How are you going to remake Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a classic movie that cannot be improved upon, and pass up a chance at remaking Scarface, a classic movie that sucks balls? Don’t get me wrong, Scarface is an essential movie that you must see in order to say things like ‘Oh shit you just hit a Scarface-sized line!’ or ‘Fuck if Tony Montana tried to hit this rail he would have a heart attack like a fucking bitch!’ or ‘Last Saturday night my desk looked like Tony Montana’s!’ I can go on for days. Problem is, if you have ever tried to watch Scarface all the way through, you, like everyone else, have realized that the movie sucks.

With a few slight modifications, Scarface could actually be a relatively good movie. For your convenience, I have outlined these modifications below:

1. Soundtrack by Andre Nickatina

Actually, only one song by this guy would be used, but it would be played over and over throughout the movie. Obviously, this one song is “Ayo for Yeyo.” Should be self-explanatory. Apparently, when Scarface was made in 1983, twelve year old kids were being employed by movie studios to make soundtracks using Casio keyboards bought at Radio Shack for twenty-five dollars. Also, no song faster than 15bpm was allowed to be used in a drug movie. “Ayo for Yeyo” is an upbeat party jam that I could listen to all day.

2. More Black People

Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I don’t really know too many Cuban dudes who run shit in the coke game. In fact, the closest I have ever come to buying blow off a Cuban guy was when I was when I did some coke with a Mexican guy I know. My nose hurt for like three weeks and I was seriously about to seek some medical attention. Oh yeah, and I felt like I was going to die for like a week and a half. A lot of people say they feel like they are going to die when they have hangovers, but I actually really believed that I was going to die. Like I was figuring out who to give my money to after I was gone and deciding who I should say goodbye to first. Everytime I watch Cops on TV, there are like a hundred black guys getting busted for selling blow. Also, a lot of rappers claim that they got rich by ‘flipping grams.’ Thus, I feel like the movie would be much more accurate if it featured only black people.

3. An All-Star Cast

Al Pacino is a good actor, but I want Jamie Foxx as Tony Montana. Why? No, I don’t think he is a good actor. Instead, I think he sucks and I want to see something bad happen to him in a movie. Does it get any worse than the final scene of Scarface? The heroin thing in Ray was kind of bad I guess, but ultimately he came out on top and didn’t end up face-down in an indoor pool halfway filled with his own blood. I was considering 50 Cent for the role of Tony Montana, but then I remembered that he is an even worse actor than Jamie Foxx as evidenced by his piece of shit called Get Rick or Die Tryin’. Plus, I think that Jamie Foxx can pull more chicks into theaters. It’s all about money here, people. I also want the entire Cash Money Millionaire squad in the movie. Fuck it, if there are not enough roles for them I want the stragglers as extras. Also, Samuel L. Jackson. We’ll have to create a special new role for him, but I want him to shoot Tony Montana’s friend (played by B.G. from the Cash Money Millionaires) at the beginning of the movie and make a bad-ass remark afterwards. Tony Montana’s friend was always a little bitch.

4. A Streamlined Plot

Did you know that the original Scarface was two hours and fifty minutes long? We can do it in under twenty minutes. There are really only two necessary scenes. First, the scene where Tony Montana’s partner in crime gets cut up by a chainsaw in the bathtub while Tony watches. That shit was savage. Second, the final three minutes of the last scene. Including only those two scenes will leave us with roughly eight minutes to divide between Baby and Lil’ Wayne from the Cash Money Millionaires tag-teaming bitches and Samuel L. Jackson doing gigantic rails in a strip club of some Brazilian hooker’s tits. You’ll get the bottom line of the story, trust me. Currently, every scene in Scarface runs twenty to thirty times longer than it should. Also, all of that shit with Tony Montana’s sister getting boned by his best friend is just plain boring. That shit goes on for like forty-five minutes, too. Whose sister doesn’t get boned by their best friend? Cry me a river, Tony.

5. No Licensed Posters Allowed

When ONE rapper on an episode of MTV Cribs has something you do, it makes you kind of cool. When EVERY rapper on Cribs has the same shitty poster of Al Pacino in Scarface that you do, it makes you a frat guy who got domed up by some drunk bitch last night because you told her about your raised truck. Scarface posters are played the fuck out, especially the nicely framed ones. They should all be collected and burned. This would restore some street cred to the movie. Oh yeah, ‘X to the Z’ XZIBIT can keep his, though.

I would like to be given credit for this movie when it is released because it is going to be fucking awesome.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 13th, 2006 at 11:00 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.