunk and beat off to this shit every Tuesday at 10:30PM pacific standard time.’ I did just that.

Now that I hit up these MTV masterpieces regularly my life is roughly one hundred to one hundred fifty times better. Oh yeah, also just about everything in the MTV prime time lineup lends itself to masturbation. I can never decide if I like watching Matisyahu’s video in heavy rotation more or less than playing a game of ‘who would you rather fuck’ while watching 8th and Ocean. That’s a fucking tough decision.

In case you have been living under a rock lately, let me bring you up to speed as far as what’s crackalacking on MTV. Write this shit down. Strike that. Bookmark this permalink, fuckface, because you KNOW that you don’t want to miss future episodes of what I am about to describe.

The Shop

The Shop is built around what is probably the most revolutionary idea in modern television. ‘Hey, people talk about shit in barber shops. Let’s put a camera in one of those fuckers and count our money.’ The results are amazing. The crew on The Shop is so hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing when the subject of modelling came up so they decided to have a runway walk-off right there in the barber shop! That’s so funny! I couldn’t believe they would do something so crazy.

It’s so cool how big time hip-hop acts come through the shop also! Fabolous was up in that piece just a few weeks ago! It’s so cool hearing big time rappers talk about their projects while wearing bling and getting their fade did.

I’ll tell you though, I would never pay for the kind of bullshit haircut this barber shop gives out. I have never been able to notice the difference between the customers’ hair before and after the haircut. They always look exactly the same. I would probably avoid that by not going in to get my hair cut when I am clearly not in the need of a haircut, or pulling out my strap if a barber tried to give me a bullshit fake haircut. I’m talking to you, Pop, because, according to your cast member profile, you ‘keep it real.’

Yo Mamma

I don’t know what I have a harder time understanding: How the fuck Wilmer Valderrama fucked Lindsay Lohan when he talks like that dude that checked me out at AM/PM this afternoon, or how the fuck this show got on the air. I have never laughed at anything, besides Wilmer Valderrama’s accent, while watching this show; in fact, I am usually disgusted by the time this thirty minute piece of shit has its way with me. But I keep coming back, and that is what makes MTV amazing.

Any contestant on Yo Mamma could easily get an arsenal of jokes from any of the many yo mamma joke books available just about anywhere. I saw one this afternoon while Wilmer Valderrama’s dad was checking me out at AM/PM. I could study one of those books for like five minutes while doing lines with the production assistant in the green room before the taping and I would be able to kill once the battle started. I may even flip the script and just do thirty seconds of Wilmer Valderrama accent jokes. Fat Dick don’t give a fuck.

8th and Ocean

I used to beat off to Laguna Beach pretty regularly, but now it’s all about 8th and Ocean for me. I would probably sacrifice my first born son for a chance to fuck that Irene chick up the ass. She probably has one of the hottest faces I have ever seen. Some dumb chick was trying to tell me that Irene has had plastic surgery but she was obviously full of shit. Beauty like that only comes from God himself.

So pretty much everyone on 8th and Ocean is really hot, and I have personally had lengthy masturbatory sessions to each and every cast member.

I really hope that MTV comes out with new episodes of all of the shows I just mentioned. They are really cool.

I don’t know where you live, but if you’re like me, you have found the closest university and posted up outside of all of the sorority houses trying to get some hot young pussy. I remember back in my younger days when I thought it would be really cool to fuck a bunch of sorority sluts. Ahh, those were the days…

But I have matured since then, and while I still enjoy hanging out at sorority houses and/or peeping in their windows late at night to see some hot college lesbian action, I have learned that fucking sorority chicks isn’t as cool as it seems.

The problem is as follows: Yes, sorority chicks will probably double, wait make that triple, up on you after a date party. We all know that. Yes, sorority chicks are going to think you are really fucking cool when you whip out your massive bag of yeyo. Yes, sorority chicks always have immense appetites for cock. However, the fact of the matter is that the majority of sorority chicks are way high maintenance and probably have a douchebag frat guy queued up to fuck as soon as you leave the house. Even if you are down with having other dudes hit it too, you know that fucker is going to try to step to you with his boys the next time he sees you in a party. That shit is annoying as hell.

So my love/hate relationship with sorority chicks results in yet another tough predicament for my penis. How do I experience the sweet, moist pussy that exists in a sorority house without dealing with douchebag frat guys and annoying sorority sisters? Furthermore, how do I get to enjoy hot sorority bitches without spending any money on gifts, drinks and drugs?

I had been struggling with those questions for about a year and a half. I was a torn man. Living every day thinking about the sweet, supple pussy that lay just inside the doors of the sorority houses I saw, yet understanding the many downsides that came with fucking that pussy. One day, I stumbled upon a website that put an end to the massive amount of depression and confusion that had overtaken me. That day, my friend, I found LS Sorority.

But Fat Dick, you may ask, how is it possible to capture the essence of sweet, sexy sorority chicks on a website? Well, fuckface, I am happy you asked!

LS Sorority is an amazingly accurate reality site. Beating off to the content of LS Sorority is exactly like walking around naked in a sorority house and beating off at will only better. When you beat off to LS Sorority (as long as you are not in public view), you risk absoutely no type of citation from the police.

Here are some of the true-to-life activities that go on in actual sorority houses, accurately captured for your pleasure on LS Sorority:

Couch Make Out Sessions

The only thing hotter than three hot chicks in pink panties on the couch at a sorority is three hot chicks in pink panties on the couch at a sorority having a passionate makeout session. This happens just about every time I step inside of a sorority house, and is accurately captured in this gallery on LS Sorority. Ahhh, the passion, the innocence.

Sex Toy Experimentation

Everyone knows that sorority chicks love trying out new, exotic sex toys. Every time I am in a sorority house I always feel starved for attention because these bitches cannot put down their fucking sex toys! In this gallery, three sorority sisters get a brand new Sybian in the mail and decide to take it for a spin in the living room. That’s hot.

School Girl Clothing and Strap-Ons

The unofficial dress code for a sorority house is one of those really slutty school girl skirts. Everyone knows that. In a sorority house, you ain’t cool unless you wear one. Fuck, I put one on when I step in the door. It just feels right. Oh yeah, usually sorority chicks also wear strap-ons and fuck each other on the couch. It’s pretty much common place.

Naked Twister

How else do you think these hot bitches pass the time, silly? Of course they play naked twister regularly! Fuck studying, and fuck any type of game that can be played in clothing. Sorority chicks are always down for another round of naked twister. Obviously these games always result in a long cuddling and make out session. Par for the course.

Group Bathing

There is actually a clause in every sorority chapter’s charter that mandates group bathing. I’m not going to bullshit you and claim that these chicks love bathing together or something like that. Fact is, that while sorority chicks are cool with naked twister and strap-on action while in school girl outfits, they are pretty conservative when it comes to bathing. Don’t let the looks of these chicks fool you; they are only doing it because they have to. Oh yeah, here’s some more group bathing because they do it a lot.

Naked Backyard Frolicking

The only thing that sorority chicks like better than getting naked inside is getting naked outside. How else did you think they were able to maintain those perfect tans? Of course, getting naked outside means plenty of body contact between two hot sorority chicks with cute, shaved twats.

Long Lesbian Love Fests on Every Desk

Um, I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking, but those desks in sorority houses aren’t for studying. They are for long, passionate, lesbian love making. If you are still confused, check out this gallery for plenty of closeup carpet munching and passionate kissing.

Naked Initiations Involving Blindfolds

Sorority chicks love getting naked and then playing games involving blindfolds. We aren’t talking about pin the tail on the donkey here. More like put my fingers in your vagina, or let’s do some really cute lesbian shit. Usually sorority chicks play these games off as ‘initiations,’ but once there is no one left to initiate they just say fuck it and take volunteers for who gets the blindfold.

So the bottom line is that there are always massive amounts of crazy lesbian activities going on in sorority houses. If you are tired of dealing with all of the bullshit that surrounds sorority chicks, but you still want to beat off to these activities, then you are like me. If you are like me then you have a membership to LS Sorority. What’s that? You don’t have a membership to LS Sorority? Get off your ass and get one right now!

My boy Will-Dogg from back in the day came through the crib last night and you better believe we got into some crazy shit involving a hot slut. Oh yeah, that hot slut was the chick who had her period on my bed. It was all good, though. It’s been a week since that episode, so big Willie was sure that he could hit that shit without getting into some crime-scene sex action.

Early in the night there wasn’t anything going on, so we hollered at some bitches and, naturally, some shady ass Mexican dudes. When the bitches showed up, Willie Style and I had our pick. Somehow, the aforementioned bleeder made it to the bed where we got into some nasty action directly over her period stain. Boo Ya.

Will-Dogg and I hit up some crazy positions. It all started when this chick started giving us both some bomb ass skull. Then she continued giving me dome while Will-Dogg warmed up her sweet gash with his large penis. She was wet as hell at this point, but I am not sure if it is because she read my blog earlier in the day or if it was because of how sexy Will-Dogg and I looked. Either option is fine by me. Then I was like ‘Ok, guys. We have fucked around long enough. Now it’s time to get down to business.’ At that time I put my penis in this chick’s butt. Will-Dogg was all up in the pussy and we worked that shit for days.

What kind of moves are we talking about? I’m so happy that you asked! I will explain with the help of one of my favorite sites, Two Dicks in One Chick. This site is mostly about hot lesbian action. J/K, silly! Of course, Two Dicks in One Chick features the best tag-teaming and double penetration action around. Dudes on this site straight up violate the bitches they get with and I couldn’t be a bigger fan.

There are a couple situations during which two men can rub penises together without being gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. These situations obviously take place during threeways with chicks and include, but are not limited to, rubbing penises together while simultaneously getting domed up, rubbing penises through the thin membrane that separates the vagina from the ass, pulling out and accidently hitting your friend’s dick with yours, and giving your friend a blowjob in the bathroom after the bitch leaves. Two Dicks in One Chick hits you with all of these scenarios and more. There are tons of closeup shots of bitches getting double penetrated by two gigantic cocks.

The chicks on Two Dicks in One Chick reach a level of cumloving whore previously thought to only be possible in a laboratory environment. These bitches make that drunk slutty cousin at your uncle’s wedding look tame as fuck. Oh yeah, and they love getting jizzed on; in fact, they bathe in jizz and after they come back from a long run in the afternoon, they cool off with an ice cold glass of jizz. Their appetite for simultaneous multi-hole fucking is amazing. A perfect example is Mandy Bright. This chick loves cum. She’s so horny she can’t even wait to blow the next guy so she just shoves two dicks in her mouth at once. Then she realized that she was smelling a little gamy so she was like ‘Hey, guys, how about you clean me up with a blast of jizz.’ Last night Willie and I pulled a sweet move where we jizzed all over this chick and threw her purse on the puddle while she cleaned off in the bathroom. She had to pry that shit off in the morning.

Check out Vanessa Lane. This bitch is so horny she just shoves one guy’s dick up her ass, lays back, and gives the next guy a look like ‘You see this pussy? It is currently bored and empty. You need to take care of that.’ When I saw her gallery, I recognized that look as the same look that big Willie got last night before we got down with some double penetration action. Another move that this bitch does is what I like to call the ‘inverted horny slut.’ Flexibility is required. This move is best shown by example, but basically involves a blowjob while upside-down done while getting fucked. Amazing. You better believe we got down with that shit last night.

Another one of my favorites over at Two Dicks in One Chick is Jamie Elle. As a rule of thumb, when a chick has a pretty hot bod but a broke-ass face, she probably fucks like a champ. Such is the case with Jamie. She doesn’t even fuck with getting completely naked. While she gets plowed by two guys she doesn’t even take off what looks like a training bra. She has a nice smooth, shaven twat that gets torn up regularly by the biggest cocks she can find. Plenty of close-up double penetration shots here. Her pierced tongue leads me to believe that she also gives some amazing head.

One move Willie and I pulled last night was what I like to call ‘pick up and impale.’ As the name suggests, you and your buddy pick the chick up and double penetrate her. Yes, your balls are going to rub. Yes, your penis will probably touch him when it falls out. Yes, this move is available on Two Dicks in One Chick thanks to the efforts of Holly Wellin. This slut isn’t happy unless she is being fucked hard by two guys. The amount of raw, hard fucking that all of this bitch’s holes receive is amazing, but I get the feeling that a chick like her still isn’t satisfied with two dicks. Perhaps she needs more.

The only thing that would have made my threeway better is if a black guy were involved. Black dudes really take groupsex action to the next level. Lucky for me, I can fill that empty space in my soul by throwing a beat to some of Anna Nova’s pictures and movies on Two Dicks in One Chick. This slut loves the dark meat, and when she is done bringing the races together inside of her body, she loves to finish off by getting showered with beautiful interracial cum. One of my favorite parts about this gallery is that the black guy fucks her up the ass first, thus leaving the white dude with a messy, gaping barbeque pit to fuck. What a class act.

Wow, I am so worn out from last night’s activities that I am going to go beat off to Two Dicks in One Chick and then take a nap. I suggest you do the same. Holler.

Aside from being the nickname for my last stripclub episode in Mexico, Bubble Butt Bonanza is also a website featuring a lot of chicks with hot bods. Oh yeah, and they have big round bubble butts. Oh yeah, and they usually get fucked by big black dudes. A winning combination? Of course, fuckface.

I stumbled upon this site a while ago and I have been masturbating to its content ever since. I’m sure you’re wondering what sets this bubble butt site apart from the rest. I’ll tell you. The bubble butts on in the bonanza (well most, at least) don’t contain massive amounts of cellulite.

Here’s my problem: I am a big time ass man. I’m over the tits. I like big, round, juicy asses. I always see slim hot bitches walking down the street in tight pants that show off an amazing ass and I get psyched about hitting up a site that promises the best asses around, but when I enter the members area, all I see is fat chicks. Yes, fat chicks have big asses, but that should be expected. Everything about a fat chick is supersized. I am not looking for fat asses though. I am looking for nice, round, firm asses. Somehow, some porn producers decided that fat was synonymous with nice and big. The amount of fat bitches on Bubble Butt Bonanza is minimal. Just who are these slim bitches with amazing asses? I’m glad you asked!

Well first there is Kim. This bitch is fucking hot. She has a nice slim body, perky tits, and a big, round ass. She also looks like she give really good dome and rides a dick like it is her job. Seeing her ass spread out while she is sitting on a thick cock is one of the most beautiful sites my eyes have witnessed.

The only thing better than a chick with a nice big ass is a chick with a nice big ass who loves getting fucked in the butt. That’s where Veronica comes in. This horny slut loves to rip off her wet panties, give some great head, warm up with a little pussy action, and then shove it in her ass and ride it. Amazing.

With a name like Flower, you have to be involved in the porn industry to some extent. Surprise, surprise. This slut has a shitload of galleries on Bubble Butt Bonanza. I’m not sure which she likes more… showing off her nice big ass, or getting pounded by black dudes. Either way, I’m sure you will enjoy seeing her bouncy ass shake as she gets plowed by a huge dick.

Sandra is pretty much my ideal woman. She is a horny slut, she gives good dome, she has a nice round ass, and she wears ripped fishnet stockings. If she were black we would be a perfect match. Regardless, I pretty much beat off to her video and picture sets every day. This bitch knows exactly what to do with a dick.

You can tell by the looks of this picture that Naomi likes it a little rough. This porn gallery is great because it features a really creepy guy with really bad facial hair oiling up an ass that he definitely does not deserve, and then fucking the shit out of it. If I ever see that fucker on the street I will slap him across the face. If I ever see Naomi on the street, I will cock slap her across the ass. Boo Ya.

So if you are into nice, big asses like me, but you are not about to beat off to fat chicks, do what all the cool kids are doing now and cop yourself a membership at Bubble Butt Bonanza. Everyone knows that beating off to fat chicks is the beginning of the end.

I was pretty wasted last night, but even in my wildest dreams I never thought that I would be wasted enough to miss something as amazing as the event which I am about to describe.

After completely tearing it up on the dance floor at a hot party, you better believe that Fat Dick left with some bitches. Nothing strange there. Naturally, we all made our way to the bedroom to continue drinking. One chick, who will remain nameless sat at the foot of my bed, and according to a roomie, produced a dark stain upon changing positions. Apparently she noticed what she had done because, also according to a roomie, she shifted the comforter in order to conceal what had happened.

I did not notice this at all, but her plan to conceal the stain was short-sighted. Yes, shifting the comforter will temporarily conceal a period stain, but my usual inspection of the bed this morning yielded this large questionable stain.

Obviously the only method I could think of to verify the source of the stain was a taste test. Just kidding. I smelled the stain extensively and have come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, period blood. Excellent.

Last night I got wasted and decided to do an experiment. I have been masturbating to point of view (P.O.V.) porn a lot lately, and I wanted to determine whether or not masturbating to point of view porn was at all comparable to fucking a hot ass bitch. In case you have been living under a rock, point of view porn is exactly what it sounds like: porn filmed from the angle of the person receiving the sexual favors.

The results of this scientific experiment will astonish you. Not only did I determine that point of view porn is amazing, but I also determined that point of view porn is, in fact, better than having sex. Don’t believe me? Read on for a detailed account of the night’s events.

08:00PM - Substances Consumed

I started the night by consuming copious amounts of booze and drugs. At this point of the night I had no clear game plan, but I had a feeling that I was about to contribute heavily to science.

08:20PM - Pass Out

I passed out in the bathroom at this time.

08:22PM - Come up with an Idea and Call a Hooker

Waking up from my brief departure with consciousness was like a rebirth for me. I came up with what is probably my best idea since going for a run at 8am after an all-night binge. I decided I would call a hooker, fuck her, and then masturbate to point of view porn in order to determine which was better. What a fucking good idea. When deciding the race of the hooker I was about to call, I settled on Puerto Rican. Everyone knows Puerto Rican bitches are hot and they give amazing skull. I wanted to fuck a black chick, but I was feening for some bomb ass dome and a white bitch wasn’t about to cut it with the kind of night I was having.

09:07PM - Hooker Arrives

By the time the hooker arrived, I was fucked the fuck up. Too fucked up to make sexual history? Hells no. Let’s get down to business.

I flipped on “Freaks of the Industry” and got naked. After doing some lines off my penis, this slut was ready to fuck. I put it right in the butt, and when I got the ‘fisheye,’ I was just like ‘I got some extra cash coming your way, baby.’ She ate that shit up. Plus, this slut was one of those bitches who pretend they hate it up the ass when you know they secretely love it. I was hitting all the fly positions. My head under her leg under my arm under her toe. I didn’t hold back on this slut. She got worked.

When I was ready to finish, I got some bomb ass skull and jizzed in her eyes. She loved that shit. I was like ‘Peace, bitch.’ She wanted more but I told her to get the fuck out before I call the cops.

10:49PM - Time for a Comparison

After I had settled down from the wild anal session I had just experienced, I decided it was time to compare it with my favorite point of view porn website, POV Fantasy. What videos did I hit? I’m-a tell you, and give you some links from the secret stash.

First I hollered at some movie clips of a take-charge bitch named Karina Kay. This slut is fucking hot and she knows exactly what to do with a dick. Look at that dome she offers up! What a champ. She made that hooker I fucked look lazy as hell.

The sweet thing about POV Fantasy is that they have so many huge movies of hot bitches online that when you are done with one bitch you just move on to the next. That’s exactly what I did in this case. I moved on to watch (myself) fuck some bitch poolside. Damn, this slut had quite an ass and once it was olied up, I was ready to go.

After I was over those movies, I moved on to some of the crystal clear, high resolution image galleries on POV Fantasy. I went straight for a photo set with a hot blonde slut giving me a blowjob and then sitting on my dick. Fucking amazing. I love checking out shots of this bitch’s asshole while my penis is all the way inside of her. Just like the real thing.

I found a nasty slut who loves it in the ass almost as much as the hooker I just fucked. I figured I was up for another round of anal action, so I had this slut go to town on me. She wanted it in her ass so much that she was fingering it while I was fucking her in the pussy doggystyle. What a crazy slut. But around Fat Dick’s place, crazy sluts are always welcome.

More anal action? Sure, why not? This next slut was so horny that she was trying to give me some bomb ass skull through my jeans. I was like ‘woah, settle down bitch,’ and I put it in her butt. She was loving that shit. Wow, what a hottie. With the extreme close-up shots on POV Fantasy, it was like I was actually in this bitch’s ass.

I decided to end the night with some super-hot shaved Asian cooze. Why? Why not. You better believe I put it in this bitch’s butt right after I was done with the puss, but let me tell you… both were just as warm and tight as I expected them to be. Check out this picture gallery if you don’t believe me.

So what did I learn from all of this fucking and masturbating? The bottom line is that point of view porn is DEFINITELY better than sex, no matter how great the sex is. Here’s why:

I masturbated to like fifteen bitches on POV Fantasy. All were incredibly hot. That kind of action would have cost me several thousand dollars to hook up in real life. Ok Fat Dick, you might be saying, but what about the feeling of actually fucking a real bitch in the ass? I’m not really tripping. Yes, fucking bitches in the ass is cool and feels great, but I am pretty good at masturbating as well, and the view is exactly the same on POV Fantasy as it is when you actually fuck a bitch up the ass. In reality, the view is probably better on POV Fantasy because it is a much better angle and much more close up.

POV Fantasy requires no call the next day. It requires no cuddling afterwards. It requires that you buy no drinks at the bar before. It does not want you to spit game at it to get it to spread its legs. POV Fantasy knows it is a dirty little slut who loves to fuck, and POV Fantasy is there for you twenty-four hours each day to make you happy. You find me a bitch who is down like that.

Settled. No need to have sex any more. Just hit up POV Fantasy and you’ll be set.

We changed the time an hour forward. It’s getting hotter. That bitch you know keeps asking to go to the beach with you. Yes, my friend, it is that time once again.

Barbeque pit season.

Don’t want to break out the charcoal? Don’t worry. The barbeque pits I am referring to don’t require any. Of course, by ‘barbeque pit’ I am referring to the gaping hole created in a chick’s ass after a wild round of anal action.

The hidden agenda with this post is to climb the Google ranks for the term ‘barbeque pit’ which explains why I keep saying barbeque pit.

But seriously, though. What is better and more arousing than checking out some bitch’s barbeque pit after watching her get pounded by some dude with a big dick? I can’t think of much. At first you feel sorry for her, but then you’re like ’shit, that’s fucking amazing.’ Yes, barbeque pits are amazing.

Where does Fat Dick go when he is feening for some barbeque pit action? You better believe he goes to a place called Butt Divers. I’m-a hit you with some of my secret stash of barbeque pit action from the site.

Check out Summer Raine on Butt Divers. I can tell this bitch absoutely loves getting plowed in the ass. How do I know? Well, besides having a sixth sense for those kinds of things, the look on her face as she has a string of large anal beads pulled out of her ass is a dead giveaway.

Barbara Summers southern region is a big, lubed-up mess after she gets pounded in her ass, but I love it. There is something great about passing up a nice, tight pussy for an even tighter ass that makes me want to shake the guy’s hand who bangs the bejesus out of this bitch.

Ahh, and then there is Brandy Lyons. The massive circumference of this bitch’s barbeque pit makes me want to approach her about running drugs for my boy Pablo down in Columbia. Seriously. She takes like three dudes up the ass and smiles as they cum in a glass for her to drink up. What a champ.

The depth of Kelly Wells‘ asshole cannot be measured. Many have tried, but no one has succeeded. The mysterious darkness of her ass after being violated by a large penis looks more than inviting, but watch out. It has been known to swallow men.

Then there is Janet Alfano. Her barbeque pit looks very inviting. It’s like a cute barbeque pit. Quite feminine. She takes quite a pounding, but her resilient ass is like ‘Hey, I have my dignity.’

Missy Monroe develops quite a messy barbeque pit after getting pounded by a couple dudes. She looks like the type of slut Fat Dick seeks out on a regular basis. You can tell by the look on her face as she sucks on a large penis while enjoying another larger penis in her ass that this bitch knows how to get down. Watch her fuck in videos for further evidence of this point.

I hope this porn prepares you for the excellent barbeque pit season on the horizon. At Fat Dick’s place it is always barbeque pit season, but for some people, it is more of a seasonal thing. If you are still feeling a little flustered and unready, don’t worry about it! Just make sure to check out Butt Divers to study up and work on your barbeque pit technique.